The Lion Tamer and the Lion

Sitting on the bus on my way back to NY, I listen to “Free Falling” by Tom Petty. I am reminded of my junior year of college, specifically my spring break trip to Detroit. There were 6 of us, and in many ways it changed our lives forever, mine anyways. At the time we were all wide eyed and optimistic for the road ahead, no fear and eager to change the world. In a way we were all free falling into nothing.

It will never quite be the same. Part of me wants to go back to high school and college, doing everything exactly the same because I want to better retain all I learned. Such unique circumstances yield amazing opportunity for growth. I now look back and feel I might have been trying too hard to experience life and figure things out, but never really learned anything.

Take love for example, I have never really been in love. Now I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of hopeless, dead end dates. There was this guy in college, there is always “this guy in college.” I met him my sophomore year, we hit it off and I let him in. In general I am a person who has to be very sure of herself before I let people in. This was the first time I had ever been so unsure and yet so willing to let the chips fall where they may. I was legitimately falling for this guy and I was okay with it.

One broken heart and two years later, there was a chance we could have gotten together, but I never gave him a clear signal. I was conflicted, and I wasn’t going to let him hurt me again. It was tough; everything was so natural with him, not easy per se, just natural and felt right.

Since then, I have not found anything like it, and so nothing lasts more than three dates. I blame my three date problem on the brutality of the NY dating life. I am sure there is some pseudo psychological tie in, but I’m sorry when I date someone I should be that school girl who is excited about seeing the guy… even a little giddy. Every date I have been on in the past year has been a bust. There was even one time where I walked through a revolving door into Barnes and Noble where I was meeting the guy, saw him standing there, and continued right around, out the door and walked around the block.

That is never a good sign.

These guys are all nice, respectable, and fun; I have always gotten along well with them when I first meet them. There is no spark, though. It takes a spark to make a fire and once I realize that there is no spark (whether or not a further fire starter is needed), I cant waste my time. I can’t stand leading people on, nor can I stand dating just so that I am not alone.

The few sparks that could have gone somewhere have eventually fizzled out because of distance.

I sometimes wonder what if one of these guys was the one, and I over looked him. I can only hope that if that were the case, they would come back when the time was right… otherwise I have lost them to the universe.

Here’s the deal, right now I want someone, something that is open to what could be but is not quick to apply definitions or motives. Several guys I have come across were too eager to jump into a relationship. Call me a coward, tell me I have no reason to hesitate, tell me what you want. Its not going to make me any more likely to jump. Do not try to tame this lion… or at least if you’re going to try to tame me, be sly about it.