The unequivocal magic of the movie For Love or Money never ceases to enchant me. I cant help but fall in love each time I see it. Since I first saw it, I wanted to be the person who made things happen. I wanted to make people's dreams come true as I worked to live mine. And as it would turn out, I would inevitably fall in love somewhere along the way and have to make the choice of staying on course and chase my dreams or give it all up for the potential love of my life.
I would of course choose love because I am ever searching for my fairy tale. As a result, everything would fall into place nicely and neatly because I was willing to give up something I wanted more than anything to commit myself to someone else. And that is how fairy tales are made.
I want to make things happen, I want to make dreams come true, I want to fall in love. I want to write my own fairy tale.
For Love or Money keeps me hoping that all this is possible. And it all starts with figuring out what you want and chasing it until something happens.
23 November 2008
20 November 2008
Masochism
I can never just be friends with you. As much as I like to think I could, I realize that would never happen. I guess I hit my head harder than I thought.
19 November 2008
I Can't Take the Distance Anymore
Something suddenly clicks on and you think to yourself what have I been running from? As I state time and time again, my life is in constant motion. I am constantly and consistently moving. When I'm not on the go, I start to freak out. I think that's more that I don't want to allow myself time to stop and wonder what I'm doing. I don't want that reflection time, I don't want that reality check.
Why? Reality checks help to better understand yourself, the world around and how you relate to it. I like to feel a disconnect. For the past year or so now, since I was in Detroit, I try to keep myself at distance. I don't want to connect. I don't want to commit.
Committing, connecting means standing still for enough time to really feel attachment. This has been one of my biggest fears for a while. Letting yourself just fall is admitting you don't have control, lets the possibility of hurt in. Last time I really let myself fall, I hurt the worst I have ever hurt in my existence. Truth be told that was while I was working in Detroit. I put my heart and soul into all I did and left a little broken. I left with a goal, but a little broken none the less.
Since then I have been struggling to really let my self fall in love with my work and my relationships as I did there. I love what I do, but as I said I keep my self slightly distanced. I couldn't commit myself to a steady job because it meant eliminating possibility of other work. I couldn't admit that I wanted a guy (or a particular guy) as something more than friends because that would mean standing still long enough to admit I needed someone else in my world. I have a horrid Independence streak that I need to break.
No longer am I able to take that distance, I want to break free from this resistance I have created. I am ready again to let myself truly fall.
Why? Reality checks help to better understand yourself, the world around and how you relate to it. I like to feel a disconnect. For the past year or so now, since I was in Detroit, I try to keep myself at distance. I don't want to connect. I don't want to commit.
Committing, connecting means standing still for enough time to really feel attachment. This has been one of my biggest fears for a while. Letting yourself just fall is admitting you don't have control, lets the possibility of hurt in. Last time I really let myself fall, I hurt the worst I have ever hurt in my existence. Truth be told that was while I was working in Detroit. I put my heart and soul into all I did and left a little broken. I left with a goal, but a little broken none the less.
Since then I have been struggling to really let my self fall in love with my work and my relationships as I did there. I love what I do, but as I said I keep my self slightly distanced. I couldn't commit myself to a steady job because it meant eliminating possibility of other work. I couldn't admit that I wanted a guy (or a particular guy) as something more than friends because that would mean standing still long enough to admit I needed someone else in my world. I have a horrid Independence streak that I need to break.
No longer am I able to take that distance, I want to break free from this resistance I have created. I am ready again to let myself truly fall.
30 October 2008
The Over the Fence Kind
The Magic of baseball, I think, is that no matter what, its always any one's game. You never quite know what will happen; one hit, one play, one run can change everything. There is a certain quality in knowing and experiencing this. Baseball in this way renews our sense of magic in life.
Its the magic in our life. When you think about it our lives often come down to one hit, one play, one error. Nothing is determined until we play. All action is catalytic and sets life in motion. One little twist can set us off in a different direction entirely.
We don't know what our actions might mean until they have changed which way we are headed. Should we let this affect our stance or cause a slight hesitation to our swing? Why would we, the only way we can ever know is to put the ball in play and see what happens. After all, what's worse: swinging and missing or striking out looking?
I used to think it was the safe bet to just let strikes go by. The fact of the matter is if you don't take a chance, you don't swing, you will never make contact. If you don't make contact, don't take a chance to make contact, you will never get anywhere. For all you know it could be that one moment you make contact, headed for the right field wall, that out of the park, home run moment. But you won't know until you take a chance and swing.
Always go down swinging, and know that if you strike out there is always one more at bat, one more game, one more season for you to take a chance on.
Its the magic in our life. When you think about it our lives often come down to one hit, one play, one error. Nothing is determined until we play. All action is catalytic and sets life in motion. One little twist can set us off in a different direction entirely.
We don't know what our actions might mean until they have changed which way we are headed. Should we let this affect our stance or cause a slight hesitation to our swing? Why would we, the only way we can ever know is to put the ball in play and see what happens. After all, what's worse: swinging and missing or striking out looking?
I used to think it was the safe bet to just let strikes go by. The fact of the matter is if you don't take a chance, you don't swing, you will never make contact. If you don't make contact, don't take a chance to make contact, you will never get anywhere. For all you know it could be that one moment you make contact, headed for the right field wall, that out of the park, home run moment. But you won't know until you take a chance and swing.
Always go down swinging, and know that if you strike out there is always one more at bat, one more game, one more season for you to take a chance on.
22 October 2008
Where Do We Draw the Line?
When I first moved to Detroit, I was told never to give to homeless or beggars on the street. It was always better to give to organizations and causes, otherwise your good money would just be used on drugs or alcohol. If you really wanted to help someone you would give to the people who could help those in need. A little backwards when you really think about it.
Now over a year since I left Detroit and I still have this thought that lingers in the back of my head. In reality how do we know who really needs help and who is cracked out on a street corner late at night trying to stave off a high. You don't, in fact you never do. You never know that the money you give to organizations really gets to the people who need it, and you never know that the people you give money to aren't just blowing it away.
This whole cycle of helping people turns into a trust circle. I have tried to take the approach of buying people a lunch or a coffee, but even that doesn't always go well. Of course when it doesn't, that's when you know you should have just kept walking.
Its always late at night when I am stopped, and that is always when I keep walking. Its not so much that I don't want to help then, but I'd be more likely to help if asked during the day. I never hesitate to help when I can in the middle of the day. At night, though, is the worst time to question me. Its bad enough that I will walk from my friend's place to the subway at 2am so that I don't have to crash on their couch. My brother's will lecture me when they find out. I hate throwing this card out there, but for a female walking alone at night the stakes are always a little higher. There is always that question in your mind of whether someone is trying to follow you, or whether the many seemingly menacing people outside of bars are going to stop or try and accost you. I absolutely hate thinking like this, and yet I have to keep this thought in the back of my head to keep me from doing something stupid.
Often times, and always at night, I end up just walking by strangers. I can't help it. Its not that I don't want to help, because that's honestly a constant struggle for me. The question, is just when and how to help, and who really needs it? It seems like its not enough to just be kind hearted anymore when there always appears to be someone looking to take advantage of those willing to help.
Now over a year since I left Detroit and I still have this thought that lingers in the back of my head. In reality how do we know who really needs help and who is cracked out on a street corner late at night trying to stave off a high. You don't, in fact you never do. You never know that the money you give to organizations really gets to the people who need it, and you never know that the people you give money to aren't just blowing it away.
This whole cycle of helping people turns into a trust circle. I have tried to take the approach of buying people a lunch or a coffee, but even that doesn't always go well. Of course when it doesn't, that's when you know you should have just kept walking.
Its always late at night when I am stopped, and that is always when I keep walking. Its not so much that I don't want to help then, but I'd be more likely to help if asked during the day. I never hesitate to help when I can in the middle of the day. At night, though, is the worst time to question me. Its bad enough that I will walk from my friend's place to the subway at 2am so that I don't have to crash on their couch. My brother's will lecture me when they find out. I hate throwing this card out there, but for a female walking alone at night the stakes are always a little higher. There is always that question in your mind of whether someone is trying to follow you, or whether the many seemingly menacing people outside of bars are going to stop or try and accost you. I absolutely hate thinking like this, and yet I have to keep this thought in the back of my head to keep me from doing something stupid.
Often times, and always at night, I end up just walking by strangers. I can't help it. Its not that I don't want to help, because that's honestly a constant struggle for me. The question, is just when and how to help, and who really needs it? It seems like its not enough to just be kind hearted anymore when there always appears to be someone looking to take advantage of those willing to help.
20 October 2008
Random Encounters
I leave M & Em's apartment following the end of the Sox game. They had been down 0-7 i think it was, and made an impressive come back. So, of course I end up heading home quite a bit later than I anticipated and I had work the next day. Dammit.
The walk to the L was nothing short of usual. It was a nice night, the temperature was cool and it was an easy walk. I get to the subway, tired, and according to the time board, the train should be arriving now. SWEET!
No train. The board switches to 15min for the next Brooklyn bound L Train. I sit down and journal about how I love my Sox (sad but true). 15 minutes later the platform has become quite crowded and still no train. The board yet again adds 15 minutes to the arrival of the stupid L train.
Of course, the one night where I accidentally stay late, am legitimately tired, and just want to go home is the night the train is ridiculously late.
In any case, the train finally comes and we all pile on to it like sardines in a tin can. I swear the train is as crowded as the morning commute, I mean the L is a popular train as it is the only real way in or out of Williamsburgh and Greenpoint and Bushwick.
The train of course putters along the tracks all the way through the tunnel. At one point it stops or starts suddenly and the guy standing next to me bumps into me. He apologizes like any upstanding gentleman would. I say not to worry about it. All in all though it spurns a conversation about how if it weren't for this epic journey along the L line, specifically tonight, we would never have been able to see the exotic yellow tubing that runs through the tunnel through East River. Once the jungle safari part of the conversation ended we continued chatting.
He was tall (in retrospect everyone is tall to me), curly light redish blond hair, light eyes. A writer, actor, producer. I made the comment of how appropriate we meet on the L train heading back into Willamsburgh as I am in film myself and all of us shady characters tend to commune in this particular area of Brooklyn. Well maybe not all of us, but it seems to be one of the trends.
We then discussed the wild hipster in his native environment of Williamsburgh. It is not uncommon to spot the hipster on any given night communing off the Bedford or Lorimer L stops. Two most common places to see them before and after they venture into the city or other areas of Brooklyn. They blend in quite well with the rest of society, when they have to. It seems quite common that they choose jobs where they don't have to camouflage their persons though.
The hipster, as we discussed on the train, appears to be a bit of a hybrid between the Hippie and the Gangster. They are all about pushing boundaries, antiwar, often anarchy, very earthy creatures that dabble in holistic methodology and often foster a lack in agenda. At the same time in their demeanor they like to give off an apathetic and sometimes threatening or imposing demeanor. They have an attitude that says, "go ahead, try and mess with me."
All in all this interesting encounter was abruptly halted with my departure at my stop on the L. We may never know what is to become of this random encounter, but it was an interesting journey into the wild, more like a safari, of Williasburgh
This city is full of random encounters, serendipitous meetings. You don't really know how or why or when these encounters will impact your life, but most assuredly they do. One thing is for certain, you will never know until you take a chance and jump.
The walk to the L was nothing short of usual. It was a nice night, the temperature was cool and it was an easy walk. I get to the subway, tired, and according to the time board, the train should be arriving now. SWEET!
No train. The board switches to 15min for the next Brooklyn bound L Train. I sit down and journal about how I love my Sox (sad but true). 15 minutes later the platform has become quite crowded and still no train. The board yet again adds 15 minutes to the arrival of the stupid L train.
Of course, the one night where I accidentally stay late, am legitimately tired, and just want to go home is the night the train is ridiculously late.
In any case, the train finally comes and we all pile on to it like sardines in a tin can. I swear the train is as crowded as the morning commute, I mean the L is a popular train as it is the only real way in or out of Williamsburgh and Greenpoint and Bushwick.
The train of course putters along the tracks all the way through the tunnel. At one point it stops or starts suddenly and the guy standing next to me bumps into me. He apologizes like any upstanding gentleman would. I say not to worry about it. All in all though it spurns a conversation about how if it weren't for this epic journey along the L line, specifically tonight, we would never have been able to see the exotic yellow tubing that runs through the tunnel through East River. Once the jungle safari part of the conversation ended we continued chatting.
He was tall (in retrospect everyone is tall to me), curly light redish blond hair, light eyes. A writer, actor, producer. I made the comment of how appropriate we meet on the L train heading back into Willamsburgh as I am in film myself and all of us shady characters tend to commune in this particular area of Brooklyn. Well maybe not all of us, but it seems to be one of the trends.
We then discussed the wild hipster in his native environment of Williamsburgh. It is not uncommon to spot the hipster on any given night communing off the Bedford or Lorimer L stops. Two most common places to see them before and after they venture into the city or other areas of Brooklyn. They blend in quite well with the rest of society, when they have to. It seems quite common that they choose jobs where they don't have to camouflage their persons though.
The hipster, as we discussed on the train, appears to be a bit of a hybrid between the Hippie and the Gangster. They are all about pushing boundaries, antiwar, often anarchy, very earthy creatures that dabble in holistic methodology and often foster a lack in agenda. At the same time in their demeanor they like to give off an apathetic and sometimes threatening or imposing demeanor. They have an attitude that says, "go ahead, try and mess with me."
All in all this interesting encounter was abruptly halted with my departure at my stop on the L. We may never know what is to become of this random encounter, but it was an interesting journey into the wild, more like a safari, of Williasburgh
This city is full of random encounters, serendipitous meetings. You don't really know how or why or when these encounters will impact your life, but most assuredly they do. One thing is for certain, you will never know until you take a chance and jump.
12 October 2008
A Dab of Wisdom in My World of Chaos
At the age of 24, I am convinced I can make no wise decision. Decisions, yes I can make those. In fact I make those everyday. They are not based on wisdom, but rather on impulse, desire passion, fear, joy, anger and pain. Emotional, instinctual decisions and the experiences resulting from these decisions will one day enable me to make wise ones.
For right now, at 24 I am incapable of making a wise decision. I am facing the fact everyday that I know nothing and yet am trying to learn everything all at once. At times I fail immensely and at times I surprise myself. It's all a learning process, sometimes you have to just jump in and see whether or not you're going to sink or swim.
When you're in your early 20's, though, you're not concerned with wisdom. You're still at that age where someone can tell you something, it goes in one ear and out the other if its not what you want to hear. You have to discover things as you go because, ultimately, you're not going to learn it tile you try it for yourself. I often find myself in situations I never thought I would ever be in, and its sometimes these moments that help me rediscover myself. I find that I am bolder than I ever knew myself to be. In my world, I have to be. I have to see what this world has to offer and what I am made of; the only way to do that is to take risks, to experience the world around you and to push limits. When things don't quite work out, okay move on and make it work next time.
Life seems to repeatedly, like production actually, be about making plans and then compensating when these plans don't work out. At 24, the decisions I make in these moments are not wise but, as I mentioned, instinctual. It seems to be a defense mechanism in a way. A natural reaction that helps you get out of the moment for the time being. Again, it isn't always the best plan, but it works temporarily and in the end teaches you something.
What it seems to come down to, is when you're as stubborned as I am, life is the best teacher the world could afford you. More people should really take advantage of this free education, especially when its so readily available.
For right now, at 24 I am incapable of making a wise decision. I am facing the fact everyday that I know nothing and yet am trying to learn everything all at once. At times I fail immensely and at times I surprise myself. It's all a learning process, sometimes you have to just jump in and see whether or not you're going to sink or swim.
When you're in your early 20's, though, you're not concerned with wisdom. You're still at that age where someone can tell you something, it goes in one ear and out the other if its not what you want to hear. You have to discover things as you go because, ultimately, you're not going to learn it tile you try it for yourself. I often find myself in situations I never thought I would ever be in, and its sometimes these moments that help me rediscover myself. I find that I am bolder than I ever knew myself to be. In my world, I have to be. I have to see what this world has to offer and what I am made of; the only way to do that is to take risks, to experience the world around you and to push limits. When things don't quite work out, okay move on and make it work next time.
Life seems to repeatedly, like production actually, be about making plans and then compensating when these plans don't work out. At 24, the decisions I make in these moments are not wise but, as I mentioned, instinctual. It seems to be a defense mechanism in a way. A natural reaction that helps you get out of the moment for the time being. Again, it isn't always the best plan, but it works temporarily and in the end teaches you something.
What it seems to come down to, is when you're as stubborned as I am, life is the best teacher the world could afford you. More people should really take advantage of this free education, especially when its so readily available.
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