Trip Down Memory Lane

Do you ever have those moments where you realize that as you continued to grow up, the world where you grew up stood still? I often wonder what might have transpired had I stayed in Virginia. Then again, I don't really.

I will occasionally take a gander at high school friends on facebook. Every time I read of a new couple who are now engaged, who either knew each other in high school or dated in high school. It wasn't until this that I realized just how small town Virginia Beach really is. People grow up in VB, leave to go to school, and come back to settle down. Its like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, people venture out far enough to say they saw the world and then come back.

Then, once they get back, they hang out with the same people they did in high school. I only still talk to a handful of people from then. The ones I still talk to are the ones I've known forever. Would I be stuck in that same rut or rather situation had I stayed in Virginia? I've always been the one who met people out of school and outside the normal cliques. Its no wonder Virginia never suited me, I might be a tiny person but Virginia Beach was just too small for me.

I have been trying to get out of VB since the moment I arrived there. Now granted, it was a nice place to grow up. There was far more to do than other towns. The only times I was ever really bored was during that peculiar stage where you're too grown up to be content staying at home but not grown up enough to venture out by yourself. I wanted more, I have always wanted more and I think the vastness of the ocean I grew up near taught me that there was a whole world out there for me... and I was going to see as much of it as I could.

After following up with old friends, I realize I am living one of the more interesting lives, by my standards anyways. I have ventured out there, seen the world, paved my own path and am successfully living in the city I want to working in the industry of my choice. Despite the fact that I have bouts of unemployment, I am doing what I have always said I was going to do.

What happened to the dreams of our childhood days? Few from my childhood are living out theirs, but so many more have traded their frivolous dreams for job security and a spouse in a quiet beach town. Why is mine so much more interesting? I made it so. I have taken risks, I have remained optimistic through both good and hard times, I have risked it all for a nothing chance... all because I know I'm going to make it out there. I might have to make it up as I go, but I'm going to make it because I will it so.

From Beginning to End

In as far as I can tell, life is in part made up of beginnings, part in endings and part of getting from the beginning to the end. I could speak of many of these in many areas of my life, but in particular I have been thinking a lot about friends, relationships, from meeting to parting. Life is about beginnings and endings, but more so it is about the people we encounter along the way. The people who join us for a while along our own personal journeys. Upon first meeting, we never quite know what these people will mean to us, we only hope that they can help us to recognize more about ourselves and grow a little as a result.

Exhibit A:
The other night I was walking home from the subway station at 4:30am. Fear not, I was not drunk, merely extremely tired (either situation not good, so just forget I mentioned it). In any case, some guy stops me and asks what a pretty girl like me is doing walking home from the subway alone. My brothers would ask me the same thing, but they don't read this so I can say whatever I want. He tries to invite me to grab a bite to eat, I simply say I am too tired to do anything but go home and go to bed. He insists on walking me home. I don't let him, he just follows like a sad little puppy dog. Maybe hes not a sad little puppy dog but still.
He talks about a lot of random stuff while I focus on going home. Home and Bed are my only thoughts at the moment... and I am the only character featured. We get to my place and he asks for my number, and in my tired state I give it to him.
As I thought about the incident when I woke up it occurred to me how stupid it all was. Stupid of me, and very unsafe. Who is this guy? What are his motives? What kind of guy picks up a girl at 4:30am? My mind races with these questions and I realize it doesn't matter. Yes, it may have been 4:30am, but how different is it meeting a guy here than it is in a bar. Either way you're taking chances, and you have to trust your gut most of all. If he calls I might give him a chance, if not then I don't have to worry about it. We will all see. In the future, I will be a little smarter. For now I have realized that you take a chance every single day, but you can't live in fear of it all.

Exhibit B:
I met my friend Mara a little less than a year ago, just before I left for Atlantic City to shoot Ice Grill. We didn't really start hanging out until July, but once we did we were kinda attached at the hip. We had our Ma(u)ra photos, and Ma(u)ra nights, and Ma(u)ra parties. All was well and good with the world, all was well and good with us. Some how, she and I just get each other.
Recently we have begun collaborative writing projects, just in time for her to head to Texas for a while so she can sort out her finances.
She and I balance out each other's craziness and help to keep our dreams alive. Both fascinated with film and the processes, we work well. And, somehow we both have enough drive to follow through.
Its not often you find someone who gets you so well, I can count the number of those friends on one hand. I only pray this is not the end of our friendship

People come into your life and leave as quickly. Alas only time will determine what is to become of beginnings and of endings. Only time will tell us what significance these moments will have, these people will have on us. Only time will show us how these people, no matter how long they were in your life, have affected us.

"Some people come in to your lives for a reason, some for a season, and some for a life time."

Oh the Mythical Fraterday

I shall document the course of the night. As the concept of Fraterday is a mere myth to those who have not experienced such a phenomenon, the world needs to experience the not so glamorous part of the film industry. So from here out, you will get a blow by blow, shot for shot, encounter of this evening.

10:48pm- mmmm food has arrived to feed our starved mind... well we are far from starved, its merely a pleasant divide between now and the time we go home. Derek tries to mooch off of us, we make him suffer

11:05pm- watching The Office while pulling sides, television has proved productive for something.

11:15pm- finished sides as much as I can be... moved on to proofreading the confidential cast list. I didn't know there was a Neward, New Jersey. Maybe they meant Newark

11:25pm- I offer James cough drops because hes coughing... he rejects my offer.

11:30pm- Costume Dept needs help loading van full of clothes to return. I help. Its not about the time it wastes as much as its about helping another dept... and getting up and moving around, that will help me stay awake as the night drones on.

12:00am- James is coughing again, and again rejects my cough drop offer.

12:20am- A sudden outburst comes from my producer's office. None of us in the office have ever heard him so animated about anything. What's so great? Clue us in please. He shuts the door, huh. I wonder what it could be.

12:40am- proofreading finished, and so am I caught up with The Office... now we wait

1:00am- I give up on trying to work and start outlining a new fairy tale

1:10am- Jason Ivey informs us that we have to distro a new one liner... can we not go one night with out distro? This decree overwhelms Bev with joy, and Abbey is laughing at out disdain for the new schedules.

1:40am- Distro complete... and we weren't even rushing

1:57am- James is coughing again, this time I take a hand full of cough drops and hand them to him. He tells me he doesn't like the taste of cough medicine. 1. I tell him to get over it and be a big boy. 2. I tell him they don't taste like cough medicine. He tries one, finally believes me. silly boys.

2:30am- I start watching scrubs... then, just then the unexpected happens... Jason Ivey gives us the call sheet! This means we can run all our paperwork for this evening, and be good to go when we wrap. E-mails prepped and everything before we even wrap.

2:40am- Bev and I are running call sheets and such... Abbey laughs hysterically as Jason Ivey makes some simple joke that blows all the other walkie talk from this evening out of the water.

2:50am- Bev's phone rings in the middle of our working on stuff, she answers it. Its James calling her from across the room asking about car services or something. Smart guy, she was standing right next to you two seconds ago.

3:00am- Nightly paperwork is done, now we just wait for wrap.

3:08am- Bev turns on Womanizer radio on Pandora. Dance party in the office... haha just kidding.

3:20am- we are so close to wrapping that mom and dad have left by now, by mom and dad I mean our two producers... they are like mom and dad in many ways... many ways.

3:24am- Abbey, Bev and I are bored as hell, no one in and out of the office, no one asking us questions, no one bothering us. Its quiet, too quiet. Something must be up.

3:30am- I was wrong, nothing is up, just the still silence of the production office while still shooting on the infamous fraterday. I'm not quite sure when it crosses over into fraterday, but if I had to guess, about the time that you realize by the time you get home you're not waking up until at least noon... if not later, well past the 12 hour marker on your day.

3:48am- We wrap, and in record time we get the wrap report, package up everything and are ready to go...

4:00am- F*ck, we are stuck here until everyone is out. We, the production office, have to lock up. F*ck, F*ck, F*ck.

4:15am- the PA's offer Bev and I beer, a peace offering in that if we have to be there we might as well join in the social happenstances. We accept.

4:20am- I try to lock everything up but people are still loading out. I walk back to the beers.

4:30am- the boys start talking nonsense. As boys often do on the Fraterday, they lose a sense of who they are and start acting primitive again. The Ginger kid suggests swapping around chairs as we talk of the bullshit of the day and how people are idiots... this goes on for about 20 minutes. The most coherent part of this discourse is talking about our weekends, whose doing what with whom and for how long.

4:45am- I can finally lock everything up.... And when I say everything I mean everything.

5:00am- Bev goes out with a group of smokers. I finish closing up the office while the PAs begin to wrap up their antics. We peace out and head home.

5:20am- am home safely and with in 15 minutes am changed and ready for bed. I hope you have enjoyed the wonderful interpretation of the not so glamorous fraterday

The Late Shift

These late nights on jobs really get you thinking about, well things. Lots of things I am unfortunately unable to convey beyond the deepest depths of my mind. Its not to say I am trying to tease you, tantalizing you with a tidbit and then taking it away. I am merely trying to convey that a lot has been on my mind this past week on the Late Shift.

I think the greatest question that has been presented to me is this: How can anyone steal away someone else's dreams? In my time since I finished school, I have encountered many a person. It seemed, though, that no matter what we were all working in the vain of creating, building up others and making dreams come true. What is it worth living if you can't live your dreams, or at the very least attempting to make them come true? With out dreams, we have no goals, with no goals we have no hopes and with no hopes we have no real reason for living. Stagnation is the bane of dreamers.

Dreamers, I have encountered most of all, and like I said we are all in pursuit of our own personal dreams. To find that one out of the many, one whom I trusted dearly has attempted to steal away dreams of others in order to live some feigned existence. I feel cheated and cut, most of all I feel as if I have something to do with this. I feel as if I was a device to this crime, and IMO stealing hopes and dreams is far worse than stealing any physical piece of property.

While living in Detroit that is all that kept any of us going. Dreams are what kept me going, and for someone to steal that opportunity away from someone else is an atrocity to existence.

All in all, it is a relief to hear that one of my current coworkers drops pennies to purposely give out wishes. He started it in part to get ride of the pesky pennies in his pocket, but the more he did it and the more he thought about it he really liked the idea of giving away wishes. Its his way to bring inspiration to life. Maybe if more people would help give away wishes than stealing dreams the world will still have hope for tomorrow.

Spilled Milk

When I was a kid, I hated milk. I couldn't stand the taste of it, and when my mother forced me to drink it, it had to be either chocolate or coffee flavored. I had it today, alone for the first time in years and I have to admit I liked it.

I suppose as you grow up, you're supposed to change your ideas, your mindset and find a new one for your new life. Yet, each time I find one of my previous beliefs about myself to be proven false, I am more and more dumbfounded. How much have I changed over the past few years?

On New Years my best friend came to visit me in New York City. This was the first time in two years I had seen her. It was going to be a fantastic visit, I was going to show her my New York as I had shown everyone who has come to visit, the New York I have fallen in love with, day after day after day. The trip was exceptional, but until now I had never realized just how much we had both changed.

We are no longer those high school girls consoling each other after drama with friends, boys and school. We have grown up; we are leading separate lives; we no longer see eye to eye as we used to. Everyone grows up and grows out, so why should we be any different? That's the thing, we aren't supposed to be and I never expected us to be. I just never expected it to blindside me quite in this way.

In our own way, our friendship is like that milk. Something that tasted one way years ago, just isn't as sweet. Something you were so sure about, just isn't anymore. You still appreciate it for all you can, but in a way your own beliefs have been spilled out over the place and you're left trying to make sense of it all.

Spilled milk is nothing to cry over, you just need to make sense of it all before the puddle spreads to thinly.

Distraction

The days are growing warmer. The snow is melting away and the grassis beginning to show itself again. The fresh smell of spring is in the air again.

The song of birds in the trees awakens our heroine to the beauty in the world. She would like to share this beauty with everyone, but as of late she has been tied down with assignments. With her spring break less than a week away, she needs to get on top of things. She wants to be outside enjoying the day and the world, though. She could work forever but yet the world won't wait for her. There are more important things in life than work, but right now this is what she feels she needs to do.

Sometimes she misses the simple life she used to have, not having to worry about the future. When did she ever wonder where she would be in the years to come? Never. Her curiosity has always driven her to wonder. Wonder about all the what-ifs that will be that will be, could be, or never will be. Lately though she has been living in the present, the here and now. She finds that life is best serves in doing this, in not worrying... she is happy.

The world calls out to her, "Come and chase your dreams! Be free! Come and take flight, soar, fly. Join us! Leave your past behind!"

The world calls her to live and chase her dreams, to forget everyone and everything she has ever known. Freedom calls to her; no strings attached and nothing to tie her down. The world calls while she sits and works. She looks out of her dorm window and thinks, "All I want is out there some where, I could go now and chase it, follow my dream. I could have it all."

Then she wonders, "is that what I really want? Do I really want to run and chase some dream that may not belong to me anymore?" So she contemplates it all. On one hand: want not, do not live not, have not. But, on the other, maybe all that calls to her is fear, fear of not being anything. The fear calls her to runaway from it all and give up what she has worked for, ALL she has worked for. Everything.

The sun goes down and the world stops calling for today. The moon rises in the deep twilight sky. The stars surround it one by one. Ever notice how the stars seem to watch over and protect you. They give you hope. She looks to the stars for guidance.

"The stars hold all my dreams, my hopes. They hold the answers," she thinks. Staring at them she wonders again, "do my dreams really want me to go, to follow them?"

"What is it you want?" ask the stars.

"Well," she thinks, "I have always wanted to... hm... I want to be an actress, and in general successful."

"No, what do you really want?" ask the stars again. "Not your superficial wants. What do you really want in life?"

"What have I always wanted?" she though. "Well I have always wanted to fall in love and have a family, but more than anything I want to live a happy life. I guess what I should ask is will leaving make me happy?"

"Exactly!" the stars reply.

"Will leaving make me happy," she thought. As she thought, she realizes, " No, it won't, not now at least. I have far too much here to just pick up and leave. Too many people who mean so much to me. I can't just go."

The next day when the sun and world called out to her, she refused, "I can't go. Not now. It's not time."

"But you could have it all," taunts the dream, "you could have your dreams."

"I will one day. Now is not the time. My heart is what guides me, not fear, " she plainly states. With that the world left her alone for it knew she would not go until her heart called out to her.

Welcome Welcome 2009!

Another year goes by and I am beginning to think my life has been put on fast forward. Funny thing that time. Alas, I have not written as much as I would have liked to but on the other hand that long list of resolutions I made last year.... Yeah, I accomplished quite a few of those. Now it is time to start a new again.

I love that New Years is about new beginnings. A time to reinvent yourself, a time to improve your life. A fresh start for a possibly better year.

2008 was quite a year, my first full year in New York City. It was my first full year really on my own. It's an amazing feeling, really being on your own that is. I think instead, of doing supurlatives for this year or posting all my resolutions, I am going to throw out my top 5 for this year. Its something I learned from my older brother Tom.

2008 Top Five Moments

1. Tom and Amy's wedding
   


2. My birthday that lasted a week


3. Seeing my baby brother graduate College


4. Having made it in New York for a year on my own.
   


5. Visiting the West Coast
   

I always find it tough trying to simplify my year (or whatever the case may be) into five key moments. It really makes you think about what is and has been important in your life and the world around you though. Hopefully one day we will look back on all these moments and be truley thankful for what they did for our lives.

Now I am going to leave you with a simple suggestion, take a moment and make a wish, a genuine New Years wish. Write it down and see if it comes true. They do come true.

Challenge for the year: Find a reason to fall in love each day.