Who Do They Think They Are?

So I’m going for my usual run along the Westside highway. I decided to head down town so I could run along the water as the sun was setting. With the Marathon only 3 months away, I am pushing myself harder and harder in my training.

The remains of last week’s allergy problems linger so I can only push myself so much. I run for a mile, push myself for five more minutes and allow myself to walk a little. Allowing myself to get lost in my music, I hardly notice the world around.

A young man stops me, he is foreign, asks me to take a picture of him. At first I thought he was asking for directions, and I, being the good Samaritan I am, stop to see what I can do to help. I realize he wants me to take a picture and I agree. One picture won’t kill my run, I am in walk lap anyways.

He poses, I take the picture. He says it didn’t go off and to take another. Again we go, He says again that I’m not doing it right. I roll my eyes, I know how to use a camera. His flash setting was on automatic and it was too bright to really use. Its not my fault his dark complexion turns him into a mere silhouette in the photo.

Finally he is satisfied with his picture and I can get back to my breathing exercises while am on walk mode. But no, the audacious male tries to chat me up. “You have beautiful eyes, do you live in the area?”

I didn’t hang around to see where the conversation could have gone, I politely said I’m glad I could help but I have to get back to my run. Instead of walking, I ran for another mile. Probably more as I am pretty sure my pace quickened.

Why is it that I always seem to get these guys that try to hit on me at odd times, and in odd places? Its one thing to randomly meet people in unexpected situations, but stopping someone in the middle of their work out to take a picture? Interrupting someone while they are reading in a coffee shop? Disturbing focus in writing? Holding someone up when they are on their way somewhere? (Yes, all of these situations have happened to me)

Some would say I am closed off. Really I am not. I am all for the random meetings, but if your’e actually paying attention to me you would be able to read my signals. If I have time, am intrigued, am interested, or just struck by you I will keep the conversation going. I will not be abrupt my responses. I will not ignore you. I will not make up some false story as to why I can’t go out with you right then. No matter who you are, if I am not interested, telling me I’m beautiful 10 times in the first 5 minutes we talk will get you no where.

In these situations, sadly, its 10 times easier to give the guy a false number (or real number if he insists on calling right then so I have his, then labeling it as DO NOT ANSWER). And no guys, if you are actually fortunate enough to have weaseled my real number out of me, calling me on 3 different numbers to make sure I answer at least one of them will not make you look any cooler in my eyes.

I often wonder where these guys get their nerve. Not that it’s a bad thing to talk to people randomly, but it’s always the same type of guy. Same with the random guys that decide to cat call or comment on the street. I appreciate your appreciation in the female aesthetic, but really, what do you think it will accomplish? I don’t know about other girls, but the way it is carried out most the time makes me feel uncomfortable and I want to wrap what ever piece of clothing around me and close myself off. I’m not sure what that says about me, but there you go.

For me, its odd having strange guys I had a 5minute conversation call me incessantly starting the night we meet. Not cool. Like I said, I am all for meeting new people. Just take it down an notch or 12.

Home is Where the...

I have tried to make it a weekly routine to pick one or two mornings out of the week, get out early to sit and write in one of my neighborhood coffee shops. My favorite is variety as they are open as of 7am, generally. This morning they happened to still be closed, and that made me sad. How hard is it to find a suitable coffee shop that consistently opens at 7am so that I, on my way to my way to work, can stop and write for a while? Apparently its harder than I thought because up until 10 months ago there wasn’t even a coffee shop in my neighborhood in Brooklyn that fell into this category.

This is just one stipulation I am going to have to place on my new and theoretical neighborhood to which I plan to move. Its odd, for me at least, to really put so much time into the idea of moving. Until now, moving had been a yearly thing for me, the Navy brat at heart with a bit of a nomadic nature. Since I graduated high school, I have not lived in the same place for two years running and it has always suited me just fine.

Unlike many of my friends in the city, I moved to the city and settled. Me, Maura Trail, settling? How is that possible when I am the girl that can’t sit still for 10 minutes, let alone two years? I suppose in a way its just easier. For two years it has been nice, comforting that there is at least one constant in my life. When friends, family, work, relationships, interests and activities are so sporadic, I guess somewhere in my head it made sense to settle myself in one way.

I must have become too use to the inconsistency in my life, because I am now beginning to get that itch to move around. I don’t so much want to change cities, I love it here and no matter how long I stay there is always something new to see, some new adventure to be had.

No, what I want is a change of scenery, a change of pace. I need a new environment, quite possibly in a new neighborhood, with new roommates. For the past three years I have been fine with roommates that were just over the friend line, but I miss the camaraderie my roommates and I shared in College. Is it to much to ask to actually want to live with the people you are living with? Not really, but New York makes it difficult when my friends and I all start leases at different times.

As I start thinking about it, what better time to try and move though. Right now it’s a buyer’s/renters market. If there were ever a time for me to try to move to Manhattan, now would be it. If there were ever a time to find a really, nice bargain of a place in Brooklyn, now would be it. With the epicenter of the city spreading outward, Brooklyn is becoming the new Manhattan, and it’s the only place in the city I have ever lived.

Do I want the option of living alone? Hell no. I am a social creature, I want roommates. I want to be able to have the option of being social or not being social. Where as when I live alone, I don’t necessarily have that option.

I am a nomadic creature, I have an innate desire to move around. No, before you ask, I know many of you might think I'm running from something. Really, I'm not. I merely have a desire to do as much as I can before I settle down. I know I am going to settle, I know I am going to eventually stay put. I feel like that's something I've always known.

So, what’s it going to be? Will I move in with friends, or will I play the random game from craig’slist? Will I move to Manhattan or Brooklyn? No matter what happens, no matter where I end up moving, I want where I live to have character, like it has some story to tell. When I was planning on moving back to London (which I am still), I said I wanted to live in the east end. Though it’s a little run down, it has character and I have never been more awestruck by a neighborhood than I was then.

Tune in more for updates on the wonderful adventures of Maura in looking for new places in New York. No matter what happens from here out, I know it will be an interesting investigation into the available places in the city.

Written in the Stars

Do you ever wonder where you might be if you chose a different path? If the tiniest detail in your existence were changed? Would you still be where you are today? Or, would those changes be enough to throw the world we know into a black hole and result in some alternate existence? Are we fated to still accomplish the same things in life no matter our history?

I began pondering this idea again after seeing the new Star Trek movie, truthfully though its a constant thought in my head. The movie proposes, much like the Butterfly Effect, that changing something in the past can spin the the rest of existence into an alternate reality. Can that alternate reality actually exist? Will one change really cause that much of a disturbance in the fabric of time? Will it completely change our fate?

What if it doesn't actually change anything but the minor details? I have always been a firm believer in the idea of fate and free will working together. I think that though we may have certain destinies we need to fulfill, the way in which we reach that destiny is entirely up to us. Star Trek puts forth a similar happenstance, though the pasts of the characters were eternally altered, they still ultimately achieved their destiny. Similarly in the Butterfly Effect, the main character ultimately determined that the only way everyone else would be able to achieve their personal destinies was if he did not exist.

I may not be making myself clear, and certain friends might be able to pick their way through my theories, but what if all the choices we make are ultimately leading us to our destiny. This would eliminate some aspects of free will, rather our destiny is set where our path is not. We live in a world where many paths lay before us. Perhaps in the way that in ancient times all roads led to Rome, perhaps all the choices we make will ultimately lead us to where we need to be. Perhaps the circumstances and obstacles placed in our way are a result of previous choices made, and exist to help us in some way reach out goal.

It's not taking away free will per se, its just saying that we all have some innate and unconscious destiny we are working to reach. If we are unconsciously working toward something, how do we know if we have free will? If we are choosing to do things, based on some innate desire we have to achieve this unconscious destiny, is it really the lack of free will when we still have all the same choices available to us?

To throw out a curve ball as I close: If our personality is innate, and we make choices by what comes natural to us, and we are innately working towards some destiny, how do we then define free will?

Two months ago was the last time I ate meat. Seriously. It started unconsciously, I wanted to get into shape and was thus eating more tofu and alternative forms of protein. Two weeks into it I realized what was happening and decided to see how long I could last. I decided to consciously weed meat out of my diet, fish not included.

Now two months in, I feel great. I have never before felt lighter and more energized. My body is no longer bogged down by the heaviness I often felt when meat was a regular part of my diet. In turn I have also tried to weed out unnecessary calories like excessive bread, too many sweets, etc. My new regime is not to try and lose weight. I am 5'1", 125lbs (last I weighed myself). I have no health need to lose weight, so I'm not trying to. I am not denying my body of these options, if I find myself craving something I have tried to weed out, I indulge a little. If I'm craving it, there is apparently something in my diet that is lacking. When I walk to the kitchen at work, I often choose a piece of fruit to accompany my mid-morning cookie, sometimes I only choose fruit.

To anyone who knows me, this is a stretch of the imagination. What happened to the Maura who loved her burgers and fries, who couldn't say no to a cookie or piece of cake, who could sit and eat a sleeve of girl scout cookies in one sitting, who used to indulge in a soda from time to time, who loved her pasta dishes?

Believe me she is still here. I still love all these things, but not in the way I used to. If i ate pasta every day, I'd be very sleepy. If I ate more than one or two cookies a day, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. If I eat food that's too greasy, my body wants to rebel. Me who has never objected to a good burger place, only yesterday opted against 5 Guys for a healthier sandwich place.

The one thing that dabbling in vegetarianism has done for me is made me very aware of the foods I put into my body. Yes, I still love french fries, sweets and all those other foods that are terrible for us. The thing is, I have to be very sure that by taking one thing out of my diet, I compensate for those nutrients in other ways. As I am running and working out almost every day, I need to make sure my body is capable of doing so.

For the first time ever, my body and I are on a great streak for communication. It tells me what it needs (more sleep, more iron, more water, less of anything etc...) and I make sure it gets it. In return, it makes sure I am capable of pulling the hours I know I can pull. When I am at my best, I wake up at 5am, do yoga, shower, leave the apt, write for an hour, go to work, get off after a 12hr shift, run for an hour, go home, journal, sleep and repeat. Insert social time, movies and TV when necessary.

How do I do it all? I donno, sheer determination I guess. It just goes to show you that even when you have hours as long as I have at work, if you want it enough you have all the time in the world.

As for my new lifestyle choice as a vegetarian, do I think it will stick? For a while yes, I think it will stick. There will come a day down the road where I will break down for a really nice steak or burger (and it will be nothing shy of the best). Until then though I am going to continue this regime for me, if for nothing else than to do something really good for my body for once.

Since January 1st of this year, I have been making a lot of life style choices that involve me committing to a certain routine, a new way of life. All is for the better, but I am committing myself to living in a way I never dreamed possible. It could all be temporary, but I am determined to get the most out of my time here, as much as I can out of every day. I am determined to try new things, broaden my horizons and allow myself to be forever changed by it.

When I say I am vegetarian, I am not closing myself off to eating meat ever again; I am opening my mind to a new way of living, eating and taking care of myself. These decisions help me take an active role in living a healthier, fuller life in the midst of a society that often doesn't have the time to think in such terms.

Passed Down Through Words

So maybe I'm not the best storyteller. My friends say I put in way too much detail, and where they heart me for it there are always details I could easily leave out. They often say to me "get to the point," long before I am actually done. Why do I continue to do so when I know my friends stop listening half way through?

Partially, and I won't lie, I like listening to my self speak. Alternatively, the details are what's important to me. The end of the story really doesn't matter. If they did, my weekend stories would often play out something like this:

• Friday I met up with some friends for drinks, we went to one of my friends parties, grabbed a late night snack and went home.
• Saturday I woke up, ran, did some errands, met up with a friend to go to an art show and hung out the rest of the day.
• Sunday I woke up, ran, dabbled around my room until it was late enough to call my friends, went to a movie, and hung out.

So, that might be a little extreme in my description, but at the same time when you leave detail out it reduces any adventure to mere structure. Its not the skin and bones that really interests me, its the journey of how I got from point A to point B, and stopping at Q, Z, H, P and M on the way. In many ways, no its not logical, and it sometimes prevents me from getting straight to the point when I actually need to.

When it comes down to it, I don't care that I went from my personal errands to an art show. I care about the minor adventure we had getting lost on the subway on the way there. I don't care that I went to a movie. I care that my friend and I missed the showing we wanted to see, bought tickets for the later show and then went to Virgin Mega Store where I bought a funny teeshirt.

Crazy, yes. The in between details are what makes the journey interesting. So many things happen to me unexpectedly that I tend to focus and attach myself to those moments rather than the things I had planned to do. So the main point of my day may have been to go to the movies, but I can do that every day. I like focusing on the parts of my adventures that make my day unique.

Though we might get into the same old routine, its the way you look at life that makes it interesting. I never just "wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep." If I did, my life would be hella boring. Instead my day might go "wake up, do yoga, shower, choose my daily costume, write for an hour before work, go to work, flirt with cute boys in the office, joke with my coworkers, take lunch orders from hell, grab my afternoon cup of coffee, be shocked by my Boss's occasional random and hysterical comments, go for an evening run, push myself too hard, take a walk to the subway station I usually transfer at, read on the train on the way home, get home, talk to roomies, journal, watch tv and go to bed."

No one actually cares about everything I did there, but what's more interesting? Mine or the skin and bones? Not to be full of myself, but mine.

Life itself, if we just go through the motions is reduced to skin and bones. We start to forget how to look for the more interesting parts, to look for the little things that will make us fall in love with our world every single day. Part of the problem is that we live in a very formulaic, product driven world. We want results and often over look the steps it took to get there. We pretend like we really understand how we got that result, and everything turns into something less that what it could be. If it doesn't produce results, we don't care and we move on with out giving second thought to what went wrong. Perhaps I think too much.

Maybe that's this world's problem. We get stuck in a routine, life starts to bog us down, everything becomes mediocre, and then we end up settling on something less than our own desires because that is all we know anymore.

Is this any way to live?

It is, perhaps, time for us to stop getting to the point and adding a little detail back in to our stories.

Running in Slow Motion

It's peculiar, the reasons we start projects for ourselves. Our motivation, our drive, our desire is spurred from the most interesting thoughts and for that we are never the same. A little less than two months ago I decided I was going to run a half marathon, having never attempted to run any kind of race before in my life. A month in a half into training and I am still asking myself "What was I thinking?"

Don't get me wrong, training is going very well. After hardly being able to stand running a minute without walking when I first started again this year, I am up to 2o minutes solid. For me that is amazing because even last year when I ran pretty consistently, I could only run a mile at my best.

My runs are getting longer and longer, I feel like I could go on forever most days and never stop. Of course I have to, but after a year and some change of trying to find a proper breathing method for me its nice to have reached a point where I don't want to stop.

What can I say, I have decided to go the distance. Truth be told, I have never felt more alive in my life. I love that I am actually working toward something, something I never thought I would be able to do. For the first time in a while I feel I am actually working for me and only me. For that I feel amazing.

Its not often that I find something I want to commit to for so long. To be quite honest I am the one who has a million projects started at once because I can't commit to just one. Its not that I don't want to, I just have so much I want to do that I don't want to leave anything out.

I am diligent and determined with my training. This is the first time I can remember where I have been completely devoted to a training for myself and no one but myself, normally I have to have other people involved. If I can really commit myself to 6 months of training, I think I will have proven to myself that I can commit to anything once I put my mind to it.

I joke myself about not being able to commit, whether its to a secure job, to a boyfriend, to choosing clothes in the AM, to making dinner choices. I hate committing to anything because it rules out possibilities.

The problem with too many possibilities is that it never allows you to focus. If my training has taught me one thing, its that once you are really able to focus time slows down and you become able to see what it is you're striving for. It's like for those moments, time slows down and you have all the time in the world again.

A New Way to Be Human

Sunday at my brother's Goddaughter's Baptism, he made an interesting comment. He said that (his best friend's wife) had started the process of humanizing his best friend and (his daughter) completed it.


I feel like life, after a time, hardens you. In many ways we lose touch with the things that really make us human, we become desensitized and forget what it is to really feel. When I first moved to Detroit the first thing they told us was to give to organizations, not people. We were to not fall for sob stories from those we worked with. The only way we could ever do good was to detach ourselves.


This mindset followed me through to New York. I had to desensitize myself to the world around me in effort to connect on a different level. The question was, what level was I trying to connect on. I was no longer working in the public service sector, I wasn't being altruistic, I was merely working for myself and for my own causes. This has been a constant debate in my head since then.


For the first time in a long time, I actually feel connected to my world again. I feel like I am part of something grander, like something is constantly moving me forward. This is the first time that my heart is in the game in a long while. I don't know if its the philosophy books I'm reading, the spiritual discussions I have been having, the existential nature of the stories I read


Alas, recently a friend walks into the room and asks rhetorically, "do you ever feel like you want something more in your life? I mean, like beyond just money, not religion just something spiritual."


My answer: "Yes, all the time, but the difference between you and me is that I actually care to try and make it happen. You need to do more than say you're going to do something, you need conviction." I didn't actually say that to her, that would have been mean. Words with out action are meaningless. Therefore this friend is meaningless.


When everything she does, everything she says, every way she acts indicates that she is still the same person concerned merely with money and never having enough, how am I supposed to think she actually wants to change?


I have never been particularly interested in money, as long as I have enough to pay rent and bills each month, I am happy. Really, though its only been recently that I could recognize just how realistic I have lived my time here in NYC. Only now can I see that I actually live my life in a way to connect as much as possible. Some where along the way I guess I found my own way to reconnect with the world I became so detached from.