Spilled Milk

When I was a kid, I hated milk. I couldn't stand the taste of it, and when my mother forced me to drink it, it had to be either chocolate or coffee flavored. I had it today, alone for the first time in years and I have to admit I liked it.

I suppose as you grow up, you're supposed to change your ideas, your mindset and find a new one for your new life. Yet, each time I find one of my previous beliefs about myself to be proven false, I am more and more dumbfounded. How much have I changed over the past few years?

On New Years my best friend came to visit me in New York City. This was the first time in two years I had seen her. It was going to be a fantastic visit, I was going to show her my New York as I had shown everyone who has come to visit, the New York I have fallen in love with, day after day after day. The trip was exceptional, but until now I had never realized just how much we had both changed.

We are no longer those high school girls consoling each other after drama with friends, boys and school. We have grown up; we are leading separate lives; we no longer see eye to eye as we used to. Everyone grows up and grows out, so why should we be any different? That's the thing, we aren't supposed to be and I never expected us to be. I just never expected it to blindside me quite in this way.

In our own way, our friendship is like that milk. Something that tasted one way years ago, just isn't as sweet. Something you were so sure about, just isn't anymore. You still appreciate it for all you can, but in a way your own beliefs have been spilled out over the place and you're left trying to make sense of it all.

Spilled milk is nothing to cry over, you just need to make sense of it all before the puddle spreads to thinly.

Distraction

The days are growing warmer. The snow is melting away and the grassis beginning to show itself again. The fresh smell of spring is in the air again.

The song of birds in the trees awakens our heroine to the beauty in the world. She would like to share this beauty with everyone, but as of late she has been tied down with assignments. With her spring break less than a week away, she needs to get on top of things. She wants to be outside enjoying the day and the world, though. She could work forever but yet the world won't wait for her. There are more important things in life than work, but right now this is what she feels she needs to do.

Sometimes she misses the simple life she used to have, not having to worry about the future. When did she ever wonder where she would be in the years to come? Never. Her curiosity has always driven her to wonder. Wonder about all the what-ifs that will be that will be, could be, or never will be. Lately though she has been living in the present, the here and now. She finds that life is best serves in doing this, in not worrying... she is happy.

The world calls out to her, "Come and chase your dreams! Be free! Come and take flight, soar, fly. Join us! Leave your past behind!"

The world calls her to live and chase her dreams, to forget everyone and everything she has ever known. Freedom calls to her; no strings attached and nothing to tie her down. The world calls while she sits and works. She looks out of her dorm window and thinks, "All I want is out there some where, I could go now and chase it, follow my dream. I could have it all."

Then she wonders, "is that what I really want? Do I really want to run and chase some dream that may not belong to me anymore?" So she contemplates it all. On one hand: want not, do not live not, have not. But, on the other, maybe all that calls to her is fear, fear of not being anything. The fear calls her to runaway from it all and give up what she has worked for, ALL she has worked for. Everything.

The sun goes down and the world stops calling for today. The moon rises in the deep twilight sky. The stars surround it one by one. Ever notice how the stars seem to watch over and protect you. They give you hope. She looks to the stars for guidance.

"The stars hold all my dreams, my hopes. They hold the answers," she thinks. Staring at them she wonders again, "do my dreams really want me to go, to follow them?"

"What is it you want?" ask the stars.

"Well," she thinks, "I have always wanted to... hm... I want to be an actress, and in general successful."

"No, what do you really want?" ask the stars again. "Not your superficial wants. What do you really want in life?"

"What have I always wanted?" she though. "Well I have always wanted to fall in love and have a family, but more than anything I want to live a happy life. I guess what I should ask is will leaving make me happy?"

"Exactly!" the stars reply.

"Will leaving make me happy," she thought. As she thought, she realizes, " No, it won't, not now at least. I have far too much here to just pick up and leave. Too many people who mean so much to me. I can't just go."

The next day when the sun and world called out to her, she refused, "I can't go. Not now. It's not time."

"But you could have it all," taunts the dream, "you could have your dreams."

"I will one day. Now is not the time. My heart is what guides me, not fear, " she plainly states. With that the world left her alone for it knew she would not go until her heart called out to her.

Welcome Welcome 2009!

Another year goes by and I am beginning to think my life has been put on fast forward. Funny thing that time. Alas, I have not written as much as I would have liked to but on the other hand that long list of resolutions I made last year.... Yeah, I accomplished quite a few of those. Now it is time to start a new again.

I love that New Years is about new beginnings. A time to reinvent yourself, a time to improve your life. A fresh start for a possibly better year.

2008 was quite a year, my first full year in New York City. It was my first full year really on my own. It's an amazing feeling, really being on your own that is. I think instead, of doing supurlatives for this year or posting all my resolutions, I am going to throw out my top 5 for this year. Its something I learned from my older brother Tom.

2008 Top Five Moments

1. Tom and Amy's wedding
   


2. My birthday that lasted a week


3. Seeing my baby brother graduate College


4. Having made it in New York for a year on my own.
   


5. Visiting the West Coast
   

I always find it tough trying to simplify my year (or whatever the case may be) into five key moments. It really makes you think about what is and has been important in your life and the world around you though. Hopefully one day we will look back on all these moments and be truley thankful for what they did for our lives.

Now I am going to leave you with a simple suggestion, take a moment and make a wish, a genuine New Years wish. Write it down and see if it comes true. They do come true.

Challenge for the year: Find a reason to fall in love each day.

"Its time to move on," she whispers to herself. The last fleeting thought of her last love fluttered through her mind as she walked down the street. Everything that once reminded her of him seemed to, now, be barely recognizable in any sense more than a passing landmark. How can something that seemed such a sure thing be only a faint memory after such a short time? They say time heals all wounds, but she never expected it to work so quickly.

She hurried through the busy streets, searching for her destination. Frequently bright lights and interesting sights caught her eye and for moments at a time she forgot her mission. Where was she headed? Her mind, a fog of fleeting thoughts, distracted. She saw him today and barely recognized him. She saw him again... and nothing. All that time she only saw what she wanted to see, she wondered "Was there ever anything there at all?"

The unequivocal magic of the movie For Love or Money never ceases to enchant me. I cant help but fall in love each time I see it. Since I first saw it, I wanted to be the person who made things happen. I wanted to make people's dreams come true as I worked to live mine. And as it would turn out, I would inevitably fall in love somewhere along the way and have to make the choice of staying on course and chase my dreams or give it all up for the potential love of my life.

I would of course choose love because I am ever searching for my fairy tale. As a result, everything would fall into place nicely and neatly because I was willing to give up something I wanted more than anything to commit myself to someone else. And that is how fairy tales are made.

I want to make things happen, I want to make dreams come true, I want to fall in love. I want to write my own fairy tale.

For Love or Money keeps me hoping that all this is possible. And it all starts with figuring out what you want and chasing it until something happens.

Masochism

I can never just be friends with you. As much as I like to think I could, I realize that would never happen. I guess I hit my head harder than I thought.

I Can't Take the Distance Anymore

Something suddenly clicks on and you think to yourself what have I been running from? As I state time and time again, my life is in constant motion. I am constantly and consistently moving. When I'm not on the go, I start to freak out. I think that's more that I don't want to allow myself time to stop and wonder what I'm doing. I don't want that reflection time, I don't want that reality check.

Why? Reality checks help to better understand yourself, the world around and how you relate to it. I like to feel a disconnect. For the past year or so now, since I was in Detroit, I try to keep myself at distance. I don't want to connect. I don't want to commit.

Committing, connecting means standing still for enough time to really feel attachment. This has been one of my biggest fears for a while. Letting yourself just fall is admitting you don't have control, lets the possibility of hurt in. Last time I really let myself fall, I hurt the worst I have ever hurt in my existence. Truth be told that was while I was working in Detroit. I put my heart and soul into all I did and left a little broken. I left with a goal, but a little broken none the less.

Since then I have been struggling to really let my self fall in love with my work and my relationships as I did there. I love what I do, but as I said I keep my self slightly distanced. I couldn't commit myself to a steady job because it meant eliminating possibility of other work. I couldn't admit that I wanted a guy (or a particular guy) as something more than friends because that would mean standing still long enough to admit I needed someone else in my world. I have a horrid Independence streak that I need to break.

No longer am I able to take that distance, I want to break free from this resistance I have created. I am ready again to let myself truly fall.