The unequivocal magic of the movie For Love or Money never ceases to enchant me. I cant help but fall in love each time I see it. Since I first saw it, I wanted to be the person who made things happen. I wanted to make people's dreams come true as I worked to live mine. And as it would turn out, I would inevitably fall in love somewhere along the way and have to make the choice of staying on course and chase my dreams or give it all up for the potential love of my life.

I would of course choose love because I am ever searching for my fairy tale. As a result, everything would fall into place nicely and neatly because I was willing to give up something I wanted more than anything to commit myself to someone else. And that is how fairy tales are made.

I want to make things happen, I want to make dreams come true, I want to fall in love. I want to write my own fairy tale.

For Love or Money keeps me hoping that all this is possible. And it all starts with figuring out what you want and chasing it until something happens.

Masochism

I can never just be friends with you. As much as I like to think I could, I realize that would never happen. I guess I hit my head harder than I thought.

I Can't Take the Distance Anymore

Something suddenly clicks on and you think to yourself what have I been running from? As I state time and time again, my life is in constant motion. I am constantly and consistently moving. When I'm not on the go, I start to freak out. I think that's more that I don't want to allow myself time to stop and wonder what I'm doing. I don't want that reflection time, I don't want that reality check.

Why? Reality checks help to better understand yourself, the world around and how you relate to it. I like to feel a disconnect. For the past year or so now, since I was in Detroit, I try to keep myself at distance. I don't want to connect. I don't want to commit.

Committing, connecting means standing still for enough time to really feel attachment. This has been one of my biggest fears for a while. Letting yourself just fall is admitting you don't have control, lets the possibility of hurt in. Last time I really let myself fall, I hurt the worst I have ever hurt in my existence. Truth be told that was while I was working in Detroit. I put my heart and soul into all I did and left a little broken. I left with a goal, but a little broken none the less.

Since then I have been struggling to really let my self fall in love with my work and my relationships as I did there. I love what I do, but as I said I keep my self slightly distanced. I couldn't commit myself to a steady job because it meant eliminating possibility of other work. I couldn't admit that I wanted a guy (or a particular guy) as something more than friends because that would mean standing still long enough to admit I needed someone else in my world. I have a horrid Independence streak that I need to break.

No longer am I able to take that distance, I want to break free from this resistance I have created. I am ready again to let myself truly fall.