As August draws to a close many thoughts cross my mind. The most mind boggling one of all is that I was leaving Detroit exactly one month ago. I left with only a temporary plan to work on an independent horror film and see where to go next.
Now, August 31 rolls around and I have an apartment, other projects to work on, friends in the city, places to go, people to see, and a guy I am completely into that I wish would call back. I am probably being far to honest with regards to the guy, but to my knowledge he doesn't have my blog and thus can not read this.
How crazy are these turns of events? It blows my mind away to think of this past month, everything I have learned, everything I have been though, and everything I have done. It takes an extremely strong person to take NYC head on, on a whim none the less. I had never thought of my self as that strong of a person, yet here I am still standing here today in NYC.
Life is insane at times, all the time. Its funny and sadistic and amazing when you stop using your head and just follow your heart... mostly amazing. I don't think I have ever worked so hard in my life as I have these past 4 weeks, I don't think I have ever had a better experience.
My mentality since moving to NY is just go with the flow, or roll with the punches. I have taken every chance I have been given ad I have run with it. Some of them I have succeeded in, some of them I have failed in. I have not let any of them just drift away. If you want something enough and do everything in your power to get it, you will achieve it... I firmly believe it.
The only exception to that rule is when dealing with regards to others. You might want someone enough, to be with someone enough and do everything in your power to win that person over. In the end though, if they still don't want you back, you cant force them into wanting you. That is when you must simply surrender to fate and admit that it wasn't meant to be.
I will just keep my eyes, heart and options open to the wind, so that when life decides to throw me a curve ball or a lemon, I will be ready for it.
31 August 2007
25 August 2007
The Dog Days of Summer
Walking down the street on a hot muggy evening, people sitting outside playing cards on make shift tables, little girls doing double dutch at a birthday party, residents sitting on the front stoop of thier buildings. What a wonderful summer scene.
It was one of those evenings that just felt right, like everything in the world was perfect and in place as it should be.
15 August 2007
The Eyes Have It
I have been in NYC a week now and it baffles me the way no one makes eye contact here.
On the subway in the morning, people look down or read or zone out with their music. No one looks around, talks to anyone. No one even attempts to make eye contact.
On the streets, instead of looking where they are going, people look down. It is as if they are looking down to try and avoid that thought of making eye contact with some stranger on the street.
In conversation, we almost always look away as often as we can.
There exists the thought of the eyes being the window to the soul, thus making eye contact with others would be allowing them a glimpse of your soul. For many I am sure its a terrifying thing. I know I would not want everyone and their mother to have all access to the deepest realm of my being. That makes me vulnerable, that makes us vulnerable. And in a society where we are taught to not let ourselves be vulnerable, it makes every bit of sense to be afraid of eye contact.
What's so wrong with being vulnerable, though? Yes, it shows that we are not invincible, that we do not have all the answers, that we are not as powerful or as confident as we come across, that we do not always act in the ways we really want to act, that we regret, that we feel, that we are not made of stone. Is it wrong to let others see this in us?
For a long time I avoided eye contact because I didn't want the world to see how much I hurt on the inside. That was the loneliest time of my life. Once I got past that stage, once I decided to let people in, I started making eye contact again. I can't say I always want people to see the "softer" side of Maura, but I have learned it is far better to let others in than to close yourself off.
It seems to initially catch people off guard, when you talk directly to them looking them straight in the eyes as you talk small talk. Fluster them, cause them to lose their thoughts. In the long run though conversations and relationships move to a different level when you make eye contact, it brings that honesty and vulnerability to the table and gives you the opportunity to meet someone beyond the surface level.
In general, I think we as a culture need to let our guard down a little. How can you ever experience life when you've built up all these protective walls to keep possible hurt out?
On the subway in the morning, people look down or read or zone out with their music. No one looks around, talks to anyone. No one even attempts to make eye contact.
On the streets, instead of looking where they are going, people look down. It is as if they are looking down to try and avoid that thought of making eye contact with some stranger on the street.
In conversation, we almost always look away as often as we can.
There exists the thought of the eyes being the window to the soul, thus making eye contact with others would be allowing them a glimpse of your soul. For many I am sure its a terrifying thing. I know I would not want everyone and their mother to have all access to the deepest realm of my being. That makes me vulnerable, that makes us vulnerable. And in a society where we are taught to not let ourselves be vulnerable, it makes every bit of sense to be afraid of eye contact.
What's so wrong with being vulnerable, though? Yes, it shows that we are not invincible, that we do not have all the answers, that we are not as powerful or as confident as we come across, that we do not always act in the ways we really want to act, that we regret, that we feel, that we are not made of stone. Is it wrong to let others see this in us?
For a long time I avoided eye contact because I didn't want the world to see how much I hurt on the inside. That was the loneliest time of my life. Once I got past that stage, once I decided to let people in, I started making eye contact again. I can't say I always want people to see the "softer" side of Maura, but I have learned it is far better to let others in than to close yourself off.
It seems to initially catch people off guard, when you talk directly to them looking them straight in the eyes as you talk small talk. Fluster them, cause them to lose their thoughts. In the long run though conversations and relationships move to a different level when you make eye contact, it brings that honesty and vulnerability to the table and gives you the opportunity to meet someone beyond the surface level.
In general, I think we as a culture need to let our guard down a little. How can you ever experience life when you've built up all these protective walls to keep possible hurt out?
13 August 2007
Another Year Gone By...
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me! Moving to NYC has been the best Birthday present I have ever given myself. I keep thinking about that song from Oliver & Company (yes i referenced a Disney... sue me) "Keep your dreams alive, dreaming is still how the strong survive. Once upon a time in New York City." I am chasing a dream, right here and right now.
The month surrounding my birthday generally seems to be a time of transition for me, rather a turning point. The joys of having an August birthday I suppose. August 1st I left Detroit and by August 5th I was in NYC. Truth be told, I can feel that this is the greatest decision I have made in my life to this date. I am not foolish to think that everything is going to start happening just because I moved to New York. But, the many doors that have now been opened or at least cracked a little will eventually get me to where I need to be. Things are starting to happen, life is starting to unfold and I am making it happen.
I took a leap of faith and blindly listened to my heart. I have never been happier, and actually Chrissy told me a few days ago that the last time she saw me this happy was my senior year of high school when I made the lead in "Up the Down Staircase." That was a while ago. Can I just say its good to be back.
Who ever I was a year ago is now gone, I am more focused, driven and happy than I ever remember being before. I love the feeling, who I am and where I am headed.
This year will be a good year...
The month surrounding my birthday generally seems to be a time of transition for me, rather a turning point. The joys of having an August birthday I suppose. August 1st I left Detroit and by August 5th I was in NYC. Truth be told, I can feel that this is the greatest decision I have made in my life to this date. I am not foolish to think that everything is going to start happening just because I moved to New York. But, the many doors that have now been opened or at least cracked a little will eventually get me to where I need to be. Things are starting to happen, life is starting to unfold and I am making it happen.
I took a leap of faith and blindly listened to my heart. I have never been happier, and actually Chrissy told me a few days ago that the last time she saw me this happy was my senior year of high school when I made the lead in "Up the Down Staircase." That was a while ago. Can I just say its good to be back.
Who ever I was a year ago is now gone, I am more focused, driven and happy than I ever remember being before. I love the feeling, who I am and where I am headed.
This year will be a good year...
12 August 2007
Adventures of a Crazy Dreamer in NYC
Here are brief clips of the shoot so far... sorry no details of the film, just the fun stuff that I get to experience
Monday:
I played the quiet card, trying to get a feel of the shoot and what was going on. I did whatever I was asked, no questions, and just saw where everything was headed. I work best this way, not to mention that there is a certain intimidation factor (I am realizing) in this because it makes everyone think I know what I am doing. I am not quiet, nor do I like to take orders from others, but I realize that you have to do this sometimes. No one knows everything all the time, or ever. Its when we can admit that we know nothing about what we are doing, that we can learn the most. Its when we can give in to our innate desire to do what we want to do, that things start falling into place.
Tuesday I would be ready.
Tuesday:
I was able to do more today with out being asked and with out hesitation. I was chatty with my fellow crew as with the actors. It was incredibly, incredibly hot that day and so the usual collective smell we all have was increased ten fold. I am sure you want to hear about said collective funk, so I wont continue with it. One thing that stuck out to me today was the sound guy. When we were sitting outside taking a break at some point, he said that what he loved most about the industry is that he wires all the actors up and then can hear whats going on off set as well (because everyone forgets he has them wired). Basically he knows everything going on on set.
This came up again later when people weren't quite getting whats going on in a scene, and so he reiterated the directors words with his own twist. The AD then said "I love how he hears all the conversations no one else hears." It was funny to no one but me, I'm sure... but come on let me have my moment.
Wednesday:
Craziest morning ever. I got on the wrong train by accident, but I realized it and started to back track to transfer and get up to where I needed to be. On a normal day I would have been fine, but not today. When I tried to transfer, I couldn't because all lines were down due to flooding in the subways. When I realized this, it was 7am and there was no way I would make it to drop off point on time I called my AD and he told me not to worry, to just take the 7:53 train in with the Actors. So I trudge on down to Grand Central Station only a few blocks away.
Guess what, everything was shut down until further notice. Further notice being 9 or 9:30, I cant remember. Hind sight tells me I should have taken the line I was on as far up as I could, and then take a cab from there... but if I had I wouldn't have been able to spend time with the actors, get to know them a little or sit next to Cute Actor.
The rest of the day ran smoothly, and I find out that C.A. likes my favorite band. Sweet.
Thursday:
Friday:
I was in charge of transport runs today. Basically I got to pick up and drop off the actors from the train station. Sweet because I also was their point of contact for the day. As the person to see them off, I had the pleasure of bidding them farewell and have a great evening. Aren't I so nice?
Also on the agenda for today, I stood out in the rain bracing a step ladder for the guy who was a stand in for the "killer," and then again when I was helping the lights guy play with the lights outside. Needless to say, I looked like a drowned rat by the end, but it was fun. I always seem to find jobs that require me to stand outside in the rain. silly jobs.
Saturday:
Today was the last day at our first location. The morning was the perfect temperature, and we were on a roll. I played the part of the 2nd 2nd. Basically I got to wrangle actors and make sure they got through hair/ makeup and costumes to be camera ready. I actually enjoyed this job. I don't mind dealing with the talent, most of them are pretty cool people. Also included in the 2nd 2nd package is Extras. Now I much prefer Actors to Extras, but you take what you can with the job. It cant all be fun an games, now can it. I had to guard the outside door and yell "Camera Rolling," and "Cut," so that all the Extras knew when they could talk and when they had to shut up. Standing outside wasn't so bad though, I mean I love that I got to sunbathe and talk to miscellaneous crew/ actors when I camera wasn't rolling.
Reason 4,638 that the actors love me: I found a way to make coffee for them in a room we thought we wouldn't be able to. Okay so there's not really 4,638 reasons I know about, but they do love me. What can I say, I rock.
After this movie goes to theatres, my arm will be a star. Yes my arm stood in for the killer, I have to make sure that it doesn't get too much of a big head after this.
Hope you have enjoyed this tidbit of travel through the world of film production. I am sure the novelty of it will wear off at some point, but right now with it being fresh I really want to share in the excitement.
Monday:
I played the quiet card, trying to get a feel of the shoot and what was going on. I did whatever I was asked, no questions, and just saw where everything was headed. I work best this way, not to mention that there is a certain intimidation factor (I am realizing) in this because it makes everyone think I know what I am doing. I am not quiet, nor do I like to take orders from others, but I realize that you have to do this sometimes. No one knows everything all the time, or ever. Its when we can admit that we know nothing about what we are doing, that we can learn the most. Its when we can give in to our innate desire to do what we want to do, that things start falling into place.
Tuesday I would be ready.
Tuesday:
I was able to do more today with out being asked and with out hesitation. I was chatty with my fellow crew as with the actors. It was incredibly, incredibly hot that day and so the usual collective smell we all have was increased ten fold. I am sure you want to hear about said collective funk, so I wont continue with it. One thing that stuck out to me today was the sound guy. When we were sitting outside taking a break at some point, he said that what he loved most about the industry is that he wires all the actors up and then can hear whats going on off set as well (because everyone forgets he has them wired). Basically he knows everything going on on set.
This came up again later when people weren't quite getting whats going on in a scene, and so he reiterated the directors words with his own twist. The AD then said "I love how he hears all the conversations no one else hears." It was funny to no one but me, I'm sure... but come on let me have my moment.
Wednesday:
Craziest morning ever. I got on the wrong train by accident, but I realized it and started to back track to transfer and get up to where I needed to be. On a normal day I would have been fine, but not today. When I tried to transfer, I couldn't because all lines were down due to flooding in the subways. When I realized this, it was 7am and there was no way I would make it to drop off point on time I called my AD and he told me not to worry, to just take the 7:53 train in with the Actors. So I trudge on down to Grand Central Station only a few blocks away.
Guess what, everything was shut down until further notice. Further notice being 9 or 9:30, I cant remember. Hind sight tells me I should have taken the line I was on as far up as I could, and then take a cab from there... but if I had I wouldn't have been able to spend time with the actors, get to know them a little or sit next to Cute Actor.
The rest of the day ran smoothly, and I find out that C.A. likes my favorite band. Sweet.
Thursday:
I don't really remember what happened, we had fun, I talked with C.A., it was sunny, we stayed til 9pm, I was a stand in for Jenny.
FYI, with regards to C.A. Just so you don't think I am a shallow girl who is just chasing after actors, let me straighten you out. C.A. is the easiest thing to call him, and while I think he might be flattered that I thought him cool enough to mention in my blog I wouldn't want to without his permission. He is fun to work with and to talk to, hence why it might seem that I am a little obsessed. I'm not, really. Hes just a nice guy.
Friday:
I was in charge of transport runs today. Basically I got to pick up and drop off the actors from the train station. Sweet because I also was their point of contact for the day. As the person to see them off, I had the pleasure of bidding them farewell and have a great evening. Aren't I so nice?
Also on the agenda for today, I stood out in the rain bracing a step ladder for the guy who was a stand in for the "killer," and then again when I was helping the lights guy play with the lights outside. Needless to say, I looked like a drowned rat by the end, but it was fun. I always seem to find jobs that require me to stand outside in the rain. silly jobs.
Saturday:
Today was the last day at our first location. The morning was the perfect temperature, and we were on a roll. I played the part of the 2nd 2nd. Basically I got to wrangle actors and make sure they got through hair/ makeup and costumes to be camera ready. I actually enjoyed this job. I don't mind dealing with the talent, most of them are pretty cool people. Also included in the 2nd 2nd package is Extras. Now I much prefer Actors to Extras, but you take what you can with the job. It cant all be fun an games, now can it. I had to guard the outside door and yell "Camera Rolling," and "Cut," so that all the Extras knew when they could talk and when they had to shut up. Standing outside wasn't so bad though, I mean I love that I got to sunbathe and talk to miscellaneous crew/ actors when I camera wasn't rolling.
Reason 4,638 that the actors love me: I found a way to make coffee for them in a room we thought we wouldn't be able to. Okay so there's not really 4,638 reasons I know about, but they do love me. What can I say, I rock.
After this movie goes to theatres, my arm will be a star. Yes my arm stood in for the killer, I have to make sure that it doesn't get too much of a big head after this.
Hope you have enjoyed this tidbit of travel through the world of film production. I am sure the novelty of it will wear off at some point, but right now with it being fresh I really want to share in the excitement.
10 August 2007
It Starts...
My lifelong dream of making movies is well underway. As previously stated I took an unpaid position as a set production assistant on an independent horror film. I am just out of a year of service, I am used to this not for pay stuff.work. (I cant get too used to it though, i need to make some money at some point)
This work has been amazing. I understand that production assisting is basically being a gofer and bitch to all of the positions above you, yes even after 4 days I understand this basic concept. The thing is that I came into this position knowing it would be like that and knowing that if I ever wanted to get anywhere in film I would have to start out there, at ground zero. This may not be the type of work I want to do, but it will eventually make it possible for me to do that work. Baby steps, Baby steps.
Thus far the crew I am working with is incredible. They are all down to earth and fun to be around, not to mention the breadth of knowledge I am gaining from just hanging around with them. The atmosphere suits me; and though I am still playing the quite girl who is trying to figure out her job requirements, I am very quickly learning that I do not stay quite for long. Four days in and we are all acting like family. Let me tell you, it feels great!
By the end of each day we are all sweaty and smelly and gross, actors and crew alike. We seem to all love it, and continuously joke about it. What could be better? After working in this industry for a few days, I can scarcely see myself doing anything that strays too much from it.
This work has been amazing. I understand that production assisting is basically being a gofer and bitch to all of the positions above you, yes even after 4 days I understand this basic concept. The thing is that I came into this position knowing it would be like that and knowing that if I ever wanted to get anywhere in film I would have to start out there, at ground zero. This may not be the type of work I want to do, but it will eventually make it possible for me to do that work. Baby steps, Baby steps.
Thus far the crew I am working with is incredible. They are all down to earth and fun to be around, not to mention the breadth of knowledge I am gaining from just hanging around with them. The atmosphere suits me; and though I am still playing the quite girl who is trying to figure out her job requirements, I am very quickly learning that I do not stay quite for long. Four days in and we are all acting like family. Let me tell you, it feels great!
By the end of each day we are all sweaty and smelly and gross, actors and crew alike. We seem to all love it, and continuously joke about it. What could be better? After working in this industry for a few days, I can scarcely see myself doing anything that strays too much from it.
02 August 2007
Crazy Girl
I am quite possibly certifiably crazy. I don't know many people who would at the last minute accept a job for no pay in a new city, even me. Yet, I surprise myself everyday. About two months ago I applied to an independent horror film. Last Friday they called me to see if I wanted to work it. I said yes.
Am I crazy?
Yes.
Is it worth it?
Yes.
I don't know how many chances I will have to get this thing started. If I pass this one up, I might not see another for a while. This just feels right. If it didn't, I wouldn't be doing it.
For right now I am going to just take the plunge and see what happens and where life takes me.
Am I crazy?
Yes.
Is it worth it?
Yes.
I don't know how many chances I will have to get this thing started. If I pass this one up, I might not see another for a while. This just feels right. If it didn't, I wouldn't be doing it.
For right now I am going to just take the plunge and see what happens and where life takes me.
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