What a to do...

Hard work and dedication often produce quality results. Saturday was Matrix's New Day Festival. I wish I could say it went off without a hitch. What fun would it have been if it did though?

With MeadowMorphosis there were many hitches, we had to teach two kids the caterpillar dance the morning of because the caterpillar's mother decided they couldn't make it. The deer forgot her choreography, the grandmother rushed her lines, the child was violently ill but still wanted to go on, our bear arrived 10 minutes before we had to go on.

Did I have time to panic? No, I just had time to make it work.

Did the audience notice? Nope, as far as they were concerned it was as we rehearsed it.

That show business for you: you rehearse, you perform and its over... just like that. The insanity and build up is crazy, and the release incredible. When its all over you look back and wonder how you were able to pull it all off.


The first annual New Day Festival was a success, despite rain, no bathrooms and no power. Matrix is at the brink of something that will go on for a long time to come, and build community along the way.

In the pack up, I said I might come back next year for it if I'm not doing anything. Elaine told me to stop, to stop saying I'm going to do things or want to do things when I know better than anyone else that I am not staying.

She's right, she's absolutely right. I can say I am going to be here all I want, but the truth of the matter is I'm going to pursue my dreams. My dream is not to stay here, I love it but its not me. And I need to stop making idle promises I know I can never keep. My heart is in the right place, but my heart needs something else right now.

Dream Big and Fly Away

What would you do to be able to follow your dreams, to live your dreams? I work everyday with women who are trying to make their dreams reality. They of course have more simple dreams than becoming a filmmaker and designer. They just want to earn their G.E.D. and be able to support their families better than they have been able to support them thus far.

What a joy to dream so simply, and what a luxury to dream big. Everyday I am reminded how lucky I am to be able to have dreams, and nothing to hold me back. How I wish I could just give my students what they want. This would never work out though, because what they want is to be self sufficient, able to learn, and pass the G.E.D. on their own.

Everyday I battle their nerve.
"I'm stupid," one will say when they do something incorrectly.
"I need you," they say when I see that they've mastered something.
Constantly, I tell them that they are not stupid, that they know how to do the problem on their own. Truthfully they do, they just need to believe that they can. Half the time I sit there and make them explain to me what they are doing, and 8 out of 10 times they already know how to do it.

I can only imagine what it must have been like to grow up, consistently being told I'm not good enough, or smart enough. The thought of generations of negative reinforcement terrifies me. I know I have a tendency to be hard on myself, but that’s because I know I CAN do better. So often I wonder if my students have ever been told they matter. I try to encourage them every day because I know that with enough drive, they can do anything. My heart sinks a little every time one drops out, but the ones who accomplish their goals keep me going, keep me pushing them to do their best.

Robert Browning said, "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?" If nothing else this year, I hope that I can instill this in my students. They need not settle for less than they deserve because they can accomplish anything as long at they stick to it.

It's not so much the dreams we have that matter, it’s that we dream at all.

Fire, Fire, Fire!

So, today at MEP there was a fire.

It was after lunch, and we were all settling back in to studying. China was cleaning up after lunch with May's help, and everything was at peace. Everyone worked pretty independently, so Shannan and I were shamelessly taking a Harry Potter quiz on which I scored far too high. Had it official scoring, my ranking would be "Harry Potter Genius, Unless you're over 16... Then you just need to get a life."

We discarded the quiz and actually attempted to work, helping where we could or just tidying up the place since we had to leave at one today.

At quarter past noon, Rose and Toni rushed into the classrooms and said "Fire, Everyone evacuate the building."

We all stared at them blankly. Fire at MEP? How could that be?

"Fire!" they said again and blew a whistle. "Please move to your nearest exit."

A thought ran through my mind of those recordings before a movie, "In the event of a fire, please walk, do not run, to the nearest marked exit." How many people actually leave a theatre in a fire? I have been in several theatres where the film has burned through and we all sat there, like mindless zombies. We wanted our entertainment, not some fire drill. Had it been a reel fire, we all would have been dead.

I came to my senses and followed Shannan as she attempted to go get her keys. Rose shooed us back, "Go to the nearest exit, this is a FIRE!"

Shannan and I turned around defeated. Bummer, I thought, I wore a rain coat today and I actually want to use it. We stand outside in the rain, the bus is opened for anyone who wishes to stay dry. Shannan and I stand there, in the rain, getting wetter and wetter by the second. Why don't we go onto the bus? I suppose because we thought the whole ordeal was a tad ridiculous.

Word quickly spread that the fire was started in the oven, while it was self cleaning. This would be why we thought it was ridiculous. If they'd have asked me, I would have told them to turn it off and the fire will go out. I mean its a no brainer: no heat and no oxygen= some smoke but no fire. But no one asked me, we were just asked to wait outside in the rain for the fire department to come as the building filled with smoke. We all know the fire dept does not respond well in this area.

"Get under an umbrella, dear," someone said to me. I ignored them, what can I say? I am stubborn and thought that maybe if I stayed out in the rain it would all be washed away, like a dream after you wake. I was wrong, instead all I got was a headache and wet hair.

At 12:45 we are told we could go back in. All in all, not too long outside, but all could have been solved if someone had just turned it off in the first place.

I walk to the back and hunt for a brush, I needed to tame this mess I was calling hair. Sr. Janette had one in her desk, you can find everything in her desk. A few weeks back there was this sign in sheet that was missing, we hunted and hunted and hunted for it. Guess where we found it. Buried in a pile on Sr. Janette's desk. I bet if you searched long enough you could find some real gems hidden there.

The director was telling everyone to head home. There was no sense, she said, in inhaling all the smoke. To a point I agree with her, but I have another job to get to.

At one Shannan and I grab our things and head out, by that time it is no longer raining and my rain coat is useless. So much for actually trying to prepare for the elements today.

Number Trouble

Numbers:
They were always elusive and enigmatic to me in school, but after years of practice and studying I finally began to understand how they worked. I had conquered numbers and I would never forget how they worked
SUCCESS!

Numbers in Action:
I tutor at a GED facility. Of course, everyone needs help with math, because, like me, no one likes numbers. I am initially hesitant because I remember my struggles with algebra and computation. Quickly, though, I gain confidence as I realize that I can actually tutor math. I can do anything! I can teach anything!

An Obstacle Presents Itself:
A woman is working on basic math functions, specifically decimals. She asks if I can help her. “Sure,” I say confidently. I have been working with decimals since I was 7 years old, I should know them by now… I know them all right, but I sure as hell can’t explain them. A college graduate and I can’t for the life of me explain decimals.

Action:
I try explaining, I try drawing pictures, and I even try miming out decimals. I try for about twenty minutes with books and anything else I can think of, before just looking at the woman and admitting that I am not eloquent with decimals. I know them but I just can’t explain them. Maybe she would be better suited learning it from a book, and then asking me questions later.

Resolution:
She walks away with the materials I gave her, while I flop in a chair and sigh a defeated sigh.

I am learning more and more that I have a problem communicating all the thoughts in my head. I often have to say things two or three times to convey completely what I mean to both of my roommates. I have always prides myself with my communication skills, but I suppose we are never as good at something as we think we are.

All I can say is that I’ve never had so many problems explaining things as I have this year at home.

The Shot of a Lifetime

I crumpled my notes, what good are they when I have them copied elsewhere. Recycle bin in view, I set up my shot. I toss the paper up and it sails through the air. It hits the edge of the basket. It goes in! SCORE!

Now I can be lazy and finish writing while no one needs my tutoring assistance.

Arts Whaaaat?!

So, staff meeting at Matrix today the BAS funding cuts were mentioned. I already knew about that because my roommate's school was severely affected by the cut in funding, in fact their entire after school program was cut and they now have to figure out how to give their students an after school program with NO money what so ever. Hmm that could be tough. (and less than a week later after all of the programs had canceled all of their grant programs, they reinstated it... pardon my language but how f***ed up is that?!)

This topic snowballed into Michigan politics. A group of Republicans in the Michigan Legislature want to deal with Michigan's debt problems by merely making program cuts... basically cutting Arts, Literature and History out of Michigan. (Again I ask WTF... for the record I have used that word more since I have been in Michigan than any other time in my life.) What is life with out these basic elements? Boring and uncultured...

A few questions come to mind:

1. why not take cuts from your own fat pay check?
2. higher taxes for the good of the community or cutting programs to save money? I go for bettering the community... every time
3. Why are you trying to eliminate culturally enriching elements of life? The only good that comes of that is the rich get richer, the poor stay poor and people who once had a voice through these mediums no longer do.... hmmm I see a directional trend here...

I am beginning to think I need to get out of Michigan while I still can.

Subliminal Messaging

so as a costume designer I find that it is my responsibility to slip little subtleties in to my shows... Like the gang colors are purple and white, and the kings crowns are purple and gold. Shout out to JMU!

Welcome to the Real World

I never expected to have a glamorous job here at Mercy Education Project. I'd be doing a little bit of tutoring and then helping out wherever I could. You can imagine, then, my surprise to actually be excited when I saw an event planning opportunity that I could help out with. I mean I've done catering and event planning for 5 + years now, I know a thing or two about the process.

I was overly optimistic about this project though. I thought I would actually have a nice role in planning this whole shindig... I am now laughing at my stupidity. What do I get to do? I get to compile a list of restaurants and hotels to solicit gift certificates for an auction. Woo Hoo!

This is about how I feel right now:


Yup... that's how I feel.

March for peace

Friday night we hopped on a bus with about 100 other peace activists to head to DC. We traveled all through the night, braving the snow and the rain. For warmth I used a blanket that I was finishing. Its gryffindorish colors were still visible in the darkness, that's what i get for using bright colors. The terrain was rough at times and wind brutal, but still we carried on for if we didn't we might never make it to the capital in time. Thus our peace efforts would be useless...

Okay so here's the deal, as wagon trainish as it just sounded, I am sure you can suspect that it was nothing of the sort. We traveled by bus with a bunch of anti war former hippies, and nuns to DC. Yes, I was crocheting a blanket, and yes it was gryffindor colored, but it was by no means my source of warmth... buses have this wonderful thing called heat. To tell you the truth, I slept most of the bust trip there and back.

We got to DC though and I was on home turf again. It was a gorgeous day of 55 degrees Fahrenheit, a far cry from the freezing temperatures of Detroit. I was again in my element and thriving. I am really an east coast girl at heart. Anita and I stole away to her aunts house for a while before attempting to join the rest of the group at the peace march. Her aunt is amazing and really down to earth; i can understand why this is her favorite aunt.

We get back to the Mall in time for the march. Anita and I joined Mary in midst of the mob of masked Bushes and anti war activists. It was inspiring to be around thousands of people who feel the same or at least similarly to me about the issue of war.. specifically the war in Iraq. I really need to stay more up to date with current events. As a group, we marched all the way around the Capitol, a feat that has apparently never been done. 500, 000 people marching around the Capitol. Can you think of a better sight to see?

Anita and I some how made our way up to the front of the crowd. What can I say, when the group stopped walking, we kept going because we wanted to see why the group was stopped. Curiosity got us to the front of the crowd. We rock.

For once it was nice to be in DC, not as a resident of the state, not as a tourist, but as an activist there with a specific goal in mind: to make our voices heard. Exercising our right to free speech, and our concern as the American people. This experience is second in awe only to Live 8, though there were only 100, 000 people in Hyde Park in London, there were 100, 000 people in each of 8 different locations. There were were united not at a country, but as a world.

It is so easy to become lost in the sea of citizens, feeling like a person but not really part of anything larger. Experiences like these make one person feel like so much more, like we are part of something so much bigger. They empower that one person to make a difference.

Jesus in the Hood

Yet another show at the theatre; I am double cast in this one, playing the costume designer AND assistant stage manager. Good grief am I getting a double dose of theatre experience.... and wouldn't you know? I love it!

What I love most about doing costumes for this show is that the costumes need to be modern street clothes. To learn about about how gang members dress today, I talked to Anita's middle school girls and just observed the people I saw in Southwest Detroit. Active research is what I like best. When you're designing a show set in the past, the closest you can get to it is pictures. Sometimes if you're lucky, you might be able to actually get a hold of the clothes from the period. Jesus in the Hood is living breathing Detroit. What more could you ask for in a show. Once I have down the style of the street, I can then start to add the little symbolic elements to the costumes. Of course, they happen to be things that only people looking really hard for scriptural meaning will find. But, the fun of it is putting it there for people to find.

As far as being the assistant stage manager goes, I am having a blast. I love actually having a say in the casting, blocking and the overall visual design. Yes, I do realize that its not common for stage managers to have such a say in the show. That is why I love working for a small theatre!

Howard Zinn Notes

As Promised, here are my notes from the Howard Zinn Lecture:

Leaders always have the power to manipulate the people
IF Stone
Public needs to know history- Multiple choice tests= bubble in history... they hide the real issues
Socialist
We go to war to "civilize" or "Liberate"- sounds like imperialism to me
Were building a wall to prevent the Mexicans from coming into the territory we took from them
When someone sits on 600000 Nuclear Weapons and then says that God tells him to do
something... shouldn't we worry?
Conflict between rich and poor- Gov= rich
exceptions when workers actually took action
U.S. is not #1- we have a record of violent expansion- ethnic cleansing?
Langston Hughes- Colombia
Our law is f*ed up- Habeus corpus is null and void anymore
Patriotism- support our gov... no that is totalitarianism
Govt Created of people, by the people and for the people-- therefore we have the power to
alter or abolish the government
People have to Make the Change
Government cannot continue if people fail to obey
Millions of people doing small things-- it builds up
Great question is one you cannot answer
War is a quick fix and it kills the people you think you're saving.
EVERY war is a war against children
Movements Good!!!! they change you
Working together for something you believe in, that makes life worth living

Heart wrenching

Education is a powerful weapon in our world today. Without it our society seems to keep you stuck under a bar. Few people rise above the bar with ease, and others have to fight their way to even get to the bar. I am fortunate to have had the chance to earn a good education and to choose to stick with it. I am even more fortunate to be working with women who, for one reason or another, did not have that chance but have chosen to come back and keep working towards it. The stories some of these women tell are amazing and inspiring, as I have already mentioned.

These women face challenges each day and they keep going. It kills me, though, to see one of these women hit a major road block that they cannot control or overcome. One woman today had to say good bye. She is not failing or unsuccessful with the program, but rather she can no longer afford bus fare to get to the facility. I wish I could help her out in some way, but our organization cannot pay for bus fare for the women and I am unable to give her a ride for many reasons. The thing is you start making connections with the students and you want to see them succeed... It is hard then to accept the fact that they may not reach their goal because of bus fare.

Yes I do know that in some cases, it is more the fact that they won't try to make things work rather than not being able too... but what kills me is the sheer fact that bus fare is a road block to education here, not only with adults but with children too.

It had been a while since I last felt that everything was in place and right where it should be. I have never been one who needs to know exactly where I am headed, but I have felt lost for quite a while. I didn't want a plan, just direction; yet, I couldn't even figure out where I was at. For me that was something I needed to figure out so I could decide where I wanted to go.

I didn't decide on Detroit, Detroit chose me after I decided to join Mercy Volunteer Corps. Actually, it chose me before i decided on MVC because it was not until I learned of the Matrix Theatre that I even thought of MVC. So really, Detroit and Matrix chose me. It too me a while to finally say yes to the call, but I did. Who knew I would find a job in theatre doing a little bit of everything that i would absolutely fall in love with. Apparently it was in someones plan.

Don't get me wrong, I love my work at Mercy Education Project. The women i tutor and work with are inspiring in every sense of the word. The only thing with that is I realize i am not a teacher. Already there have been moments where it takes me twenty minutes to explain something, just for the woman to go to one of the other tutors and have it explained better than I could in a matter of seconds. I am not a teacher, not the kind they need anyway. I realize that about myself and yet i still go and do the best I can there. The women are my motivation. If they can go in there day after day, take things seriously and work as hard as they can just to get an education, then i can go in there day after day and work as hard as i can do be what they need and do the best I can. Its a give and take relationship there, for me anyways. Like i said though, its not me.

Theatre, on the other hand, is right up my alley. Raise your hand if you knew just from hearing me talk about film and theatre, or from seeing any show i have worked one that I would end up in theatre some how. That should be all hands raised. How many of you wondered exactly why i wasn't involved in the plays in college? Yea, i often wondered about that too, but i wanted to do other things in college. I suppose i figured that i would be there soon enough, I didn't want to burn out.

For whatever reason, I took a break from theatre. Now that i am back in it, I never want it to end. After learning about Matrix's mission to create theatre for social justice and learning that there are more theatres out there that specifically work for this kind of thing, I want to do this work in either theatre or film. It just took me a little while for me to figure out where I need to be. This, however, is a great way for me to blend my desire to work for social justice and my passion for creativity in theatre or film. Isn't it interesting how things work out?

Quite a Tail

As roommate to a member of Our Lady of Guadalupe Middle School for girls Extended day staff, I have the wonderful privilege to be asked to volunteer chaperon their "Super Saturday" activities. I of course say "yes," how could i pass up a free trip to the zoo and free lunch just for watching over 8 girls as they get a tour? It was like i was back at summer camp.

For the most part, they were middle school girls. They wanted to see how far they could stretch their bounds before I called them to come back to the group. We really just needed to cage them up and put them on exhibit because middle schoolers are some of the most interesting creatures to watch in their natural habitat. As frustrating as they may be, tell me that it is not intriguing to watch them make a big deal about the tiniest detail as if their world would come crumbling down if it went wrong. In a way its a whole different culture, completely worthy of an anthropological study.

Anyways, the zoo itself was wonderful. So many animals to see, so little time. My favorite animal that we saw was this fuzzy mammal that gives off a pheromone that smells like popcorn or fritos... although it made me want popcorn. I wanted to see the lions, but the guide didn't have time to fit that in because she wanted to make sure we saw the kangaroos, the polar bears, and the penguins. I did love seeing them, but I wanted to see the big cats.
I finally saw, in person, a scarlet ibis. Gorgeous birds, though they always make me think of this really sad story that I read in Ninth grade literature class.
My favorite part of the day was definitely seeing the girls enthralled by the Llamas. Actually they weren't enthralled by the llamas, but when the guide asked them what their favorite animal was they all said llama. In effort to make their day better, the guide took them to the llamas, the girls weren't too thrilled with that.

On the way home, I happened to be sitting next to Tim on the bus (Tim is the Jesuite Volunteer that works with Anita at OLG). The girls were pestering him and decided to do the whole "do you have a girlfriend" routine:
"do you have a girlfriend?"
" Yes"
"what's her name?"
"Jennifer"
They then turn to me and say
"Ms. Trail, whats your first name?"
"Maura"
"Oh"
Of course, because I am sitting next to Tim, I am automatically the girlfriend that he speaks of... right? That is until I say my name is Maura.

Matrix Theatre= Heaven

As many of you know I am working part time at this little theatre in Detroit. Matrix Theatre truly is an amazing place. Shaun, the founder and executive director, wanted theatre to be accessible to everyone, and wanted there to be a place for the community to explore social concerns and the like through theatre. Quite an awesome concept if you ask me. My time here will be well spent and I am going to come out of the year with more experience than I had originally imagined.

After talking with Shaun about my interests, experience and future plans, we decided on projects for me have a great experience while still serving the community. Here is what we came up with:
-Costumes for "Boomtown 1925"
-Puppet Christmas Carol script work
-Mask-making after school program
-Stage Managing for "Jesus in da Hood"
-Something with Marsh Magic
-Creative Camp (an extension of marsh magic).
How cool is that?

For anyone wondering, Boomtown 1925 is a play that was written in one of the theatre workshops a couple years ago and this is the second or third time being performed here. It was written about and set in Detroit.

At times I feel a little guilty about loving my service so much, but at the same time I think it was me who said that I wanted to use my gifts to the best of my ability. I suppose it just fits.


As far as Mercy Education Project, I am working with the women's program, mostly one on one tutoring and helping out with the language/reading classes. Boy are they going to make good use of my English Degree. It was interesting reading through some of the test booklets and seeing what these women will be studying. I never realized just how much I take for granted in regards to my own language, and how hard it must be to learn if you did not grow up speaking it. Things like sentence structure, reading labels, telling time, punctuation, etc. are things I have never really though twice about knowing, yet these women struggle to learn them.

Working with these women is extremely humbling. It is amazing to hear their struggles and stories about how they finally decided that they wanted to go back to school. The work is not always easy... in fact it is never easy, but while I am helping them learn the basics of our wonderful language they are helping to teach me patience and appreciation.

Introductions to the Motor City

Life here in the Motor City has been quite nice thus far. Though I have only been here a week, I already feel at home. This just goes to show that home is truly where the heart is, and not merely where you have lived your life. I am living in a quaint 19th century row house in Corktown. Corktown is the oldest still existing neighborhood and if you can not tell from the name, it was originally an Irish community. Already we have met a majority of our neighbors; they are extremely friendly and welcoming even though we are strangers to their community.

As I said, our house is cute and looks like a house you would see in movies as a host for Victorian house parties. I am obsessed with our stairs. The front ones are nice, but the ones i am absolutely in love with are the back set taking you upstairs from the kitchen. You see, back when it was first built, those stairs would take you up to the servant's quarters. Now they just lead up to my room, the former servant's quarters. Currently my room is lovely, not too big and not too small. I have long flowing curtains that seem to give my room a very whimsical feel. But do you expect any less from me? The other 2 bedrooms upstairs are larger than mine, but I think mine has character. The forth room is what we are currently using as a community/ computer/ spirituality/ study room. In the even that my room is unbearably cold in the winter, the front room will become mine. Personally I think it is too big, but on the plus side it has a gorgeous bay window. Hopefully it doesn't come down to me switching rooms.

My roommates are interesting in their own respect. Three of us live together in our wonderful, quirky, corktown house. Anita is my age, also a recent college graduate who aspires to go to Medical School Next year. She is already spending a lot of time working on applications and essays. In the area, Anita has an aunt who meddles professionally and so Anita is still trying to explain 1. our mission here in Detroit for the year, and 2. that she doesn't want to go to Wayne State for Medical School. Makes life interesting I suppose. For the year, Anita will be working at an all Girl Middle school where she will be in charge of the library and supervising the tutoring and after school programs. One day a week she will teach dance to the girls. Anita and I get along quite well, and since our other roommate goes to bed at 8pm every night we have had A LOT of bonding time. I have carried on my roommates' and my tradition of watching Project Runway and crocheting/ knitting with Anita. After only two episodes, she is already hooked onto the show. If i have any say in it, the whole world will know about Project Runway. In turn she has introduced me to John Stewart's Nightly Report and we both agree that it is absolutely brilliant. So, if we both happen to still be up at 11pm we watch John together.

Mary is our other roommate. She is an older woman from Maine and is quite a character if you ask me. I do mean character in a good way. Mary is outspoken and will always say what is on her mind, whether she needs to or not. I think that is a great characteristic to have, though I myself do not possess that quality. As I said, she goes to bed at 8pm, which leaves little bonding time by the time she gets home from work. Fortunately for me, I work with her Wednesday - Friday mornings at Mercy Education Project where we will be helping to tutor women who are trying to achieve their GEDs. The other part of her day is spent working at the Bishop's Peace and Justice office with a Spastic Nun, Sister Rita Mary. Despite her hyper activeness, we love Sister Rita Mary. She is and has been absolutely wonderful to us. The interesting thing about Mary is that she has absolutely no sense of direction and has gotten lost twice on her way home from the Bishop's office. One night she didn't have her cell phone with her, so we had no idea where she was. The second time it happened, she called me and I ended up sprawled across our living room floor on top of a map trying to figure out where she was and how to get her home. Fortunately for her I have a great sense of direction, so when I am in the car we don't get lost.

As for me, we all know that I too have my quirks and so I won't go into detail. I can say though that I have become the one in the house to 1. remember every one's schedules before they remember their own, 2. remember to write a birthday card for everyone from orientation, 3. wake up first and go to sleep last. I know... no one guessed that any of those roles would be taken by me. On the plus side though, I have learned to navigate the city pretty well already; so at least i am good for something. My ministry while here is working at MEP (which i already explained) and working at Matrix Theatre Company. I absolutely love Matrix. It is an awesome theatre whose mission is to make theatre more accessible to the lower classes. What a concept, I love it. They work primarily with puppets, and my current project until things really pick back up again is to work on a script for a puppet version of "A Christmas Carol." I am such a nerd, I know, but its dickens and i get to write a script to puppetify it. Did i mention that i LOVE Dickens? Clearly not as much as Shakespeare, but I still love him and my all time favorite book is Tale of Two Cities. Yeah, again I am a nerd. Other than this project, I will be doing a little bit of everything around there, so i am incredibly excited.

Oh, and if I didn't mention before, our house in Corktown is right down the street from old Tigers Stadium. Very nice location.