Worldly Wanderings

The Coffee Shop

2012-01-17T19:21:00.004-05:00

(I found this amidst my writing.)

A young woman sits in a coffee shop hunched over a notebook, writing. She writes a few sentences, then props her head on her hand and chews on her thumbnail. She stares idly out the window.

The blinds like bars, the barrier between her world and the outside world. She can see out, but those on the outside have to make an effort to see in.

Do they know anything about my world, she wonders.

It is bright outside, almost too bright. There is not a cloud in the sky. Outside there is a McDonalds in view. Cars drive down the street and on the other side of the window people are walking by. A homeless man walks close to the window pushing his shopping cart.

There is no camaraderie on these streets, its everyman for himself (she thinks)

Across the four lane highway couples and other residents can be seen walking placidly down the street. The two sides of the street are like night and day. The far side is seemingly friendly and carefree, while this side of the street is harsher, dilapidated and disparaged.

She turns her head back, still looking out the window to see what’s happening on the corner behind her. Another homeless man walks through her line of view. A fight breaks out on the corner.

She sighs a sigh of relief. Despite the invitingly sunny day, she is relieved to be inside.

She adjusts her focus to two pairs of men walking down the street opposite her, past a vacant lot. There is a sign, Marios. The lot must have been a restaurant at one point. A homeless man walks by.

She leans her head back down and writes some more. She crouches uncomfortably low over her writing. She looks up and watches a very nice car try to Parallel Park next to the coffee shop. It looks out of place. The Car gives up and drives away.

She looks across the table at her friend sitting with her. The friend is intently typing away. She is distracted by a purple cab just beyond her friend. A man hops into it.

The cab drives off to reveal a man standing in the middle of the street as he waits for an opening to cross.

A man rides by on his bike, someone is chasing him.

She grabs her coffee cup and takes a sip. A homeless man walks by.

She writes a little more. She stops and looks around the coffee shop. There are two students at the table opposite her. They are talking about something to do with housing code. They are loud, an easy distraction. She sneezes.

Bless you (says one of them)

At a small round table in the middle of the place is a girl with a pink bandana. She waits impatiently for someone.

News is playing on the television in the background, its Bush.

She sips her coffee and writes something down. Between two blinds she can make out “happy hour” on a sign across the street. She lets the words go in and out of focus. She shakes her head and looks around again.

The impatient girl looks disappointed as she pulls out a little notebook and writes something down. The girl sullenly rests her head on her hand.

Two guys walk by the window. Both are dressed in light pants, dark jackets, blue button up shirts and striped ties. Twins. They get into their Mercedes and drive away.

I wonder what they were doing, she thinks to her self.

The impatient girl has finally left. A guy walks down the street eating churches chicken.

She takes a sip of her coffee.

There is a guy in a white turtleneck waiting for someone. He walks along the curb, up and down the row of meters three times. He stands with his arms folded looking into the oncoming traffic.

He hails a bus.

This isn’t a bus stop, she thinks to her self.

The news is now showing clips from the nation’s most recent massacre.

Media has no morals any more

She grabs for her coffee cup and looks away from the Television. She goes to take a sip. Empty. She walks it to the garbage, packs up her things at the table, and walks out the door.

Bell rings on her way out.

Live, Learn, Love: London

2010-05-19T01:27:00.002-04:00

As I boarded the plane, slightly tipsy from sitting in the airport bar, I kept making eyes at the adorable Frenchman sitting down the row from me on the plane. When I say adorable, I mean he had a curly shag hair cut, dressed in a button up shirt, a blazer, jeans and a red scarf. At that moment he was heaven to me, and yet there is something completely magical about a place that makes you feel so at home that time stops.

I got off the plane in London and forgot all about the mystery man I was making googley eyes at. Simply, I was home; I felt home and in that moment nothing else mattered.

There is nothing quite as satisfying as being able to simply take off for a week, disappear and get away. I am new to this whole jet setter thing, but could easily get used to it. As I got away, I joined the ranks of my hostess and her friends: Shakespeare Master’s Students at a prestigious college in London. Clearly I was going to be drinking and philosophizing all week… I better get my game on.

The single best reason to fly international is for the free booze. Truthfully, a couple glasses of wine and a Benadryl will knock you out for enough time to get some rest… I only advise this if you are flying overnight though. I passed out and was ready to rock and roll when I got to London.

This was my 4^th trip to London and quite frankly it was nice to be able to just exist in the city. No papers, no class, no touristy stuff I needed to do, I was able to just experience the culture. People watching is an amazing thing.

My favorite thing about London is how orderly everything is, a place for everything and everything has its place. The underground is easy to understand, everyone walks on their left as they walk down the street. Warning labels are clear. Escalators are easy; it’s so easy to fall in step with them here.

Many days (I say this as if it were some epic journey) were spent in the company of my friend’s friends and classmates. They were all the artsy, fartsy grad student type. To them I was a bit of a goddess… reassuring them that no matter what there are always jobs for English majors. Their lives revolve around stories, no wonder they like the ones who actually partake in story telling for a living. “Being someone’s hero,” for just being me is quite an honor… though why anyone would want me as their hero is another story.

Sadly, no crazy adventures took place. Disappointing, I know. My trip to London should at least include a fleeting romance that lasted only a week, perfect scenario and perfect time of life… blah blah blah. That didn’t happen. The only love affair was between me and the city.

Instead of romance I get a text from this guy I have already rejected twice. I really don’t know how I keep meeting these sad pathetic guys… What do I do? Drink to his stupidity with my friends. For me, I will not find some fleeting love in London; I am already in a long standing affair with the city itself (and Shakespeare, but that is another story).

I won’t lie; I fell in love a little more each time I visit.

Highlights of my trip:

12^th Night- I have seen at least a dozen performances of this play and yet I can’t get enough of it. April and I went to see a stunningly splendid fringe performance of this show. I got pulled up on stage to dance with one of the characters! Go figure, I loose my inhibitions and get up on stage in London.

Road Trip, Bus Style- Since April had never been out of the city and I wanted to take a day trip, we ventured via bus to Stonehenge, Salisbury, and Bath. Words can not begin to describe just how awestruck I was at each location. You can just feel the history as you walk around. I know people always say that Stonehenge is less impressive in person. Let me tell you, it might be smaller than it seems but I’ll be damned if I didn’t get weak at the knees in its presence.

Pubs and the chill drinking culture- My dream come true is a reality every day there, sitting around a pub theorizing on life, love, and Shakespeare while just being.

Meeting Manuela for Tea in Angel- there is nothing quite like being able to meet a fond friend in a foreign land. It’s a sense of home, though tea was brief.

I think I have to concede that my motto still remains: Live London, Learn London, Love London.

The Lion Tamer and the Lion

2010-04-23T01:22:00.004-04:00

Sitting on the bus on my way back to NY, I listen to “Free Falling” by Tom Petty. I am reminded of my junior year of college, specifically my spring break trip to Detroit. There were 6 of us, and in many ways it changed our lives forever, mine anyways. At the time we were all wide eyed and optimistic for the road ahead, no fear and eager to change the world. In a way we were all free falling into nothing.

It will never quite be the same. Part of me wants to go back to high school and college, doing everything exactly the same because I want to better retain all I learned. Such unique circumstances yield amazing opportunity for growth. I now look back and feel I might have been trying too hard to experience life and figure things out, but never really learned anything.

Take love for example, I have never really been in love. Now I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of hopeless, dead end dates. There was this guy in college, there is always “this guy in college.” I met him my sophomore year, we hit it off and I let him in. In general I am a person who has to be very sure of herself before I let people in. This was the first time I had ever been so unsure and yet so willing to let the chips fall where they may. I was legitimately falling for this guy and I was okay with it.

One broken heart and two years later, there was a chance we could have gotten together, but I never gave him a clear signal. I was conflicted, and I wasn’t going to let him hurt me again. It was tough; everything was so natural with him, not easy per se, just natural and felt right.

Since then, I have not found anything like it, and so nothing lasts more than three dates. I blame my three date problem on the brutality of the NY dating life. I am sure there is some pseudo psychological tie in, but I’m sorry when I date someone I should be that school girl who is excited about seeing the guy… even a little giddy. Every date I have been on in the past year has been a bust. There was even one time where I walked through a revolving door into Barnes and Noble where I was meeting the guy, saw him standing there, and continued right around, out the door and walked around the block.

That is never a good sign.

These guys are all nice, respectable, and fun; I have always gotten along well with them when I first meet them. There is no spark, though. It takes a spark to make a fire and once I realize that there is no spark (whether or not a further fire starter is needed), I cant waste my time. I can’t stand leading people on, nor can I stand dating just so that I am not alone.

The few sparks that could have gone somewhere have eventually fizzled out because of distance.

I sometimes wonder what if one of these guys was the one, and I over looked him. I can only hope that if that were the case, they would come back when the time was right… otherwise I have lost them to the universe.

Here’s the deal, right now I want someone, something that is open to what could be but is not quick to apply definitions or motives. Several guys I have come across were too eager to jump into a relationship. Call me a coward, tell me I have no reason to hesitate, tell me what you want. Its not going to make me any more likely to jump. Do not try to tame this lion… or at least if you’re going to try to tame me, be sly about it.

Beware the Ides of March

2010-03-15T17:38:00.002-04:00

Today was a day like any other, and yet like nothing at all. I started my second week on this new job, still working out of the same Brooklyn offices I worked out of before. The walk to work was no different than it had been before, but it was completely different.

Recently my body is on autopilot as I walk to work, giving my mind time enough to just wander. I know the walk like the back of my hand, no way am I going to lose my way or miss a turn. The only problem is that nothing seems right. It was a grey and dreary day, but its not a new thing. What was up?

Suddenly I was noticing a building with vines crawling up it, apartments that seemed out of place for the street, awnings I didn't know existed, colors that were too bright or too dull, ally ways I had never seen before, and streets that even as I walk straight down them as usual seem unfamiliar. My IPOD played all the songs it tends to neglect. For a brief moment in time I felt out of place but at home all in one go.

Something has to be going awry today. Clearly I must have stepped into some alternate parallel universe, what other explanation is there for suddenly feeling like you don't know where you are anymore? That is aside from the silly existential crises so common to my existence. As soon as I got to the office, I would plan an escape route... or an adventure.

There was of course no need for one. I blame it on the Ides of March, this day always seems to put me in an odd mindset. However, as off as I felt, I welcomed the change in perception. My head is so often left in the clouds pondering this existence that I sometimes forget to notice things around me. I hate that tendency, and yet we all fall victim to this lack of perception.

In a way, that's what the Ides of March is all about. Ceasar failed to notice the displeasure and restlessness of his Senate, which led to his ultimate demise.

"Men at some time are masters of their fates: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in
our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings."

I like to think that this particular day is not one of malfortune, but a time to pay attention, to open our eyes, to take action, and to take hold of our own fate. We may not always know what is out there or what it is we are really beginning to understand, but opening our eyes to the world around us is the first step to getting there.

Alternatively, if I am stuck in some parallel dimension, then awareness of the world around me can only help to get me back home.

*I am aware that malfortune is not a dictionary word, but misfortune is not quite what I was going for. When in need of a new word, I say make it up.*

War, Peace and Roommates

2010-03-03T14:46:00.003-05:00

Somehow, I find myself in the midst of an apartment war. Battle is at a stand still for the moment. Any attempt I have tried at peace talks has failed; all that is left to do is to wait it out, watch for signs of a potential attack and hope it will all work out in the end.

Funny, the way we end up in situations, wondering how we get there in the first place. Aside from not letting her move in in the first place, was there was anything I could have done to prevent the situation? Probably not.

All in all, she has now indicated intent to move out. When? I have no idea. The only notice I received was in response to an email I sent about rent and bills: “I need the March rent when I move out. I'm not going to give you my rent check this March If I don't move out you can't look for a new roommate so don't worry.”

Not only does this not make sense, but indicates she doesn’t understand her legal obligations to the apartment. She also ignored the fact that she owes me money for bills. Like hell I’m not going to worry.

What do I want in a living situation? All I want is to live peacefully, to communicate like adults and, in an ideal world, be friends. Well, and someone to pay bills on time. She is not that roommate, but I’m stuck because she’s on the lease.

No matter what, I still try to live by the golden rule. This has been a struggle for me. How do you show respect for someone who clearly thinks you’re out to get her, and who tells you how much they hate you every time she confronts you?

You do what you have to do. You live as you normally would, still reaching out if you need to, still trying to not create drama, and (as my mother said) not expecting anything in return. This is a hard, hard, hard thing to do.

Many people have offered advice:

avoid her all together, communicating only by post its and emails,
hold her to her actions (if its something she would blow up at you over, return the respect)
write to her parents with an invoice of what she owes, clearly reminding them of her legal responsibility
push all her buttons until she goes crazy and either threatens or hits me
talk to the landlord and get her evicted (this actually takes more violation on her part)

Why won’t any of these actually work? Recent history tells me she either cannot or will not understand simple communication, and she thinks beyond reasonable doubt that I am deliberately screwing with her. Why waste my time contriving plans that won’t produce results, will escalate the situation and will leave me feeling guilty? For my sake, even though it frustrates me how nothing is happening, I need to hold down the fort and wait it out. After all, “If you’re going through hell, keep on moving, don’t slow down, you might get out before the devil even knows you’re there.” At least I have friends and family to help me get through.

If all else fails, I am secure that if it came down to it, I could take her. And if it turns out that she is some weird possessed ghost like in the ring, I always have an escape plan.

2010-03-02T22:44:00.002-05:00

Do you ever find your self down a path and not quite sure how you arrived there?

I Want You to Want Me

2010-02-11T20:45:00.003-05:00

So last week on How I Met Your Mother, Robin was in a situation after a bad date where the guy never called. It's not that she wanted to go out with him again, but she wanted him to call. She simply wanted him to want her, is there anything wrong with that?

How curious is it to want a guy to want you, even though you don't want him. Well it would be curious if I didn't know exactly the feeling. Last year I had the same thing happen. I went out on a date with this guy; it was okay, but I didn't really care if I saw him again or not. I told my friends that, I even have written proof in my journal saying, "I'd be surprised if he called."

He never did, I was miffed. Then I forgot about it and 4 months later I saw him again. It was in a bar, he was with another girl. He approached me and we talked awkwardly in front of his new girl. I got jealous.

Why do we do this? Do I really expect him to want me after 4 months and a bad date? I never really liked him in the first place, why should he still want me? Maybe it’s the natural desire to want someone to want you.

It might sound absurd, but when I end things its fine. I had my fill; he wanted me and I rejected him. Done and done. When he is the one who rejects me or when it just fizzles out, where is the satisfaction? Where is the allure? More importantly, who wins?

Inevitably, until we find a guy we want to date and mutually wants to date us, its a perpetual game. A game of wanting the ones don't want me and the ones who do, well they scare me away.

Maybe I need to be a little easier on them.

Trying to Reach the Ground

2010-02-05T17:22:00.006-05:00

Every once in a while stop and ask yourself, "When have I gone too far?" What is too far really? Is there a point where we are going so fast in some undetermined direction that we stop noticing the world around us, that we lose grasp of what we are striving so hard for? How long does it take to lose ourselves?

Speed Dating

2010-02-01T21:46:00.005-05:00

As we all know, the dating life is brutal and so every once in a while we need to spice it up a bit, branch out and find new ways of meeting people. To all singles out there, I highly recommend speed dating. As crazy as it sounds, its totally fun and at the very least a great story to tell later.

First thing you must know about me, if you don't already know, I am horrible at the whole dating game. I honestly don't think I have ever made it past date 3. I seem to attract the guys who want to get to serious too quickly and so I jump ship. The other scenario involves guys who play the text message game instead of calling, and I get bored of them before they even ask me out. (for the record though, after two weeks of texting, do you blame me?)

Anyways, my friend and I decide speed dating would be fun, so we find one sign up and decide to go. The day of, the location changes... from a swanky lower east side lounge, to an Uno Lounge down at South Street Sea Port. No matter, I am meeting up with my friend ahead of time and then were heading down together. Of course, we hop on the wrong downtown bus resulting in us taking a cab from city hall to the location. After train, bus, cab and some walking we finally make it. Hopping out of the cab we look around for the place, all we see is UNOs Pizza. We look at the place, at each other, at the place and literally at the same time say "you've got to be kidding me." As we had already paid, we trudged on.

We walk in, check in, drop our stuff at our table, grab a drink and talk with the girls until the event begins.

How it works: Girls each get a number (1-10) and a table. We stay stationary. Guys get corresponding numbers (31-40). Guys will rotate at the end of each 5-7 minute session. As we go we are supposed to take notes on said guys so we can, in true elementary school fashion, check yes or no as to whether we want to see them again.

Let the games begin.

I was girl number 6 with a nice little table in the corner, I begin with guy 36.

#36- Codename "Fist Bump"

This guy sits down and introduces himself with a fist bump, hence the nickname. He and I start talking, not entirely sure whether the event has officially started. Were both there for the same reasons, to have fun and meet people. Apparently he and 3 of his friends are there for the hell of it because they thought it would be fun. My question is if they all live and work in Brooklyn, why are they coming to Manhattan to speed date. No matter. I get a fist bump every time I make a cool or obscure comment, and for working in film and any other time he feels like doing so. He does ask me if i could describe myself in one word or phrase what it would be. I say care bear. Then I top his question with "if you could be any office supply, what and why?" He struggles for an answer, and is impressed with my comeback. I get another fist bump. I think the total comes to 5 or 6 at the end of 5 minutes. My friend was slightly jealous, she only got 3. If 6 fist bumps in 5 minutes doesn't say he's into me, I don't know what does.

SWITCH

#35- Codename "Boobwatcher"

I swear from the moment this kid sits down to the moment he leaves, this kids eyes don't leave my cleavage. Now I mean they did tell us to dress sorta business casual, or even like first date type dress so naturally my shirt that says "I'm up here" with an arrow pointing upwards was out of the question... but I didn't think I was going to have to wear it. Less than a minute into the conversation I was talking wildly with my hands trying to both excite the conversation and direct his eyes else where. I was like an air traffic controller, or one of those tour guides: "If you direct your attention away from my cleavage, you might realize I'm more than merely my rack."

*NOTE* I do not actually have an "I'm Up Here" Shirt, but am now considering making the investment.

SWITCH

#34- Codename "Taurus"

He was cute, and cute in a way I'm not normally attracted to. He was a bit bull like, big upper body, muscular. It came to no surprise that he was a Taurus when astrology came up. He was nice. We geeked out to old movies and quirky stuff. He's a bit of a musician, loves harder rock and Gun's and Roses. All in all he was nice, I'd love to have him as a guy friend... as nice and fun as he was though, he just isn't my type at all. I mean, I'm a team sports kind of girl and he likes Olympian and solo stuff. Though he might win the prize for most fun and interesting conversation of the night.

SWITCH

#33- Codename "PA"

So I might have been a tie watcher with this guy... he had the most horrendous tie, decorated brightly with medical instruments. I straight up ask him "so are you in Medicine?" He replies "I'm a PA." "Great, now is that production assistant, personal assistant, physician's assistant, producers assistant..." I list off a few more, "though judging by the state of your tie, I would guess physician's assistant." He looked at me dumbfounded. I'm sorry, if you're going to throw out acronyms like you're impressive, I'm going to throw sass back in your face. He didn't seem to really want to be there, so I mostly laughed at his unintentional humor. Little man with thinning hair, bitter, tired and roped into attending the event by his friends because his friends like his car the best.

SWITCH

#32- Codename "Stockbroker"

This guy defined being a stockbroker as playing mind games. He said the trick to it was to make the clients on the initial encounter think you don't need them to be successful, that you already are. They will want you and want to work with you. Interesting take on things because I have heard dating described in the same way, especially the initial contact. He was interesting, fun... slightly dumbfounded when I said I worked in film. Why is that so surprising? Not going to lie, I did judge him a little, okay a lot, when he said he walked 18miles home from work one night from financial district to Forrest Hills Queens. Okay maybe my judging was because he lived in Forest Hills. Not sure if he was trying to impress me or what... but that's a long, long, long walk home. I guess, though, he does have the chance to tell his kids one day "I used to walk 18 miles home from work..."

SWITCH

#31- Codename "The Roomie"
In hindsight, this guy looked a little like my friend Annie's friend from High School, Mike. Mike was the roomie of the girl sitting at the table next to me, they came hoping the event would be larger and then they could actually deliberate and discuss when they were on their date. Little did they know they would each only have 7 dates. He was a nice guy, a little whiny about the organization of the event. Once we got past that, we had a really nice conversation. He works in computers, but has worked in television... kinda just fell into it when he did. He's lived all over and is worldly. Talking to him was refreshing. At the end of the end of the next session his roommate leaned over to me and asked me what I thought because he actually liked me and checked yes for my box...

SWITCH

#38- Codename "Blue Eyes"
He had striking blue eyes, worked in finance for a small theatre company. He was completely interesting, completely good looking and completely disinterested in the event. He was roped into it literally 10 minutes before it started. Where he was nice and cool, I highly doubt that he had any desire to further the event past that night. I'm not saying I did, but come on the whole point was to meet people and make connections. Blue eyes or not, show a little enthusiasm.

SWITCH

#37- Codename "Boris"
When I think Boris, I think the Who song "Boris the Spider." Really gruff voice singing "Boris the Spider!" with metally music behind. Why I know that song, I don't really know. I also think Boris and Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Boris is intrigued by my name, so I tell him its origin. Do you want my family history too? Then we get on a tangent about alcohol, I have a glass of red wine. He apparently disapproves. He likes white wine. Wimp. We get into an alcohol discussion and I proceed to detail my taste. I'm a girl who likes dark and flavorful beers, whiskey, brandy, Bourbon and scotch. What can I say? I throw that out only to 1. dumbfound most guys and 2. because they think its incredibly sexy. When our session ended he plain and simply tells me he want to skip all the bull shit of getting emails and puts his phone in front of me. 1. that's against the rules, and we know I play by the rules 2. I don't put my number in any one's phone (such an odd, odd ritual). I instead throw down my card. It has my contact info, and if he can actually hold on to it and give me a call, I might actually give him a chance. So, this totally plays to my idea of guys thinking girls drinking guy drinks is sexy. Any one care to refute that?

Anyways, I go down my list, check yes or no, turn my sheet in and leave the rest up to fate. Tis all we can do at this point, is it not? I reconnect with my friend, we have a much less epic journey back to her place where we have a beer and discuss our findings. Whether or not any love connections are made is not the question or the answer really. Did we have fun? Yes. Was it a great story... better than I imagined it could be.

Mouse Tracks

2010-01-28T16:37:00.002-05:00

Every year, well since I moved to New York anyways, I have gotten yearly visits from the mice that roam the street. Really its only ever in January when its cold and unbearable outside. Who wants to brave the elements then? Surely not I.

Ivan, well that’s the mouse, generally sets up camp for a few weeks, avoids our traps and munches on some of our food. He is a bit of an annoyance, but as soon as we turn lights on he scampers away.

Little did he know that he would have to face my current crazy roommate. The bane of my existence becomes the bane of his. My way of dealing with him is to keep the place extra clean, and indeed it is cleaner than it has been in years past. Her way is to put out traps and complain to our super everyday.

I explained to her my disdain of sticky traps, asked her to put them away (rather I went around and cleaned them all up). I went down and spoke to the super, asking him if he would come up and repair our mouse hole so that my roommate wouldn’t attempt to merely plug it with steel wool.

The super repairs the hole and she plays nice with me. Only problem is that I think he repaired it while the mouse was hiding somewhere in our place. She puts back out all of her sticky traps, which I then have to track down all of them again.

I have a talk with her again about how much I dislike the sticky traps… to which her reply is “I think you care more about the mouse than you do me.”

She did have a point. I don’t particularly care much for people who are completely heartless, selfish and think only how things affect them. To everything I say or do, her reply is “you realize you’re not the only one in the apartment.” Is she so self absorbed that she thinks the world should revolve around her, or that I do things to deliberately piss her off?

No matter. I clean up the traps and think nothing of it anymore. The mouse is safe, for now anyways, until she decides to put more traps out. The next morning I out and go grocery shopping, come home and hear awful and terrified squeaking. I drop my bags, hoping that my eggs don’t break in the process and look for the poor thing. Right behind the trash can was a trap, damn I missed one. Poor Ivan was stuck. How stupid could I have been? I didn’t know what to do so I grabbed my keys and walked out the door in tears.

I come back a little later and check on the mouse again and as I move things he runs quickly to his safe haven. I let out the loudest cheer I can. He was seriously stuck when I saw him earlier and he managed to work his way free. Ivan is clearly Mighty Mouse. He has won for now. Go Ivan! I just hope he has enough sense to stay out of my apt and away from my crazy roommate… she will never let him live.

The Case of the Grey Fedora and the Big Trade Off

2010-01-26T17:38:00.004-05:00

It was a dark, cold and dreary night. Okay so maybe it was only dark and mildly cold, but I wanted to set the mood for the story.

Let's start over. Truthfully, it was a night like any other Friday night in the city. The big debate is whether or not to brave the cold, or to stay in. I, while currently out of work, was inclined to just stay in. The social part of me, however, urged me to go out and be social as I'd been a homebody most of the week and I had several invites. In true Maura fashion, I try to do it all.

I started the night with dinner and a movie from which I had to make a mad dash back to Brooklyn and make a costume change. Fortunately my second destination was in Williamsburg, so I didn't have to go far once the costume change was complete. My friends however wanted to go dancing, and I was skeptical that we would find a place to go dancing in Williamsburg.

The three of us, Julie, Christine and myself, meet at our local pub, have a drink and head out. My friend Christine knows the uncle of the owner of this apparently swanky bar down on Grand Street. There might be dancing, there might not be. Tonight is an adventure, we shall find out.

Huckleberry Bar, cute, but a little hole in the wall from the outside. We walked right by it three times before realizing that was where we needed to be. After passing through a couple black curtains and allowing my eyes time to adjust to the light, the bar turns out to be quite cute and polished for a hole in the wall. Were it in Manhattan, it would be called a lounge and there would have been a cover. Thank God for Brooklyn.

The night progresses and we mostly sit contemplating the people in the bar, my friends and I tend to be quite judgemental from afar. Not a bad judgemental, but judgmental none the less.

Christine is off somewhere and Julie quite suddenly perks up. "Hottie to my 1 o'clock" she says.

I look up, and sure enough an adorable guy sits down at the bar. Julie and I assess the situation and determine whether we think he is there with someone or not. Already that night, we had a run in with a guy who was popping in on his way to meet someone else, so he said.

Christine gets back to the table and after hearing about this guy, decides we all need another drink and while shes there she might as well strike up a conversation. She does and we join shortly there after.

Actor

Shakespeare

Wine

Detectives

Trade Offs

Just some of the things that came up. Some how we leave the bar having traded Julie's Fedora for his Soul. Both items to be returned next Friday, at 2am...

Likely story, Julie will probably never see that hat again. We are ever reminded that no good idea is formed after 2am.

One Week Later...

We all decide to see where this little trade off was going to take us, well that and Julie really wanted her hat back. I meet up with them a little later because the little miss popular that I am has three places to be tonight before the retrieval of the hat.

This time we perch at one of the little lounge tables in the back, so we institute the dancing. There was more dancing this week and more people in general. There was however no sign of our mysterious man. I of course spoke too soon because as soon as I was asked that, I look to the bar and there he is. We make eye contact and I quickly look away, I didn't want him to think I was deliberately looking for him.

Mission is ensued though, I finish my drink and subtly make my way up to the bar to order another and have a little chat.

He forgot the hat of course, but we chat the rest of the evening and he swears to return it... eventually.

to be continued...

2010-01-20T10:41:00.001-05:00

Saying goodbye, severing ties and just walking away is the hardest thing in the world to do. Sometimes it has to be done.

More Scraps

2010-01-14T18:57:00.003-05:00

You never know when its going to happen, when you're going to find someone who completes your world, and you have no idea how its going to affect you. I like to think my world is complex. Really its simple: Get up, go to work, work out, go out. That's all my world consists of. Yet, in some way my world feels incomplete, like a part of me is missing. What, I don't know. My heart yearns though.

From the Scraps of Notes

2010-01-14T18:40:00.002-05:00

Life just kind of happens and time escapes you. Before you know it 3 years have gone by and you're sitting in a rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike wondering when it all changed. When did everyone grow up? You just heard a song on the radio: "you're gonna miss this." You try to keep this in mind as you go through each day, yet it never really hits you until you're back reliving everything.

You went to two of your really good friends wedding this weekend. For them, all through college it was never a matter of will they get married, but rather everyone asked when. 3 years after you all graduate they finally tie the knot. They are the reason to still believe in fairy tales.

Auld Lang Syne

2010-01-04T13:42:00.003-05:00

This classic new year's saying, Scottish in origin, means something similar to "long long ago," or "Long time since." I am intrigued by this translation as a year is but a year and by the end of it so much time seems to have passed, so many things accomplished and so many memories made. Time, time is a funny fickle thing.

As 2009 draws to a close, I am left with much to ponder.
1. where does the time go once it's gone?
2. what happened to everything I was going to do but didn't?

In all seriousness I don't spend too much time pondering these thoughts. I do think back on the year and through its many ups and downs, I feel it was a good year.

I will of course always wish for more time to do all those things I didn't have time to. I will always wonder about the chances I never took, about the guys I could have dated, about the moments I might have missed while doing other things. Should I have kissed more ass at work?

Then I stop thinking. Sure, things could have been done differently, but then where would I be? I might not be where I am today. Do I want it to be different? No, I am happy with where I am and the path I seem to be following.

Now here we are at the top of 2010. Another year behind us and only possibilities ahead. I don't know what this year will bring, or even where I will be at the end of today. What I do know is that in this new year, above all else, I want to make the most of my time so that when I look back, my long long ago seems full of life.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. - Unknown

How will you make use of your present?

To Sing, to Turn, to Driftaway

2009-11-13T20:16:00.002-05:00

Serendipity, a happy accident, an unexpected twist of fate. You don't realize what's happening until you're in it.

Wednesday my day was rubbish, I started on point but my day took a downward spiral quickly and for the rest of the day I felt completely off balance. At some point in the middle of my day I see a new email from my boss and take a preemptive effort to start a new project. I unfortunately clicked on the wrong email and ended up looking at my weekly update from Joe's Pub.

As I scroll down the email, looking for the message from my boss, I faintly see a picture of Fran Healy and Andy Dunlap, of Travis. Being taken aback, I scroll back up to look at the notice and think to myself "Cuss, I was supposed to get tickets for this show ages ago..." Quickly I look for as many details as possible, hoping beyond hope that I haven't missed the show.

I find they are playing all week, two shows to go, I sigh a huge sigh of release and with out hesitation I click on the link to buy tickets.

Sold out?! If that night wouldn't work, I could at least try the next night. Also sold out. CUSS! I click back to the first date to miraculously find tickets available. With out hesitation I attempt to buy a ticket. I'm too slow. CUSS! I don't give up that easily though, I refresh the link until a ticket becomes available to me and then I buy it.

Once my ticket is secure, I turn to my boss and say, "If its not too much trouble, I need to leave precisely at 8pm tonight." No contesting, I leave precisely at 8. There is no way in hell that I am going to miss this.

Literally, I get home, drop my stuff off, grab a bag in which I put my wallet, my book and an umbrella, and head out the door. The entire way there I am thinking that its too good to be true. In almost a trance, I hop in the line forming outside the venue, still listening to them on my IPod. I guess I never took it off when I got home because I don't remember putting it on.

I pick up my ticket and go inside, the deal is sealed! I am in!

The venue itself was quaint, tables for parties that had dinner reservations and standing room by the bar. There wasn't one place in the bar that didn't allow a decent view of the stage. Cozy and perfect to share the night with fellow fans.

Fran Healy walks out on to the stage promptly at 9pm. I have a perfect view and wish I'd though to grab my camera, but, when you're racing time to get to something you're still not quite convinced is going to happen, cameras are your last thought.

The show starts and I relax, I'm there, watching Travis, finally, in a cozy intimate setting where you feel like you're getting on on one attention with the band. To me its not just about the music, its about how it makes you feel, its about how it speaks to you. My favorite part about the show was more than the music, it was the stories shared by Fran and Andy about how the music came to be. Equipped with guitars, and a slide show, they took us on a musical journey through their trials and success. It was as if time stopped and I, for a moment, was in heaven.

There were too many good stories to recount, too much shared for me to even explain... well that and maybe I you would think I'm crazy. Before the stories my favorite song was "Driftwood." After the stories, it remains "Driftwood." A song Fran started humming to himself while thinking about "Cheers" and avoiding doing actual work. He went upstairs, recorded what little he had to revisit a little later. He came back later only to find he hit record at the end of his little session instead of at the beginning. Technology is a cuss. He sits down and listens to the entire tape to see what was recorded, hoping beyond hope that it was there. He heard some walking around, papers shuffling, walking down stairs, walking upstairs, He and Andy listening to REM Daysleeper a couple of times, and finally at the very end he hears himself walk down the stairs and hum the song while he is barely in range of the recorder. Immediately, to not lose it again, he gets to work.

The concert goes on, the hours fly by and were I to try and describe how enamored i was, I could never begin to convey it in words. Its all about how the music makes you feel and for me listening to Travis is pure ecstasy.

As they are wrapping up they explain they didn't want to bring more people on this tour than necessary (in order to promote new work), so they would be selling all the merchandise after the show. That way they could also have a chance to meet the fans. For them they actually wanted to see who in their right minds invested themselves in their music.

I'm dreaming right? This isn't happening, right? No it was and, cuss, I spent the only cash I had on alcohol because I didn't want to pay the minimum bar tab. I have my ticket stub and my phone, that is good enough for me.

I wait in line for an hour, what's an hour when you feel like you're life was changed because of their art. After thinking of what I was going to say to them, I get there and my mind goes blank. I walk up, shake their hands, and wing it. I wish I could be their best friends, I am there with them and I truly feel I could die happy. Fran actually takes picture of us with my phone... its amazing. I love them. I leave feeling complete bliss. I leave knowing that I was supposed to be there and experience Travis in that way.

What better way to further your musical and emotional understanding of the world than by listening to musicians tell stories of their inspirations to create: from grandparents, to love lost, to love found, to innocence, to children, to altered states of being, to experience, to pop culture, its all life, its all passion and its all art.

Oh This Crazy Adventure

2009-10-28T22:41:00.006-04:00

I wake up on a cool, dreary Sunday morning knowing my exact plan. This is a rarity, but it seemed like a perfect Sunday: "Where the Wild Things Are," brunch with Emily, football with Lauren, and then home to relax before my long week on late shift. What more should I do on a Sunday?

Plans never happen as you plan them. I wake up and start the plan. I move a little slowly this morning. Of course as I am getting ready to walk out the door, my roommate confronts me: "Maura, can you take out the bathroom garbage?"

"Is it full?" I ask. Says its not and I say that as its my week to do the bathroom I get to decide when to take out the garbage. Its not full I will take it out later.

She tries to object, but I have to go... she starts complaining as she always does. But I actually am on my way somewhere, so I go.

Great, now I am running late. I get to the theatre, buy my ticket and notice I have two missed calls... from my roommate. She left me two messages, long and confusing... that I only deciphered after I called her to apologize for running out. She thinks my verbal cues in my conversations are all wrong.

I go to the movie, love it and forget about her. Post movie, Emily calls to say our brunch space is full for a football game, so we change locals. Mara calls me and asks if I want to go to a show in Peirmont NY. I detail to her my perfect Sunday, but say maybe.

Em and I brunch, but half way through I get a call from my boss asking if i can send out a few things that need to go out. I say yes and he tells me I have about an hour and half until he can send it to me. I have to be home at four, damn no football with Lauren.

I call Lauren, but she admits she never made it to the game... awesome I'm not missing a thing. I head home to Brooklyn. As I get home, both Mara and my boss are calling me. I concede to go with Mara tonight and I assure my boss everything is fine with the pages.

As I run out the door, I miss the shuttle bus (because the train is messing up) wait 15 minutes and the bus doesn't come. I call Mara panicked and walk to the train. I of course beat the next shuttle bus. I get on the train and am making pretty good timing, until I transfer trains. I have to go two stops once I transfer and it stops for 10 minutes in between stations. I can't even get off the train and make a run for it.

I finally get off the train 5 minutes before the bus is supposed to leave, Mara is waiting with tickets. I sprint, through the station to the bus to meet Mara. I am at the top of the escalator, I can see Mara standing outside the bus. The bus driver closes the door. Mara bangs on the door but to no avail.

We meet up and she calls her friend who' show were going to, to decide whether to wait for the next bus or take a cab. Her friend goes on at 7, we dash to the ticket window to return the tickets because of the stupid bus driver. We have to fight with him but he gives us a full return. Score!

Now we just have to find a cab to take us to this town in NY. After about 10 cabs we find one willing to adventure with us. Its supposed to be about $50, not including tolls or tip and the route we wanted him to take did not involve a toll.

Problem... we are using our phones to direct him because his GPS didn't know where it was going. He then decides to stop listening to us, and we start to get scared. Then the guy gets pulled over. He was speeding and got pulled over, and because of us the nice cop let him off.

He FINALLY gets us there, after getting us lost. A half hour trip took us an hour and then he had the audacity to try to charge us 150. umm no Hun, we did our research. We paid 70.

We got to the show as it was starting, and ran into one of Mara's Coworkers who had two seats at his table. Happy accident and then we shared our story with everyone there.

The show started and I was taken a way to a magical place where all emotion is conveyed through guitar and lyrics. Jill Hennessy was sheer brilliance and exactly what I needed after such a crazy day.

Mara and I made it back to the city in one piece, by bus and we all lived happily ever after.

Take a Chill Pill

2009-10-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

I was talking to my friend last night. What was he doing? Just wasting time. At the time I was a little jealous. When I got home at 10:45, my intention was to simply waste time. What did I do though? Watched TV shows I missed during the week, I journaled, I talked with friends, I had 2 glasses of wine, and I did some reading. This wasn't entirely productive, but it certainly wasn't wasting time.

This morning I woke up at 830 am when my super was supposed to come fix my bathroom sink. While he did that, I compiled my laundry and changed into running clothes. When he was finished, I went out, put my laundry in and ran 3 miles while it washed. I came back, put everything in the dryer and did yoga until it was done. I folded my clothes, took them home, took a shower and then got dressed. I was out doing errands in the city by noon. (I think somewhere in there my roommate also complained to me about something or another).

Is there such thing as being too efficient, or too active? Is it bad that when I do one thing, I am thinking of 10 more I need to do? As much as I want to, unless I have a few people with me, I don't go to sports bars because I can think of a million grander things to occupy my time. How much of any of it is really important? I feel like i spend my time filling it with things I don't really need to do, but in some way feel some need to do so. I shouldn't spend my 20's like that. I shouldn't be that girl who is told at work "relax," "go home and take a load off." Then again, I have always taken after my mother. I have always been that go, go, go girl. I think I need someone to teach me how to slow down.

Rambling Thoughts of an Unfocused Mind

2009-10-09T10:25:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here in my usual coffee shop, two tables back from where I usually sit, playing with the foam at the top of my cappuccino while looking out at the very gray day. Its the perfect fall day and yet today feels a little off. I never order caps, minds a little burnt, when I paid for it neither myself nor the barrister could remember whether I gave him $3 of $4. We decided 4 and I tipped him $2. I am feeling very generous as I made $100 more after taxes this week.

I watch the barrister outside on a smoke break. He's got facial expressions like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl. As I think this it starts to pour outside and I wonder if its worth it to go home and get my rain boots? We will see how I feel when I leave. For all I know the rain will have subsided. Then again, maybe its one of those days where I just don't care. Its Friday, I'm wearing jeans, a tee shirt and my snuggly sweatshirt.

I'd be willing to bet that right about now everyone is glad we are on the stages today. I'm already starting to think that I should have gotten that extra shot of espresso. No matter, I'm sure I will have an espresso at work. Along with a bagel or pastry to tide me over until catering. Mmmm catering.

I see a penny on the ground. I look at it, acknowledge it an the thought that someone is thinking about me. I do not pick it up. My two childlike notions of pennies: 1. find a penny pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck- translation, heads up pennies are good luck and tails up pennies are bad luck. 2. when you see a penny it means God or someone is thinking about you. Though I love the second thought, I still play by playground rules. Its a bit like four square, school rules all the time.

I pull out my planner to write down my friend's wedding, but come to find its already there. I flip through and wonder how. I carry it around with me everywhere and have five things written in it, including my contact information. I guess I seriously cant be tied to a planner. Part of me wishes I could be, and part of me loves not tieing myself to any specific schedule. Its so hard for me to think in terms of dates. Maybe I have been freelancing for too long, and maybe I have simply found some career suitable to my needs.

A woman walks in with her 3 year old daughter. She is bundled up, wearing a pink chucks and carrying a pink carnation. She has braids in her hair and says "HI" to everyone repeatedly. I want one, one day... not now but one day.

I take the final sip of my coffee and examine the foam residue on the inside of the cup. The intricate burnt brownish pattern on the white ceramic cup is most mesmerizing. I shake my head and come back to the real world. It's 10:45, I should get going so I can get there early and take the mail. Why can I never remember to grab the mail.

The chalk sandwich board outside this place says "They should have given the Nobel to coffee." What a wonderfully random thought.

The rain has come and gone, I will not be stopping back by home for my rain boots. I wish I could actually have written something profound or interesting this morning. Alas, I haven't and now its hi ho, hi ho its off to work I go.

Time is of the Essence

2009-10-04T17:00:00.000-04:00

Typical for so many kids my age, my friends don't wake before noon on weekends. I on the other hand am lucky if I am able to sleep until 930. I suppose years of baseball and mom trying to wake me up at 7 and college friends who rarely slept in either have chiseled into my head that if you're not up when the sun is up, you're wasting your day. Does this mean that I am destined to one day be that crazy mom who tries to wake her kids up before they need to be on the weekends?

Already I have been up for 2 hours. I walk down 2nd Ave on my way to Starbucks, I pass a street fair along 10th st. Initially I pass it, thinking that all I want to do this am is grab a coffee and write before I do brunch with Emily. It's 1030, the street fair is just getting started, I have 2 hours before brunch, a little side trip won't hurt me.

I peruse the little antique booths, hoping to find some unique piece of jewelry with character that I just cant say no to. If I were to stumble across a pocket watch I could wear as a necklace, life would be wonderful. I had one, but it was cheap and it broke so I am now looking for a replacement.

No luck on the pocket watch. I do find some cute clutch bags, with out having to ask the woman selling them I know they are from the 1920s. I could very easily get it and add it to my collection of unique accessories... wait a minute, I already have one of those but mine is way cooler because it was from my great aunts. I don't need another.

Seriously though, how much of it do I really need? None of it. I continue to browse, but not intending to purchase anything. If I lived by myself there were a couple glass sets I would be all over, but I don't so right now I wont. I wonder if, when I one day get married, register for vintage items instead of at Macy's or Bed Bath and Beyond, or Target.

I leave the street fair having found no new treasure. A nice, quiet little detour on my way. Alas, I continue on to the coffee shop.

Its only 11:15, I have plenty of time to write before brunch.

What am I doing at a coffee shop at 11:15 on a Sunday morning. Already I have gone for a run, gotten ready, went to church (only sometimes right now), been cornered by one of my roomies, and made it into the city. I swear, I'm even strolling instead of walking at my quick pace. I like the feeling though. I like feeling like I have done something already today. This is why I need to move into the city. I love Brooklyn, don't get me wrong, but in my neighborhood nothing really starts until 11am and sometimes that's too lazy for me. If I want to watch a game or go to a movie or just hang around later, I want to feel like Ive accomplished some of the mundane things I'd rather not do.

Yes, I might be that girl that wakes up 9 at the latest on a weekend, well unless wicked tired OR hungover. And, yes, my friends might have forbidden me from calling or texting before noon (for the record where I grew up it was okay to call anyone after 8 on a week day and 10 on a weekend) this whole noon thing is an adjustment.

I suppose working 75 hours in a week will make you appreciate the time you have a little more. My time becomes so sparse, and where I value sleep, other things become more important. My biggest struggle right now is making a distinction between work and life.

Chasing Summer

2009-09-20T22:52:00.003-04:00

As the summer draws to a close, the first thought that runs through my head is that of sorrow for the loss of the long hot days that are good for nothing more than lounging around in the sun. Farewell to the epic brunches, the ones where you start at noon and you stay all afternoon just drinking, eating and chatting. Farewell to the warm summer nights that beg you to stay out just a little longer, for one more drink. Farewell to the afternoons of sunning. Farewell to electric fans and AC. Farewell to cute little sun dresses and tank tops.

I spent the last day of summer doing as much as I could to hold on a moment longer to yet another glorious New York summer. I woke up around 9 to a cool breeze coming through my window and relaxed for about an hour. I got up, put on a sweatshirt to lessen that slight morning chill as you get out of bed, and then cleaned house cause I'm too busy during the week. I carefully crafted an outfit for the day, including jacket and scarf just because its been a little chilly.

Lauren Loeb and I met for brunch in the West Village. We went to this adorable little place with garden seating where we sat in the shade sipping coffee. What a perfect morning. Following brunch we wandered to a couple of stores before parting ways.

I then headed uptown to watch the Jets/ Pats (go Pats!) and Redskins/Rams (Go Redskins!) games with my older brother at this bar called "ship of fools." Perfect name for a sports bar. Its actually a really cool set up and you have to make reservations ahead of time to guarantee a table, not overly crowded. I was originally not invited to this event because it was an all boys event, but Tom told me to join when it was just him and Neal. We watched the games while drinking beer, though I was a little lost. Not going to lie I know baseball way better than I know football.

It was great sitting in the bar in a sweatshirt, jeans and flip flops. I was cozy but comfortable.

Following the games, we headed to my brother's neighborhood to get cookies at this fantastic little bakery. I love that late afternoon sun, when its starting to set around 5pm. I stayed over there, just chilling until the sun went down and I realized I had to get home to watch the Emmy's because one of my bosses was on it.

As I reached home, I realized that today I was not holding on to the summer but rather embracing the spirit of the fall. Sitting around watching football all afternoon with the boys was so much fun. I love that I can now comfortably wear a jacket or sweatshirt with out being to hot, and the cool breezes that help balance out the moments in the sun.

Fall finally arrives and I remember growing up with Fall Baseball, High School football games, theatre rehearsals, camping, smores, apple cider, hayrides, concerts on the beach while huddled in blankets and sweatshirts; fall is quite possibly the best season, the best of both worlds. Baseball and football, summer dresses and sweatshirts, Iced coffee and apple cider, campfires with warm glows. Its falling in love all over again.

Wine Tasting

2009-09-19T13:13:00.003-04:00

As we know, I am a lover of wine. White or red, sparkling or not, I can appreciate a good wine. Its getting to the point again where a glass of good wine is necessary to calm me down after a long work day. Don't worry, this wont last long, we are just about to start production and my days are getting longer and longer. I come home from work pumped and need an easy wind down (I'm no wino...).

I could spend hours in a wine store. Examining the many bottles of wine, trying to decide what I want. Generally I go with a little of this and a little of that, stock myself up so that the time I spend seems well worth its while. Recently though I have been even more and more indecisive, its like I'm afraid to commit to a decision because I don't want to rule out some other wine I could be drinking.

There is always the type that is new and fresh. The label catches your eye, and the description intrigues you. You've not tasted it yet so you don't quite know what to think. It looks interesting enough, not too pricey, it could become my new go to wine. Is it worth the risk? What if it's too sweet, or too dry? Is the blend of flavors interesting enough, or is it too pretentious for your taste? It has a surprising look to it, as any red wine should. I certainly find red wine delightful.

Then there is the simple and cheep one. Its not bad, just never quite what you want. I mean it will make you feel good for a while? But how long? And how quickly would it turn to vinegar? Do you settle? I don't generally go for the sweeter reds. I mean there's really no risk involved, its kind of safe because its always there. They continuously try to sell you on it, but you're still not quite sold.

You're old faithful is always tempting even though you like to try new things. You know you shouldn't keep indulging yourself in it, but the quality only improves with age. Generally bold, surprises you every time about how easy and smooth it goes down. A deep red with deep flavor, you can never go wrong here and yet you can't always have it. As much as you hate to over indulge, you know you have to once in a while. Only because you never know when it will, if ever be available to you again.

Winery wines intrigue me most. You have to go away to sample, or happen to attend an event that chose to use those wines. Normally, with my luck, they are always ones that I can't quite find anywhere else. Its a subtle flavor that you don't always get, took you by surprise. Its not your usual glass of wine, but you were pleasantly pleased. You try it once and want more. Now you wander wine stores looking for something that intrigues you more or just as much, but you cant find something that quite compares. You consider traveling to go back for seconds? Is it worth it, you could make a weekend out of it? It might be nice to get away. Then again, maybe you were too buzzed when you first tried it to really appreciate it, wine always tastes better after a glass or two. Is it worth the risk?

Yes these thoughts run through my head, maybe I think to much? Okay so I definitely think too much, about everything. What can I say, I like to complicate things. I will probably just settle on something new and fun, like I always do. Syrah is a good go to one, never lets me down... I wish I could find a good guy like that

Runner's High

2009-09-12T00:47:00.006-04:00

When I first started running I told my dad how incredible it was that running was the only activity I could do where my head just stops thinking and focuses on whats directly ahead of me. It's the only thing I can do to really clear my mind. He said something to the effect of: its amazing what happens when you deprive your body of oxygen. Thanks dad, now people are going to think I'm obsessed with some weird fetish. No, no, just running.

I do have to say though, the more I ran, the more my mind cleared. As someone who puts too much thought into everything, it was nice finally being able to turn it all off. I have never experienced a more calming activity, I have never experienced my own ability to really focus on one thing for a while. It helps me better appreciate and understand the rest of my world.

I won't lie, the single greatest moment of my year thus far was crossing that finish line. Something I had worked so hard for. 6 months ago i might not have crossed it. But I did, and here I am a week later still riding on that runner's high.

The actual day of the race I was nervous. I had butterflies in my tummy and I didn't know what to think. My friends were up in the 17th Corral and I was suppose to be in the 26th because when I signed up I had no concept of timing .

My friends and I got stuck in a bathroom line and by the time we were done the groups were lining up. My friends told me to just start with them and I could lag back when ever I needed to. So I did. The race had begun, I started my play list with "Dirty Little Secret," and I paced myself with my friend Sarah.

I paced with her for 9 miles, making brief stops for water, cytomax and disgusting goo. At mile 6.5 we saw two other JMU girls and so we started the fight song, quite a few more JMU alums joined in. Go Dukes! We reached mile 3, Sarah looks over at me and says "Maura, Ive hardly run a half mile with you before and here we are on mile 3." She kept checking in on me, but as long as we were both still chatting, we knew our pacing was good.

Camp Pendleton killed me (go figure) because it was out in the open sunlight for 3 miles. Because of it I had to stop at mile 9 and start walking. Sarah and I did a cheer for mile 9 and she kept going while I walked a bit. Soon enough I was running again. Run walk, Run walk, for the rest of the race.

As I near the boardwalk my theme song, "Hanging by a Moment," comes on. How appropriate, you have no idea. I am jogging there and determined to full out run the last half mile. So I do. I'm on the home stretch and "Harder to Breathe" plays. I start to sprint. I cross the finish line after 2hours, 27 minutes and 54 seconds, 3 minutes (to the second) after Sarah. I am in a state of pure ecstasy.

Two thoughts run through my head: 1. Oh dear lord, I just finished! 2. WTF did I just put myself through? Beyond that I didn't think much beyond "keep walking," "ooh water," "ooh cold towel," "ooh banana."

We all might be crazy. Yes, I probably should have tried a 5k or a 10k before I tackled a half marathon. When have I ever done things the logical way though. I dove head first. When I do things, I do them right; Go big, or go home. It was amazing.

I don't remember when I was last so focused or so committed to anything. I spend most of my time making sure I am not tied too tightly to anything. Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out in this way. The feeling I had here was one of the most amazing things I have ever felt, definitely one of my top 10 all time best moments.

And to think, I was never a runner until I decided to run a half marathon. Rock and Roll it.

Finishing Moments, but before reflective post

2009-09-12T00:47:00.000-04:00

Last full song listened to: Hanging by a Moment
Song I crossed Finish Line to: Harder to Breathe

You have no idea how appropriate these two are

Rock and Roll It

2009-09-05T20:12:00.002-04:00

So here's the deal, as it is the Rock and Roll Half Marathon that I am doing, I thought it only appropriate to share my playlist with the world: (You get bonus points for commenting on my musical preferences for running- upbeat and fun)

All American Rejects: Dirty Little Secret
Cartel: Honestly
GooGoo Dolls: Slide
Ace of Base: The Sign
Artic Monkies: I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor
Bad Wizard: Sky High
Britney Spears: Baby One More Time
Michelle Branch: Everywhere
Guns and Roses: Sweet Child of Mine
Heart: What about Love
Jimmy Eat World: The Sweetness
Justing Timberlake: Sexy Back
Journey: Dont Stop Believing
Kelly Clarkson: Since You've Been Gone
Goo Goo Dolls: Black Balloon
Black Eyed Peas: Lets Get it Started
Cranberries: Linger
CheapTrick: I Want You To Want Me
Aerosmith: Love in an Elevator
All American Rejects: Swing Swing
Amy Winehouse: Rhab
Bangles: Manic Monday
Dave Matthews Band: Crash
Dave Matthews Band: Satellite
Eagle Eye Cherry: Save Tonight
Eddie Money: Take Me Home Tonight
The Fray: How to Save Life
Quietdrive: Time After Time
Rock Kills Kid: Hope Song
J. Giles Band: Centerfold
Rick Springfield: Jesse's Girl
The Clash: London Calling
Guns and Roses: Paradise City
Hootie and the Blowfish: Hold My Hand
Incubus: Drive
JoJo: Fairy Tales
The Killers: Somebody Told Me
KT Tunstill: Black Horse and Cherry Tree
LifeHouse: Hanging By a Moment
Maroon 5: Harder to Breathe
Matchbox Twenty: If You're Gone
Michael Jackson: Billie Jean
Nine Days: Story of a Girl
No Doubt: Just a Girl
No Doubt: Spiderwebs
N'Sync: I Want You Back
Oasis: Champagne Supernova
Pink: Who Knew
Pearl Jam: Light My Fire
Raconteurs: Steady as She Goes
Sister Hazel: Change Your Mind
Spice Girls: Wannabe
Sugar Ray: Every Morning
Third Eye Blind: Never Let You Go
Travis: Side
U2: Beautiful Day
Van Halen: Man on a Mission
Vertical Horizon: Everything you want
The Wallflowers: Letters from the Wasteland
White Snake: Here I go Again
The Who: Pinball Wizard
Spice Girls: Love thing
Puddle of Mudd: Blurry
Paula Abdul: Straight Up
Panic at the Disco: I write Sins Not Tragedies

No Couples and No Etchasketch Artists

2009-08-29T16:07:00.006-04:00

Looking for roommates in New York is like finding a decent guy in New York, is like finding a needle in a Haystack. Hundreds of people looking at any given moment and yet it ends up being way more difficult than it needs to be. When in a pinch, you have to continue searching for the roommate or settle on someone less than adequate; where as searching for a boyfriend doesn't land me in such dire straits.

You have to know what you're looking for when looking for roommates, whether you have the apt or are looking for the room. If you don't, you will begin to feel overwhelmed like when you used to walk into a test with out having studied, been there done that a countless number of times.

I started out looking for rooms, but I found myself in a repeated pattern: find a posting, respond to posting, no response; or, find a posting, respond, get reply, play tag, then no response. First thing you should know is that they were real, honest to God rooms... not that lady who wanted a tenant for her bathroom, and I only responded to the seemingly non crazy. This goal is hard, as there are so many really crazy people here in NYC. Is it too much to ask for a seemingly normal roommate? I mean we are all a little crazy... but its ridiculous out there.

Finally, I make an executive decision to stay in my apt and look for roommates. I mean after, awkwardly knowing a guy who is walking out of a room i am looking to rent, seeing cockroaches, finding a room actually too small, meeting crazies, and not actually meeting roommates, I think i am better off just finding new roommates.

I meet a lot of interesting people. Generally, until the last week, the people who were willing to jump on the apt were not the ones I wanted to live with. Damnit. I thought I was cool enough to have weeded those people out of my viewings. Clearly not. When you have Couples and Etchasketch artists looking for places and they respond to your Ad just pray you don't get too desperate.

When I finally think I have found a couple of people they bail on me... go figure. I had to start the search all over again.

In the end I found some pretty cool roommates. Next time though I think I am going to start my ad with something along the lines of "No offense but please no couples, etchasketch artists or others of such a disposition."

My only concern is that I would attract even odder people... oh dear

Yet another incomplete post that has been in my edit box for ages...

2009-08-25T23:56:00.008-04:00

The days a becoming more and more crisp as the weeks go on. Fall is truly beginning to creep its way in. Every morning the same stout man stands outside his auto shop, smoking a cigarette. "Morning" he says cheerfully as I walk by. I always smile and return the sentiment.

Walking to work is such a simple pleasure that is often overlooked and undervalued. For the past 3 weeks, I have walked to work, half hour each way. It's a consistent commute, unlike the Metro that could take anywhere from 20 minutes if you hit everything perfectly, to 50 minutes if the G train hates you on a particular morning (the G train and I have a Love Hate relationship, it can't be trusted). Recently its been the favorite part of my day.

Finally I have time to think again. I lose out on quality reading time, but replace it with quality thinking.

The more I wander the streets of Williamsburg and Greenpoint, I realize how much like a small town it is. After a week store owners started to recognize me, and said hi as I walked by. Sometimes I answer, but if I'm listening to music I will simply acknowledge with a smile. Who knew that such a big city could feel so small in places? Sometimes I feel like I am back in Virginia Beach where everyone knows me, and sometimes I feel like I am in London getting to know shop owners and the community through my morning walks. Either way this simple notion starts and ends my day on the right foot. Amazing what feeling like part of a community can do for you .

Community and family keep you going in this crazy world. This recently I was at my cousin's wedding, and above all else I love seeing the new family created from two. And, though it scares me to no end that she is married now (shes 2 months younger than me), the whole weekend it was nothing but smiles. Two families, coming together to celebrate. Why can't everything in life be so simple as a celebration between friends and family?

My Next 25- (this one has been sitting, waiting to be posted for a while now... whoops)

2009-08-15T14:57:00.002-04:00

Another year goes by and I find myself embarking on my third year in New York as I hit the quarter century mark. The more I thought about it, the more I thought it was just another year in my life. One year older, one more year of life experience. 26 was going to be my mile marker because of my silly association with the number 13.

This year wasn't just another year though. Close friends (not just people I know from college and high school) started to get married, started to have kids, bought houses, got promotions, finished grad school... the list could go on. Here I was sitting around in New York, no closer to knowing what want out of life, no closer to having a boyfriend, no closer to growing up. New York is my Neverland in that way.

I am normally the one to brush off birthdays, go out for drinks with friends but I don't like making a big deal out of them. I am normally the one who, if starting a new job would say we can just do a birthday dinner later, after Ive settled in or when I have time again. I love them, but I don't need to make a big deal of them. This year not so much. The week leading up to it, I started a new job, had no idea what I was going to do about housing after Sept 1, hadn't seen friends in about a week, for once I felt alone. I tried, I really tried, but when it came down to it; I wanted to at least spend my birthday with family or with friends. Which I did :-)

It's funny how quickly 25 hits you. Since I turned 18 my life has been, literally, a blur; and, as you're trying to sort trough everything, more stuff just piles up. How do we do it? How do we process it all? How do we keep going? These are the years that Media and Television hype as the best years where everything happens, and yet I feel as if Ive been barely floating in a sea of possibilities that are sometimes too overwhelming to fathom. How do I do it? I juggle, paying attention to the balls in the air because if I stop to see what has dropped, I will lose them all.

It seems to me that 30 will be much easier to handle; by 30 I will have accepted my fate, where I am headed and all that is to come. 25 though just sneaks up on you. I had one hell of a year though.

Top 5 from my 25th year:

Older Brother getting Married
Going to California
Deciding to Run a Half Marathon
Thanksgiving in NYC with my friends
Getting a hand written response from the Producer of Harry Potter, after sending my resume and cover letter for possible employment

There have been times where I feel like I am constantly losing and finding faith in the world around me. Yet I keep going. I may not know where I am headed or even what I really want out of life, but that's part of the fun of my adventure. Things are always thrown at you to make you question, to really think, to help you understand yourself a little better. I can only hope that I am answering them correctly (but then that is all relative).

Right now who am I?
I am Maura; I like to write, though can never finish a story; I am seldom late; I make masks; I have an unnatural love for that upbeat 90s music; until this year I was never a runner; I like a boyfriend but with no definitions- I can hardly define my own existence; I never know what I want until I am in the middle of it; I need my friends; I love Shakespeare; I have been known to sit down and drink a whole bottle of wine in one sitting (but not often); I actually like scotch and whiskey; I still have stars on my ceiling; I am not a New Yorker, just someone momentarily living in New York; If I could wear heels everyday I would; I feel most comfortable in jeans and flip flops; I won't slow dance with just anyone; I am a temporary vegetarian, but is almost certain she would give it up for a good steak or burger; I am ticklish, and as a result I find guys who are ticklish wickedly sexy; I am sure the guy for me is the one who makes me want to stand still for a bit; I am addicted to True Blood; when I watch TV its generally reruns of CSI or bad movies; I like to be able to do yoga in my room; I am more likely to be a pirate than a ninja; I still play super Nintendo; I actually like traveling by bus; I sometimes find myself keeping myself closed off from close friends; I am slightly anxious about living in the same apt for a third year in a row; I have a very dry sense of humor; I am an eternal optimist; I define family as those closest to my heart, the most important part of life.

That is me right now, at 25 as I embark on this new journey. What will be will be, and the only thing I know right now is that I will continue to go with the flow and take risks when I can. Life happens; sometimes I think we're all mere passengers trying to backseat drive, and sometimes I think its pure chaos where nothing is determined until we make it happen. Either way I will make the most of my next 25 years because my world as I know it is going to do nothing but change.

That Long and Winding Road

2009-08-06T13:08:00.001-04:00

Life has a way of working itself out exactly as its meant to, yet I still try to have control of what's going to happen. One of these days I'm going to learn that no matter how i try, its not up to me. With out turning this into a "Fate vs. Free Will" debate, I just mean to say that there are always other factors involved that you can't control. In the end all you can do is put in your best effort and what will happen will happen.

This past month has been rough for me. Not because I've been out of work too long, this is not the longest i have gone with out a job. More because I went on more interviews than I normally go on while out of work and couldn't land one of them. Because of that and because I was reevaluating my situation, where I want to be and whether or not the path I'm no will get me there, I had a slight existential crisis. Am I doing what I want to be doing? Will this take me anywhere? Am I happy? What's the point of it all?

Every question could be answered in so many ways. I was living a dichotomy, a contradiction and I was focusing on me way too much. I started turning on the morning news while I did yoga every morning, trying to bring a new focus back to my world. I am not the only one out there with out a job, I am not the only one out there questioning where I want to go, my problems are nothing compared to the problems facing the country. I am able to breathe again, and the world comes back into focus.

I am 25. I don't have to know where I'm going yet. I don't have to know what I want. I don't have to have it all figured out. Questions are allowed to be unanswered. I am allowed to say I don't know.

Two years ago, on a whim, I hopped on a bus and moved to New York. No job, just an internship and a couch to sleep on. From there I had to see how it went. I had no answers then, only more questions. The answers had to be found along the way.

The more I think about this whole existence, the more I think maybe its not about having answers or knowing where you're going. Maybe it's about having some idea of what you want, knowing what you're capable of, being fearless enough to risk it all and knowing beyond all doubt that there are always people looking out for you.

Only once we realize we are not alone can we muster the courage to journey onward. We don't always have a travel companion, or guide, but the connections we make along the way make the journey worth taking.

Coffee Date

2009-07-29T15:44:00.005-04:00

A girl, mid-midtwenties with light brown hair tied back in a pony tail, sits writing in a coffee shop. She seems quite focused, having not noticed her coffee for the past fifteen minutes as she works on her writing. Periodically she looks up and around to gather her thoughts, then puts her nose back to the grindstone.

Her papers are spread everywhere. Fortunately for her she had won this table fair and square, through careful planning and a little luck. It was all hers.

Quite suddenly though a man sits down opposite her, tossing his Coach and PINK shopping bags in a free corner of the table. He pulls the chair out so he is facing the coffee bar, not her, as he rests his Iced Latte cup on the table.

The condensation drips down his cup, on to the table and creeps towards her papers. She hastens to move her work, the last thing she wants is water wrinkled paper. Her actions go unnoticed and she glares at the disruptive ma as she takes a long sip of her forgotten coffee.

The nerve of that man. How dare he invade her work space. She would have no problem with it had he simply asked if she minded him sitting down for a moment, but the fact that he has clearly invaded her personal space with out consideration really bothers her. The man is probably on his way home after a long morning of shopping as stores she can't even dream of being able to afford right now. Just because he can be that guy, doesn't me he has the right to just take over anyone's personal space. Okay so it might be a public area, but still she won the talbe fair and square twenty minutes earlier. Now she can't get herself back on track.

He shakes ice in the bottom of his cup around, trying to mix the water with coffee just so. She glares at him again. Has he no respect?

She, with out looking, reaches for her coffee accidentally knocking it over. The cup is recovered but not before a considerable amount spills out. Her first instinct is to again pull her papers out of the way. She looks up and notices the man jump up, the coffee has made its way into his lap. She looks at him innocently and shrugs as she slides her stack of napkins in his direction, looking down again at her writing.

She didn't to spill coffee on him, but now maybe next time he will ask before imposing himself on some stranger.

Stroke of Lightening

2009-07-19T00:39:00.005-04:00

Clouds began to roll in as I lay out on the beach. The waves get rougher and rougher while the wind starts to pick up. I had been reading journals I kept in college, not living in the past, just trying to understand a few things that had come back into light lately. In all the time I was out on the beach, I made little progress. I just sunk deeper and deeper into a mess that perhaps should have been cleaned up a while ago, and confused when, while in the process of that, I uncovered some other question.

Of course that is how it always happens.

I more than welcomed the towering grey storm clouds that drove me away from the beach. After packing up my things, I walked over to the shore line and stood at the edge playing a cat and mouse game with the waves rolling in. I love the way the ocean appears to extend until forever, so many possibilities if only I could find a way to reach them. Sometimes I want to just hop on a sailboat and ride the wind to just see where it takes me.

I turn and head back, retrieve my things and head to my car.

I take back roads the whole way, in my mind that is the only way to travel in Virginia Beach. Nothing but grey skies and the tree line in front of me. The area changes so much every time I come back and yet I can always find a route that reminds me of a small town instead of sprawling suburbia.

The sky was a dark, deep blue-grey. The shade of grey just before it's about to storm. Someone once told me that grey was their favorite color, because they simply could find anything more beautiful than the sky before the storm. Likewise, my favorite color is blue because of the sky just after the sun has set but before the darkness has set in, twilight. Lightening begins to dance across the sky. I am mesmerized, I had forgotten how beautiful the summer sky was when illuminated by bolts of lightening.

How simple the beauty of summer, and how romantic the idea of a summer storm. The long hazy days of the beach can just be washed away by an unexpected rain storm and replaced by a cool, humid evening. You're never quite sure whether it will rain again; but as the sun creeps through the clouds just before sunset, you look to the sky in awe and with out a care. The brilliance of a summer sunset is equal to that of a winter sunrise in my opinion. Neither can be quite compared to anything else.

What does all of this mean? I don't know. Summer lightening storms make me feel a sense of renewal, the feeling that rolls in and takes you by surprise. It completely washes over to make you feel anew. This time was a bit more complex. I am left with the oddest sunburn I could have possibly gotten from laying on the beach and a lot of things to think about as I head back to New York.

A Midsummer's Night Dream

2009-07-07T12:31:00.007-04:00

The title might be misleading, and stolen, but for me it was a dream come true.

As I believe I have mentioned before, I have a bit of a running love affair with Shakespeare. For this reason, I am compelled to go see every version of every play I am able to do. My favorites were in college, I was half an hour (or less) from the Black Friar's theatre, which housed the Shenandoah Shakespeare Company. Since I've moved on, I haven't been as fortunate to be able to see shows as frequently, but New York does have the wonderful Shakespeare in the Park every summer. Even better, its free. This year they were showing the Twelfth Night, which if you don't know is my favorite of the comedies. Between movie and stage versions, I have seen it at least a dozen times and read it at least 50 times more. There is something amazingly enchanting about this show for me.

The weather in New York recently has been absurdly chaotic. No matter what the weather man says, you have to be prepared for literally for rain or shine at all times. When I left to camp out for six hours for my Shakespeare tickets, I was ready to withstand a hurricane in order to get my tickets. Nothing was going to prevent me from getting them as it was the one thing I was looking forward to this summer. Needless to say, getting there at 6:30 in the morning, I got the tickets.

The day it self reminded me of the many summer days from Virginia Beach. Summers, to me, are characterized by long, hot, humid days. The days it doesn't rain, you wish it did. When it does rain, half the time its refreshing and half the time it becomes more miserable than it was before. As a result, there was no complaining about the weather. I mean you could, but there was no use, you might as well make the most of your time. So many of these days happened, of course, when we were going to Busch Gardens. Those were in fact the best days to go because you could get front row on all the roller coasters since no one was there. I didn't get front row at Shakespeare, there were people more crazy than I.

My day was spent, inside and outside. As the rain picked up, I popped into stores or restaurants and when it ceased I continued with my daily missions. This is after I get my tickets. Like I said, it reminded me of the days I would spend at Busch Gardens: slightly water logged, but still trucking through. After a while you give up worrying about weather you are dry or wet and just roll with it. Like so many of the days, the weather cleared up and I sat in a cool open air theatre watching the show I was there for. As the sun set and slowly faded into darkness, I knew that the night was the perfect night for me.

The show it self was magical. Personally, I don't think I have seen a better rendition of this show. (I don't know what that says about the interpretations I have seen) For the first time I actually saw just how each couple really fell and how it was possible for each to be enchanted so quickly. Most the times when I see this show, parts stand out and parts are lost. I really feel like most nails were hit directly on the head in this version. For the first time ever I saw a true character in Sebastian, who though he has a later appearance still needs to clearly fall and not just be whisked away by the allure of a strange new place. I don't think I can even begin to describe how impressed I was with Anne Hathaway's Viola, but I will save you from having to listen to me ramble on and on and on about the play. If this says anything though, I was so mystified with the show opening that I had tears in my eyes. It was the most interesting opening I have seen and I felt really set Orsino off on a different foot, when normally I find his character a little bratty.

I get flutters in my heart just thinking about it and, if I could see it every day I am not sure I would be bored with it. If this is what love feels like, I want to fall in love and never fall out again.

Flash Forward

2009-07-01T15:01:00.006-04:00

Until three days ago I had always considered flashback moments in TV sitcoms to be a mere space filler at those points in the season where they aren't quite ready to develop some new story, while in the midst of a big one. Just an episode with no real plot to take up time. As my world is about to change though, I realize that life is full of these moments. They often happen when reconnecting with old friends, on the brink of some big event, or when things come to an end.

My roommate an I spent an hour reminiscing over our first few weeks in the apartment. It was just me and her while our third moved in slowly over the month. We laughed about how we had a mattress act as our couch for a good 5 months before we finally got one, that mattress was great for when we just were too tired to make it to our own rooms. Smiled, when we thought about how we kinda camped for the first week, using disposable silverware and plates. Discussed how freeing it was before our 3rd came in, realized we didn't have a shower curtain up yet and said "uhhh, that's not cool." I honestly think everyone, at some point should try not having a shower curtain. We each rearranged our rooms at least a half dozen times, and yet we never decorated our living room. When we had a rat under the sink, until our super could patch up the hole, we thought it was a good idea to clear everything out from under the sink, leave out rat poison, and tape the doors shut. Like packing tape was going to keep a rat out.

Were we in a sitcom, each moment would be followed by a clip from that respective episode. Life would be shown not just told.

After a while it seems as if we can reduce life to living, making memories, and reminiscing about them. Sometimes we seem to get too caught up in our own world to really take time to acknowledge the memories we have made, and they become lost in the abyss of the world. Its not so much that we live in the past, or have to; its more looking back to a more innocent time and seeing how far we have some. Its like we cant grow with out them.

Every so often I go back to read old journals. Most are filled with trite about the woes of my many, many crushes or the trials of friends. The things we thought important at the time. Then I see old friends and remember the time differently.

Our memories make up our past, our past makes us who we are. All unique and beautiful in our own way. Moments help to define where our future will take us.

The real life flashback moments don't happen, as I suspected with TV, to fill up time or when we have nothing more to say to each other. They often take up time that we should be doing other things, but again get caught up in a moment. Instead, they occur at critical moments of change so that we can see where we once were, that we survived and that we are now ready to move on.

No matter how well you now get along, or don't get along, these times are shared and you will always have that. Until the end of time, my first two years in New York were spent living with Lauren and Anna, just as my time in Detroit had characters and every time before that. We might part, but for the time being we helped each other grow. Its never clear why people enter our lives or why they leave, we just have to live and know that once we have parted ways for their influence we will never quite be the same as we were before.

You Are What You Wear

2009-06-26T08:16:00.001-04:00

When it comes to t-shirt selection, there are 4 reasons I buy them:

Amazing fit
Versatility
Cuteness
Hilarity

Let me be more specific with number 4. If I find it funny, and I can pull it off, I will buy it even if it might get me joked. To tell you the truth, I will be the first person to joke me for it. Take my Zac Efron T-shirt. I bought it because I have a running joke with my friends that I have a Zac obsession, a Zac Attack if you will. Long story as to why it came about, but I decided to run with it because it was funny. It might have helped that I saw 17 Again opening weekend, it also may have helped when I put 10 photos and articles of him up on my cubicle wall, and when I have to announce every time Perez Hilton tweets about him. when my friend dared me to buy a T-shirt with his face monogrammed on it, I couldn't pass up the chance.

Crazy? Yes, a little. When I walk down the street am I the only one who gets it? Most likely. Do even my friends think I am odd? With out a doubt, but they still love me for it anyways.

Why do I do this?

Attention. I am a Leo after all. I do things advertently and inadvertently to bring attention to myself. Sometimes its not the kind I want and sometimes its awesome. I have come to terms with the fact that I am an attention seeker, whether I mean to be or not. Please, if I get carried away with myself, smack me around a little and I will come to my senses.
It's a great conversation starter. When you wear obscure things, people are generally interested in why you would wear such a thing, and if they are interested enough they will ask about it when the moment is right. I have this Punk Rock Care Bear shirt, for example, that my now former crush asked about. It was a complete conversation lengthener. Unfortunately he left the day after and after 2 or 3 months of me dropping the ball every chance I had, I could no longer even attempt to flirt.
It keeps me in constant amusement. As a result of other stunts like these, I have had multiple people tell me that its like I'm in on some joke that only I know. In my experience it either intrigues people or scares them away. The ones it has intrigued have come to be some of my closest friends.

Truthfully the art of T-shirt buying is fairly simple, if you like it, just feel comfortable wearing it.

*side note, I spilt coffee on my writing this morning and just watched the ink slowly bleed as the coffee soaked into the paper. Coffee stains on paper are a reminder that imperfection and fallibility are beautiful.*

Just a Thought

2009-06-24T17:58:00.001-04:00

I wonder if the unintentional lengthening of my posts is preventing people from reading and or posting responses to my writing.

Singin in the Rain and Sunday Afternoons

2009-06-24T16:40:00.003-04:00

An unusual occurrence for me, I wake up at 12:30pm on Saturday afternoon. It would seem more outlandish if I hadn’t gone to bed in the first place at 6am. The where, why and how of that is completely irrelevant, just know that it was a fun night that did not result in me being hung over, just very tired. I start to leisurely get up, and then I realize I have a package to pick up from the post office. So much for my leisurely Saturday.

I throw on jeans and a tee shirt. As I just have a 40 minute walk to the post office and a 40 minute walk back, I see no point in actually putting in the effort right now. The weather has been absurdly inconsistent recently and I find I have to prepare myself for anything. I leave and there is no rain, 5 minutes down the road it starts, and 10 minutes later its pouring. Thank God for planning ahead, and as my father always says: prior proper planning prevents piss poor performance. Or, in my case it prevents being soaked to the bone.

Despite the rain it was a nice walk, rather because of the rain it was a nice walk. I don’t mind walking in the rain, there is something oddly soothing about rainy days. Yes, I might be that kid who stomps in puddles every chance she can, from time to time still tries to soak her jeans to her knees through splashing. Rain after all is just weather, you can have just as much fun in the rain as you can in the sun. Part of this odd optimism about the rain is a result of the perpetual rain cloud we have been stuck under for the past couple weeks. Part is a general affinity for the rain.

I continue my walk; its funny watching all the people either surrendering to the rain or trying their hardest to fight it. My only fear in the rain is that I will have a Bridget Jones moment, you know the time where a car or bus cuts into a huge puddle as its turning and you get caught in the splash. That was not going to happen today, I was too carefree. If its going to happen, its going to be a big to do.

I pass a cute little coffee shop I might have to stop in on my way back, depending on the weather. It’s a bit curious how my mail gets routed through the post office in my area that is a 40 minute walk from my house, and not somewhere slightly closer. This thought is really not worth my time or energy, so I let it just drift away. What is almost more perplexing is how I don’t see a single person for the last 10 minutes of my walk. For a minute it seems as if I’m back on the desolate streets of Detroit.

Before I have more time to put into that thought, I arrive at my destination and find a line of people waiting for the exact same thing as me. Clearly I am not the only person unable to receive packages at home, I am only fortunate the package was USPS and not Fed Ex or UPS. This package my mother sent me has better have been worth the wait, and I need to get an apartment with a doorbell.

I get my package and set out again, though I feel like a slight idiot because according to the package slip I could have had the package redelivered and left at my place. The rain has ceased slightly, but doesn’t make it any easier to carry a package, and umbrella and a purse. Just as I reach the cute little cafe the rain picks up again and I take that as a sign to go inside. I order a coffee and a sandwich to tide me over as I wait for the down pour to subside.

This seems as good a moment as any to open the mysterious package. Inside I find 6 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, 8 melted Cadbury eggs and season 2 of the show Get Smart. You know what I was most excited for? Get Smart.

I really don’t know why my mother thinks I need 6 boxes of Girl Scout cookies (I appreciate the gesture and will probably share the wealth as I do not need 6 boxes of girl scout cookies). Get Smart however, one of the earlier loves of my life and I still can’t get enough of it. Had I a computer with me, I would have started watching.

As soon as the rain dies down a little, I set off home. I am eager to get home and clean my room as I can put in Get Smart whilst I do so. As we all know though, I have a short attention span and on my way home I am easily distracted by a shoe store. For the record though I have tried 8 different of these shoe stores to find my dream pair of Paten leather heels and they never have them in my size. They did! I bought them. Now I can successfully head home. What an afternoon to brighten up an otherwise dreary Saturday.

I get home and plan my adventure brunch adventure in Park Slope for the next day with LL.

The brunch adventure was something else entirely. I met up with Lauren at 11:15 (I was running late), and from Union Square we hopped on a train to Park Slope where we were going to try a new place for brunch. Of course with all the train dilemma's because of weekend construction, our train got stuck on the Manhattan Bridge. Go figure. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock. Fifteen minutes for them to play while we all waited. It was all good, because we were in no rush.

When we got there we walked from the train to our new little spot. Don't ask me the name, I have already forgotten it, but it was really cute and organic and unlimited drinks with our meal. I seriously think that may have been the best brunch I have had in a while.

Post brunch LL and I wandered the street fair that ran the course of 7th ave. Fantastic little stretch and I we both decided park slope was too cute for its own good. Perhaps its a place to just pick up and run away to, like OZ or Neverland or Wonderland... tho those characters didn't really run to those places. In any case, Park Slope is cute enough to consider a move... at some point.

Down in the Underground, a Land Serene, a Crystal Moon

2009-06-22T07:55:00.003-04:00

This was a few weeks ago now, but when my friend told me about her friend's underground art show, I couldn't turn it down. First of all, when I say underground, I mean underground. The art show was to be held in the abandoned subway tunnel in Brooklyn. How on earth could I imagine turning down an opportunity to spend a Saturday afternoon underground in an old subway tunnel.

The day started of slowly. Emily and I had gone to a friends party and then to get food. We were out until like 3 or 4; we were a little tired. I arranged to meet her around 1pm which should give us plenty of time to get there, see the show and play underground. Our plans never go that way though.

I get there at 1pm and of course we sit around for an hour, watching house I believe. We finally leisurely leave, stop for a breakfast sandwich on the way out and then hop on the F Train to Brooklyn. The only problem was that the F train wasn't running that weekend. We mistakenly hopped on to the A train that happened to be running on the F line, and didn't realize it until we were in Brooklyn and it was too late to turn back.

We hop off at a station where we can hopefully just swap back to the Manhattan bound tracks, because the A train was taking us away from where we really needed to go. This plan would have worked if the A train in Brooklyn was being screwy as well. Really, I don't see why they have to completely screw with the train lines when they want to do construction. People are going to get confused when the A train is running on the F line, the 4 train on the 2 3 line, the N on the B line and the F train not even running. I might be exaggerating some, but there are often times multiple weekend changes, that don't make sense and don't remain consistent from weekend to weekend. How are we supposed to keep anything straight?

So anyways, Em and I end up hopping off there and walking up 3 blocks to a street I know has a G stop a few blocks up. Providing the G line is running properly all will be well because the G and the F share a line after a certain point.

The whole train adventure took about an hour and a half, so we were arriving at the show at 4pm. At least we made it with an hour to go. Now it was just a matter of finding the place. We were told to meet outside the Trader Joes. My guess it would be that line in the middle of the street waiting to go down through a manhole cover.

How cool is that? We climbed down a man hole cover to get into the art show. While we were standing in line, I asked Emily which ninja turtle she wanted to be. She said Donatello, I said Michelangelo.

We enter and make our way through the tunnel, following the light. It was advised we bring a flashlight, we forgot ours. Alas. Surprisingly I am much more adept at walking in the dark underground than I am in daylight were I can see everything clearly. I felt like I was about to enter some alternate underground world, like in Labyrinth or Neverware or Wonderland. What magic and mystery was about us? Everyone was carefree, eclectic, underworldly and quite tipsy already.

The show itself was wicked awesome. The paintings were all based around the idea of rats. Being in the underground, I think that's a pretty clever theme. We peruse a bit, drink wine, and chat with fellow spectators. The scene is interesting and Em and I can't help but chat with others who were attracted to such an event.

Eventually the show draws to a close, and then we leave. Climb back through the man hole, and back to the real world. I suppose this is a better end than most of the alternate underground worlds, you don't often have the choice to leave as we did. Maybe though, just maybe this leaves room for more adventure.

2009-06-15T00:14:00.003-04:00

I am repeatedly amused by the guy in the subway who plays Beatles songs in the subway between 6th and 7th avenues. He is so enthusiastic and showy that it makes me smile every time I hear him play.

Cigars and Circus People

2009-06-12T09:06:00.004-04:00

On my way back from set yesterday I happened to sit down next to two young travelers. As soon as I sit down they say hi and ask if I'm from Boston. I promptly say no. They further ask why then I am wearing a Boston cap. I explain I am a Sox fan and that they are playing the Yankees tonight. They were quite interesting kids, but I can't imagine they were more that 17 years old. It frightens me that they are out traveling on their own like that, but at the same time It's a unique adventure.

The two proceed to tell me that they were in Cuba on a Church Mission trip, I was hard pressed to believe them until they mentioned they were kicked off because they smoked a cigarette (my guess is that it was actually pot). Huh, well that explains everything.

Prior to my getting on the train, they had been talking to a couple Turkish tourists. The tourists seemed quite relieved when they stopped bothering them and started talking to me. The thing with me is I think its fun to talk to everyone, and yet I can't talk to my crush.

Anyways Mike and Doug, for lack of their actual names, had spent the day at the airport selling cheep Cuban cigars and cigarettes to travelers after they missed two potential flights back to Chicago. Doug even sold his little IPOD nano, that he smugly told me he got for free so it didn't really matter. They were then on their way to a friend's in Jersey to spend the night with before they tried to fly out again the next day.

They talked a lot of crap, asking me questions, talking about menial things. Both confuddled that I don't watch that much TV, that my normal work day is 12 hours, that I still live with roommates though I'm 25 (well almost), that I can live on next to nothing if I needed to, that I lived in Detroit. Yet, when I asked them about what they were doing in Cuba, they said working at an orphanage with the kids was fun... but having done work like that fun can hardly describe the work.

Mike and Doug seemed the typical, sheltered, suburban teens. They think the world is theirs, which it is to a point but they are too naive to appreciate what the world truly is or can offer. The rich brats that can't really yet see beyond their parents bank account. I know, I was there once. I completely spoiled my trips to Korea when my dad was stationed there because my world didn't and couldn't at the time extend beyond Virginia Beach and my circle of friends. I honestly think it took until my sophomore year of college until it all began to click for me.

We all go through these stages of naivety, some longer than others and some have to realize what the world is far to quickly. It doesn't make us any more or less of a person, it just ties into how we see the world. I mean, don't let my younger brother hear this, but I honestly think he is still in that little bubble and will be for a while.

I think I talked to these kids so long because I was there, I knew what it was like to be so consumed by my own life and my own thoughts of how things worked as I was growing up that I can't see beyond the foolish thoughts I once held. All you can do is watch, laugh, talk, share and hope that one day everything falls into place for them.

Thoughts for the Road

2009-06-12T08:33:00.006-04:00

Quite the quintessential new york writer scenario at the moment. Prior to work I get up early, go get coffee and write until I have to leave to get to work on time. Its raining outside and I position myself in a table far enough away from the door that I don't get the draft from the rainy dreary day outside, but close enough that I can still watch the passers by as look up from my computer. The dreary weather the past couple weeks has made my writers mentality something like that of the main character in Wonder Boys: uninspired and clouded. Its not that I don't want to write but either too many thoughts are swarming my head or not enough, so I sit patiently and write whatever happens to come from my finger tips.

I hope you enjoyed this little excerpt from my head, these are the types of thoughts that my friends often find me vocalizing at work. They are, however, less detailed and even more random. In my office I have become known for speaking in non sequiturs, all the time. I have considered writing down all the man y random thoughts that run through my head each day and blogging about each one; but to tell you the truth, you don't really want to read half of them. By random I mean that to the onlooker my thoughts are unprovoked and with out any pattern or reason. Truthfully they aren't as random as my friends may think and then I have to explain myself.

For example: the other day I randomly say I don't know why I even bother wearing a watch most days. My friends look at me and one says something to the effect of see maura, this is what I mean when I say the most random things come from your mouth. I then have to swear that it wasn't as random as it may seem and that it was provoked by the fact that 5 minutes prior I had deliberately taken my watch off my wrist, then just then I wondered what time it was so I look at my wrist only to find that my watch was not there. They look at me unconvinced. I lose my battle.

So, maybe my thoughts are a little random. So maybe when people ask questions I answer in non sequiturs. I am an extroverted person; if there are people around I, with out meaning to, share my thoughts. Not all of them of course, but quite a few. The funny thing about this is that the occasional day that passes where thoughts just stay in my head, my friends all ask me what wrong. I'm not positive what they mean and slowly I realize that I have become that person, its my thing and they love me for it. As long as my thoughts aren't too random, I am sure they will continue to love me for it.

I suppose I am like a child in that sense: saying whatever may come to mind and questioning all that I can question, not for any other reason than to better understand the world around me. Quite often I am so lost in thought that I can't vocalize remarks as they come to me, well part of that is a slight bout of shyness. For the past week I have been meaning to ask this guy at work what he sings when he sings to himself, but when I find myself in that moment when I catch him I never actually remember or think to do so. The one day I do remember, my boss has to call me, I answer "what'd I do?" He laughs

For that matter one of my friends is frustrated with the fact that I can tell adventures in every little detail, but when I have a conversation with someone I can't recall all we talked about. I always remember eventually, just not not right away. Some people think that I don't actually listen to people when I talk, and some would believe I don't process information until after I say it where most process it before. Its like I have to process it, or give it time to click in my head to be able to recall, or like something about the conversation really strikes me as interesting and so I focus on that and am unable to recall much else. Not really sure how my mind works, almost 25 years living with it and yet I am still amused that one of my first memories is of watching shooting stars in the parking lot of my brothers high school when I was 3 years old.

My roommate says that all of us, to some extent need shrinks. I disagree, I think everyone just needs an outlet. An outlet for their thought, feelings and anything they need to get out. Shrinks are kind of just there to help you better understand why you are thinking, feeling and acting the way you do. Why do we need to understand? Maybe its not so much that we need to understand where or why or how these things work, maybe its that we are who we are, each as unique and different as our individual finger tips. As humans I am sure we have some innate desire to understand fully the way everything works in the world around us. I do, to a point. I want to understand everything in terms of how I see things first and then how the world sees them, but that doesn't mean I think there is an answer to everything. I think it is foolish to think that such a thing is possible. If we focus too much on the wheres, the why's and hows we start to miss out on the right now.

Who Do They Think They Are?

2009-06-04T07:51:00.001-04:00

So I’m going for my usual run along the Westside highway. I decided to head down town so I could run along the water as the sun was setting. With the Marathon only 3 months away, I am pushing myself harder and harder in my training.

The remains of last week’s allergy problems linger so I can only push myself so much. I run for a mile, push myself for five more minutes and allow myself to walk a little. Allowing myself to get lost in my music, I hardly notice the world around.

A young man stops me, he is foreign, asks me to take a picture of him. At first I thought he was asking for directions, and I, being the good Samaritan I am, stop to see what I can do to help. I realize he wants me to take a picture and I agree. One picture won’t kill my run, I am in walk lap anyways.

He poses, I take the picture. He says it didn’t go off and to take another. Again we go, He says again that I’m not doing it right. I roll my eyes, I know how to use a camera. His flash setting was on automatic and it was too bright to really use. Its not my fault his dark complexion turns him into a mere silhouette in the photo.

Finally he is satisfied with his picture and I can get back to my breathing exercises while am on walk mode. But no, the audacious male tries to chat me up. “You have beautiful eyes, do you live in the area?”

I didn’t hang around to see where the conversation could have gone, I politely said I’m glad I could help but I have to get back to my run. Instead of walking, I ran for another mile. Probably more as I am pretty sure my pace quickened.

Why is it that I always seem to get these guys that try to hit on me at odd times, and in odd places? Its one thing to randomly meet people in unexpected situations, but stopping someone in the middle of their work out to take a picture? Interrupting someone while they are reading in a coffee shop? Disturbing focus in writing? Holding someone up when they are on their way somewhere? (Yes, all of these situations have happened to me)

Some would say I am closed off. Really I am not. I am all for the random meetings, but if your’e actually paying attention to me you would be able to read my signals. If I have time, am intrigued, am interested, or just struck by you I will keep the conversation going. I will not be abrupt my responses. I will not ignore you. I will not make up some false story as to why I can’t go out with you right then. No matter who you are, if I am not interested, telling me I’m beautiful 10 times in the first 5 minutes we talk will get you no where.

In these situations, sadly, its 10 times easier to give the guy a false number (or real number if he insists on calling right then so I have his, then labeling it as DO NOT ANSWER). And no guys, if you are actually fortunate enough to have weaseled my real number out of me, calling me on 3 different numbers to make sure I answer at least one of them will not make you look any cooler in my eyes.

I often wonder where these guys get their nerve. Not that it’s a bad thing to talk to people randomly, but it’s always the same type of guy. Same with the random guys that decide to cat call or comment on the street. I appreciate your appreciation in the female aesthetic, but really, what do you think it will accomplish? I don’t know about other girls, but the way it is carried out most the time makes me feel uncomfortable and I want to wrap what ever piece of clothing around me and close myself off. I’m not sure what that says about me, but there you go.

For me, its odd having strange guys I had a 5minute conversation call me incessantly starting the night we meet. Not cool. Like I said, I am all for meeting new people. Just take it down an notch or 12.

Home is Where the...

2009-06-03T15:29:00.005-04:00

I have tried to make it a weekly routine to pick one or two mornings out of the week, get out early to sit and write in one of my neighborhood coffee shops. My favorite is variety as they are open as of 7am, generally. This morning they happened to still be closed, and that made me sad. How hard is it to find a suitable coffee shop that consistently opens at 7am so that I, on my way to my way to work, can stop and write for a while? Apparently its harder than I thought because up until 10 months ago there wasn’t even a coffee shop in my neighborhood in Brooklyn that fell into this category.

This is just one stipulation I am going to have to place on my new and theoretical neighborhood to which I plan to move. Its odd, for me at least, to really put so much time into the idea of moving. Until now, moving had been a yearly thing for me, the Navy brat at heart with a bit of a nomadic nature. Since I graduated high school, I have not lived in the same place for two years running and it has always suited me just fine.

Unlike many of my friends in the city, I moved to the city and settled. Me, Maura Trail, settling? How is that possible when I am the girl that can’t sit still for 10 minutes, let alone two years? I suppose in a way its just easier. For two years it has been nice, comforting that there is at least one constant in my life. When friends, family, work, relationships, interests and activities are so sporadic, I guess somewhere in my head it made sense to settle myself in one way.

I must have become too use to the inconsistency in my life, because I am now beginning to get that itch to move around. I don’t so much want to change cities, I love it here and no matter how long I stay there is always something new to see, some new adventure to be had.

No, what I want is a change of scenery, a change of pace. I need a new environment, quite possibly in a new neighborhood, with new roommates. For the past three years I have been fine with roommates that were just over the friend line, but I miss the camaraderie my roommates and I shared in College. Is it to much to ask to actually want to live with the people you are living with? Not really, but New York makes it difficult when my friends and I all start leases at different times.

As I start thinking about it, what better time to try and move though. Right now it’s a buyer’s/renters market. If there were ever a time for me to try to move to Manhattan, now would be it. If there were ever a time to find a really, nice bargain of a place in Brooklyn, now would be it. With the epicenter of the city spreading outward, Brooklyn is becoming the new Manhattan, and it’s the only place in the city I have ever lived.

Do I want the option of living alone? Hell no. I am a social creature, I want roommates. I want to be able to have the option of being social or not being social. Where as when I live alone, I don’t necessarily have that option.

I am a nomadic creature, I have an innate desire to move around. No, before you ask, I know many of you might think I'm running from something. Really, I'm not. I merely have a desire to do as much as I can before I settle down. I know I am going to settle, I know I am going to eventually stay put. I feel like that's something I've always known.

So, what’s it going to be? Will I move in with friends, or will I play the random game from craig’slist? Will I move to Manhattan or Brooklyn? No matter what happens, no matter where I end up moving, I want where I live to have character, like it has some story to tell. When I was planning on moving back to London (which I am still), I said I wanted to live in the east end. Though it’s a little run down, it has character and I have never been more awestruck by a neighborhood than I was then.

Tune in more for updates on the wonderful adventures of Maura in looking for new places in New York. No matter what happens from here out, I know it will be an interesting investigation into the available places in the city.

Written in the Stars

2009-05-28T08:34:00.002-04:00

Do you ever wonder where you might be if you chose a different path? If the tiniest detail in your existence were changed? Would you still be where you are today? Or, would those changes be enough to throw the world we know into a black hole and result in some alternate existence? Are we fated to still accomplish the same things in life no matter our history?

I began pondering this idea again after seeing the new Star Trek movie, truthfully though its a constant thought in my head. The movie proposes, much like the Butterfly Effect, that changing something in the past can spin the the rest of existence into an alternate reality. Can that alternate reality actually exist? Will one change really cause that much of a disturbance in the fabric of time? Will it completely change our fate?

What if it doesn't actually change anything but the minor details? I have always been a firm believer in the idea of fate and free will working together. I think that though we may have certain destinies we need to fulfill, the way in which we reach that destiny is entirely up to us. Star Trek puts forth a similar happenstance, though the pasts of the characters were eternally altered, they still ultimately achieved their destiny. Similarly in the Butterfly Effect, the main character ultimately determined that the only way everyone else would be able to achieve their personal destinies was if he did not exist.

I may not be making myself clear, and certain friends might be able to pick their way through my theories, but what if all the choices we make are ultimately leading us to our destiny. This would eliminate some aspects of free will, rather our destiny is set where our path is not. We live in a world where many paths lay before us. Perhaps in the way that in ancient times all roads led to Rome, perhaps all the choices we make will ultimately lead us to where we need to be. Perhaps the circumstances and obstacles placed in our way are a result of previous choices made, and exist to help us in some way reach out goal.

It's not taking away free will per se, its just saying that we all have some innate and unconscious destiny we are working to reach. If we are unconsciously working toward something, how do we know if we have free will? If we are choosing to do things, based on some innate desire we have to achieve this unconscious destiny, is it really the lack of free will when we still have all the same choices available to us?

To throw out a curve ball as I close: If our personality is innate, and we make choices by what comes natural to us, and we are innately working towards some destiny, how do we then define free will?

2009-05-23T15:19:00.003-04:00

Two months ago was the last time I ate meat. Seriously. It started unconsciously, I wanted to get into shape and was thus eating more tofu and alternative forms of protein. Two weeks into it I realized what was happening and decided to see how long I could last. I decided to consciously weed meat out of my diet, fish not included.

Now two months in, I feel great. I have never before felt lighter and more energized. My body is no longer bogged down by the heaviness I often felt when meat was a regular part of my diet. In turn I have also tried to weed out unnecessary calories like excessive bread, too many sweets, etc. My new regime is not to try and lose weight. I am 5'1", 125lbs (last I weighed myself). I have no health need to lose weight, so I'm not trying to. I am not denying my body of these options, if I find myself craving something I have tried to weed out, I indulge a little. If I'm craving it, there is apparently something in my diet that is lacking. When I walk to the kitchen at work, I often choose a piece of fruit to accompany my mid-morning cookie, sometimes I only choose fruit.

To anyone who knows me, this is a stretch of the imagination. What happened to the Maura who loved her burgers and fries, who couldn't say no to a cookie or piece of cake, who could sit and eat a sleeve of girl scout cookies in one sitting, who used to indulge in a soda from time to time, who loved her pasta dishes?

Believe me she is still here. I still love all these things, but not in the way I used to. If i ate pasta every day, I'd be very sleepy. If I ate more than one or two cookies a day, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. If I eat food that's too greasy, my body wants to rebel. Me who has never objected to a good burger place, only yesterday opted against 5 Guys for a healthier sandwich place.

The one thing that dabbling in vegetarianism has done for me is made me very aware of the foods I put into my body. Yes, I still love french fries, sweets and all those other foods that are terrible for us. The thing is, I have to be very sure that by taking one thing out of my diet, I compensate for those nutrients in other ways. As I am running and working out almost every day, I need to make sure my body is capable of doing so.

For the first time ever, my body and I are on a great streak for communication. It tells me what it needs (more sleep, more iron, more water, less of anything etc...) and I make sure it gets it. In return, it makes sure I am capable of pulling the hours I know I can pull. When I am at my best, I wake up at 5am, do yoga, shower, leave the apt, write for an hour, go to work, get off after a 12hr shift, run for an hour, go home, journal, sleep and repeat. Insert social time, movies and TV when necessary.

How do I do it all? I donno, sheer determination I guess. It just goes to show you that even when you have hours as long as I have at work, if you want it enough you have all the time in the world.

As for my new lifestyle choice as a vegetarian, do I think it will stick? For a while yes, I think it will stick. There will come a day down the road where I will break down for a really nice steak or burger (and it will be nothing shy of the best). Until then though I am going to continue this regime for me, if for nothing else than to do something really good for my body for once.

Since January 1st of this year, I have been making a lot of life style choices that involve me committing to a certain routine, a new way of life. All is for the better, but I am committing myself to living in a way I never dreamed possible. It could all be temporary, but I am determined to get the most out of my time here, as much as I can out of every day. I am determined to try new things, broaden my horizons and allow myself to be forever changed by it.

When I say I am vegetarian, I am not closing myself off to eating meat ever again; I am opening my mind to a new way of living, eating and taking care of myself. These decisions help me take an active role in living a healthier, fuller life in the midst of a society that often doesn't have the time to think in such terms.

Passed Down Through Words

2009-05-19T07:57:00.008-04:00

So maybe I'm not the best storyteller. My friends say I put in way too much detail, and where they heart me for it there are always details I could easily leave out. They often say to me "get to the point," long before I am actually done. Why do I continue to do so when I know my friends stop listening half way through?

Partially, and I won't lie, I like listening to my self speak. Alternatively, the details are what's important to me. The end of the story really doesn't matter. If they did, my weekend stories would often play out something like this:

Friday I met up with some friends for drinks, we went to one of my friends parties, grabbed a late night snack and went home.
Saturday I woke up, ran, did some errands, met up with a friend to go to an art show and hung out the rest of the day.
Sunday I woke up, ran, dabbled around my room until it was late enough to call my friends, went to a movie, and hung out.

So, that might be a little extreme in my description, but at the same time when you leave detail out it reduces any adventure to mere structure. Its not the skin and bones that really interests me, its the journey of how I got from point A to point B, and stopping at Q, Z, H, P and M on the way. In many ways, no its not logical, and it sometimes prevents me from getting straight to the point when I actually need to.

When it comes down to it, I don't care that I went from my personal errands to an art show. I care about the minor adventure we had getting lost on the subway on the way there. I don't care that I went to a movie. I care that my friend and I missed the showing we wanted to see, bought tickets for the later show and then went to Virgin Mega Store where I bought a funny teeshirt.

Crazy, yes. The in between details are what makes the journey interesting. So many things happen to me unexpectedly that I tend to focus and attach myself to those moments rather than the things I had planned to do. So the main point of my day may have been to go to the movies, but I can do that every day. I like focusing on the parts of my adventures that make my day unique.

Though we might get into the same old routine, its the way you look at life that makes it interesting. I never just "wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep." If I did, my life would be hella boring. Instead my day might go "wake up, do yoga, shower, choose my daily costume, write for an hour before work, go to work, flirt with cute boys in the office, joke with my coworkers, take lunch orders from hell, grab my afternoon cup of coffee, be shocked by my Boss's occasional random and hysterical comments, go for an evening run, push myself too hard, take a walk to the subway station I usually transfer at, read on the train on the way home, get home, talk to roomies, journal, watch tv and go to bed."

No one actually cares about everything I did there, but what's more interesting? Mine or the skin and bones? Not to be full of myself, but mine.

Life itself, if we just go through the motions is reduced to skin and bones. We start to forget how to look for the more interesting parts, to look for the little things that will make us fall in love with our world every single day. Part of the problem is that we live in a very formulaic, product driven world. We want results and often over look the steps it took to get there. We pretend like we really understand how we got that result, and everything turns into something less that what it could be. If it doesn't produce results, we don't care and we move on with out giving second thought to what went wrong. Perhaps I think too much.

Maybe that's this world's problem. We get stuck in a routine, life starts to bog us down, everything becomes mediocre, and then we end up settling on something less than our own desires because that is all we know anymore.

Is this any way to live?

It is, perhaps, time for us to stop getting to the point and adding a little detail back in to our stories.

Running in Slow Motion

2009-05-07T23:00:00.005-04:00

It's peculiar, the reasons we start projects for ourselves. Our motivation, our drive, our desire is spurred from the most interesting thoughts and for that we are never the same. A little less than two months ago I decided I was going to run a half marathon, having never attempted to run any kind of race before in my life. A month in a half into training and I am still asking myself "What was I thinking?"

Don't get me wrong, training is going very well. After hardly being able to stand running a minute without walking when I first started again this year, I am up to 2o minutes solid. For me that is amazing because even last year when I ran pretty consistently, I could only run a mile at my best.

My runs are getting longer and longer, I feel like I could go on forever most days and never stop. Of course I have to, but after a year and some change of trying to find a proper breathing method for me its nice to have reached a point where I don't want to stop.

What can I say, I have decided to go the distance. Truth be told, I have never felt more alive in my life. I love that I am actually working toward something, something I never thought I would be able to do. For the first time in a while I feel I am actually working for me and only me. For that I feel amazing.

Its not often that I find something I want to commit to for so long. To be quite honest I am the one who has a million projects started at once because I can't commit to just one. Its not that I don't want to, I just have so much I want to do that I don't want to leave anything out.

I am diligent and determined with my training. This is the first time I can remember where I have been completely devoted to a training for myself and no one but myself, normally I have to have other people involved. If I can really commit myself to 6 months of training, I think I will have proven to myself that I can commit to anything once I put my mind to it.

I joke myself about not being able to commit, whether its to a secure job, to a boyfriend, to choosing clothes in the AM, to making dinner choices. I hate committing to anything because it rules out possibilities.

The problem with too many possibilities is that it never allows you to focus. If my training has taught me one thing, its that once you are really able to focus time slows down and you become able to see what it is you're striving for. It's like for those moments, time slows down and you have all the time in the world again.

A New Way to Be Human

2009-04-21T09:27:00.005-04:00

Sunday at my brother's Goddaughter's Baptism, he made an interesting comment. He said that (his best friend's wife) had started the process of humanizing his best friend and (his daughter) completed it.

I feel like life, after a time, hardens you. In many ways we lose touch with the things that really make us human, we become desensitized and forget what it is to really feel. When I first moved to Detroit the first thing they told us was to give to organizations, not people. We were to not fall for sob stories from those we worked with. The only way we could ever do good was to detach ourselves.

This mindset followed me through to New York. I had to desensitize myself to the world around me in effort to connect on a different level. The question was, what level was I trying to connect on. I was no longer working in the public service sector, I wasn't being altruistic, I was merely working for myself and for my own causes. This has been a constant debate in my head since then.

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel connected to my world again. I feel like I am part of something grander, like something is constantly moving me forward. This is the first time that my heart is in the game in a long while. I don't know if its the philosophy books I'm reading, the spiritual discussions I have been having, the existential nature of the stories I read

Alas, recently a friend walks into the room and asks rhetorically, "do you ever feel like you want something more in your life? I mean, like beyond just money, not religion just something spiritual."

My answer: "Yes, all the time, but the difference between you and me is that I actually care to try and make it happen. You need to do more than say you're going to do something, you need conviction." I didn't actually say that to her, that would have been mean. Words with out action are meaningless. Therefore this friend is meaningless.

When everything she does, everything she says, every way she acts indicates that she is still the same person concerned merely with money and never having enough, how am I supposed to think she actually wants to change?

I have never been particularly interested in money, as long as I have enough to pay rent and bills each month, I am happy. Really, though its only been recently that I could recognize just how realistic I have lived my time here in NYC. Only now can I see that I actually live my life in a way to connect as much as possible. Some where along the way I guess I found my own way to reconnect with the world I became so detached from.

Mass Chaos and All Things Religious

2009-04-19T11:37:00.005-04:00

This rambling is a week out, but still I feel it needs to be said.

Last week was Easter, and though I am on a spiritual journey at the moment I grew up Catholic and thus desire to pay reverence at certain points of the year. I mean Easter is the crux of the Christian religion, how could it not be important to attend. I have not reduced myself to an Easter/Christmas Catholic, I don't think I ever could. Right now I have just been doing a lot of critical thinking about my faith and what I truly believe, hence I have been turning my head with Philosophy books and Anthropology articles trying to get to the root of it all. I have not reached that yet, and I'm not sure I ever will.

In any case, I attended mass with my brother and sister-in-law. Per her tradition we went to St. Patrick's Cathedral. I thought, okay this could be a cool thing. We got there an hour before mass. There was a line all the way around the church even an hour out. I have never seen such enthusiasm, everyone comes out of the wood works.

As soon as we got inside things started to go down hill. The noon mass was 15 minutes delayed because the 10:30 mass ran over, understandable as the bishop was giving that service. As a result of the delay the priest opted to not do the traditional blessings, to cut the homily into a cliff notes version and essentially rush through the mass in 45 minutes.

Really, it was an impressive feat as there were, I donno, a thousand people there. Still, I can't help but wonder where we as believers draw the line. What is the point of all the show, if in significant moments, you're going to let it fall by the wayside? Why do we do it all? When did Easter and Christmas become a plug and chug procedure?

side note: Plug and Chug- V. a devalued following of procedure to reach an end result. a term my physics teacher in high school used to describe the procedure we would follow once we programmed formulas into our calculator. We no longer needed to really understand the method or process, simply plug in the numbers and hit =

You would think that one of the greatest Cathedrals in the country would have something more meaningful to say, would make a larger effort to pretend to actually care about getting the point across. Really all I saw was the church trying to get its religiosity out to as many people as humanly possible. Plug and chug.

I suppose in a way its going back to the roots of the liturgical year, after all Easter was placed at the time of year it was to directly coincide with the Pagan Celebration of spring, Ostara. Its particularly interesting to notice just how many Ostara traditions we actually take from the Pagans while recognizing Easter.

I can't merely go through the motions of religion, I can't merely go through motions of life. The things I do need to have meaning and the moment anything becomes autopilot is when I need to reassess my priorities. What happens when its not me, but the institution that is on autopilot?

Saving the World Before Bedtime

2009-04-15T00:07:00.006-04:00

So maybe I have stolen this tag line from the Power Puff Girls, but when you do as much as I seem to be able to do you begin to wonder if super powers merely belong to those "super heros." Maybe there is more to this super hero thing. You don't have to be all powerful to accomplish everything, you just have to have drive.

Recently, on a normal day I wake up at 6, run, get ready for work, work a 10 hour day, and find time to read, write, hang out with friends, do a second shorter work out, think. Said tasks are sometimes substituted for more writing, art projects, watching television or movies, listening to music, talking on the phone, attending networking events, watching baseball, attending to other hobbies etc...

At the time nothing I do ever seems terribly significant or like it will amount to anything what so ever. When I look back on it I am often floored by the amount I do. I have actually stopped allowing myself to talk about all I do. Friends have stopped believing me.

I like being able to cover so much ground and I like having the energy to do it all. While I can, I might as well live.

You want to know my secret? I really haven't one. I don't know how I do it. All I know is that i don't ever let myself think I can't do it and I don't let the world get ahead of me. If I were to start thinking the time wasn't there, then it wouldn't be and I would merely be a couch potato watching reruns of Family Guy every night. Time exists as it does to us for us to mold and manipulate it into what we need. The only way we will ever be able to make it is to make the most of what we have and make it worth every single penny.

As far as letting the world get ahead of me, well you see that's why I am always thinking ahead. I always know whats next for me, that way if something comes up I can adjust my route accordingly . Nothing is ever set in stone until it has happened, and even then it's sometimes negotiable. If you stay on top of your game, you will notice that there is plenty of room to allow you to do what ever you wish; that is as long as you are able to see what's there.

Religiosity

2009-04-05T22:40:00.003-04:00

Can religion exist with out man? No, I honestly do not think it can. The superior being we have come to know as God, yes; but, religion I think is directly related to man's ability to think.

By definition Religion is a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs. More specifically it is something one believes in and follows devotedly.

I believe, though, that Religion originated directly from our (man's) need to place meaning to things beyond our realm of understanding. Thus, with out man's ability to think there would be no concept of Religion.

Now I do not believe that man is the only being that posses the ability to think, but I do believe man has specific cognitive thought that enables us to conceptualize the past, present, future as well as the wheres, the whys and hows of the universe. Other beings, are able to think but on a different level and seem to remain in their present, it is more instinctual and naturalistic as opposed to really processing information in the same way as man. Man's ability to think, reason and feel is one of the great gifts from God, and also enables us to maintain our free will.

However, prior to man's existence the concept of Religion was an unnecessary concept. With out the ability to think or reason, there is no doubt, no questioning and thus no need for a belief structure to explain anything beyond the realm of understanding. If we could not think and reason in the way we do, we would just be as other beings.

I honestly think, believe religion is a direct product of needing to understand god and to give reason for that which man at the time had no reason or understanding. Often I find myself pondering the concept of religion v. spirituality and where faith fits in to all of this. I have settled on no one answer as of yet. For that matter I also wonder if one needs to identify with a specific religion to live a spiritual and faith filled life, or if religion has been maintained so structurally not only to explain what we cannot understand but also out of a need to identify.

Berserk

2009-03-27T16:31:00.004-04:00

Though its quite possibly due to the fact that I have been mostly out of work for the past two months, I find myself being slightly aggravated by little things more and more. I like to call them Buzzerks, mostly because they remind me of little buzzings that drive me beserk.

Two newly recognized Buzzerks

1. People listening to their I Pods so that everyone on the train can hear them. I don't know if its the head phones or the listener, but every time I ride the train or even walk down the street, I find myself overwhelmed with everyone else's music so much so that I can't think straight. What makes you think I want to listen to your music? I appreciate your attempt to broaden my musical horizon; but when I am trying to read on the train and can't concentrate because of your music, you know its time to turn it down.

2. There aren't many all knowing authorities on all subjects, so I get a little irritated the moment someone decides to talk to me like they are. Now, I'm not claiming to be an authority on anything and I will be the first to admit if I am wrong, but because of my broad interests I know a little about a lot of things. Last week I made a comment pertaining to something that happened in some show I was watching, something (despite how far fetched it seemed) I knew to be fact as it was an issue discussed in a biological anthropology class. The person who was watching with me argued back. I don't mind debates, in fact I rather enjoy them as they force me to critically think about what I say. The thing that pissed me off was the fact that she called my bluff and demanded I produce sources. Why, when you speak as if you know everything but actually don't, do you demand me to produce sources. You don't even know what you're talking about. I don't normally retaliate, but as my boss was an hour late the next morning I tried to find the scholarly articles I read in college. I didn't find those resources, but I did find other valid sites to back up my argument.

I know in real debates you need to produce support, but in simple conversation to call someone out and demand back up when you don't really don't know what you're talking about is just plain rude.

I am sure there will be more to come, but for the time being I am over and out.

Anxiety

2009-03-25T14:53:00.002-04:00

As I look at the pile of chocolate wrappers sitting on my desk, I wonder where my will power has gone. There was a brief time where I could resist the temptations of the chocolatey goodness that are minis.

Then again, perhaps I am horribly mistaken. Maybe I had no will power at all. Perhaps I was simply not hungry.

A Variety of Experiences

2009-03-10T12:48:00.003-04:00

Not that any one remotely cares who reads this blog, and not that I have a following of anyone in my area; but, I thought I would throw in my two cents anyways.

So, because one of my lovely roommates left the gas for our stove on (could have been me, but I'm 99.9% sure it wasn't), I made an effort to get out of my apartment and see the sights in Williamsburg for a change. I mean there is only so much of being a homebody I can do, I am starting to go crazy and get cabin fever.

Basically the gas was a godsend.

Anyways, the point of this post is that I found a mega cute coffee shop, with free Internet and quite possibly the best Latte I have had in New York City. I know that's a huge, huge accusation to make, but I believe it to be the best latte I have had in quite a while.

This wonderful little cafe is Variety on Graham Ave, just north of the Graham L Stop. Yes, I realize I am supposed to be cutting back on my coffee intake, but I am down to one cup of coffee a day. I think I am doing well.

Variety has a nice homey feel to it. To be quite honest, it reminds me of something I would find in my college town, a little country. What did you really expect? It is Williamsburg, after all, that I live in. This place, though, seems to have taken extra care in the aesthetic of the whole place, unlike some little hole in the wall coffee places. From the white paneling to the cool colored wall paper, to the silver plated ceiling, the whole place feels light and full of energy. A perfect place to sit, relax, have a cup of coffee and let the creative juices flow.

The Klutz Extrodinare

2009-03-05T20:34:00.003-05:00

I am the queen of botching things up. I am a klutz, what can I say? You've already seen many forms of my klutzy tendencies. By now you really shouldn't expect anything less.

What did I botch up this time? You remember that guy my friends wanted to set me up with? Yeah, that. Here's how it happened:

So after our trivia night Wendy sent an email to the guy she wanted to set me up with. He seemed to take the bait, and she asked me how she should handle this. Stupidly I said group as opposed to just giving him my number. Clearly I wasn't thinking because if I were, then I would have realized that I am always quiet and come off stand offish if you meet me that way.

I mean we were supposed to have a larger group, but ultimately we ended with Wendy, Emily, Amy, the guy and myself. The three people who knew about the set up, and then me and the guy. This situation screams awkward... and why didn't I run?

I arrive and Wendy is already there, so is he. Go figure. Because of how they were already seated, I sat across from him. This would make it difficult later to have any kind of personal conversation with him. And, to top it off I'm not drinking so I can't even drink away the awkwardness. As a result, I started a dialogue with Wendy instead of him. It did become a discussion, but I still talked more to Wendy that to him. I know, I know I wasn't thinking or maybe I was thinking too much. I don't know, I was just in an uncomfortable situation that was spiraling downward... very quickly.

When other people arrived I talked more to them than to him, not to mention I was still sitting across from him making it difficult to talk directly to him.

Exactly what I did wrong:

I got quiet and reserved
I felt on the spot
I was short in my answers, not opening them up for conversation
I avoided eye contact
I talked to everyone else more than him.

All in all I'm sure I came across as nice but cold and stand offish. Yeah, not surprising.

He and Wendy left, I stayed with Emily as she finished her beer. They walked out the door and I hit my head on the table multiple times as I detailed to Emily why everything went wrong.

Why of all nights did I choose tonight to play the shy card?

I was going to shoot him an email, but before I had the chance to Wendy mentioned he wasn't interested. I didn't ask why, I didn't have to.

Please don't hold this one interaction against me. I promise, I am normally way more personable. I guess I just picked a bad night to have an off day.

Fireflies and Freedom

2009-02-27T00:14:00.004-05:00

So, I'm watching episodes of "Firefly." Yes, I am a nerd, just like every other nerd who realizes the brilliance of Joss Whedon. The episode I happen to be watching is this one where the ship's engine malfunctions and there is no power to the ship. The crew thus needs to flee in order to survive. Everyone, that is except the captain, who wants to go down with the ship. Horribly poetic if you ask me.

So while he is trying to reach some other ship out in space to hopefully acquire some help, the captain remembers how each of his crew comes to join the venture. Through out this we see how truly attached he is to his crew. He gets the part but gets shot in the process, demise is before him. In turn, when the crew returns and ends up saving him, we see how truly attached they are to him.

The last shot of the show says it all though. It flashes back to the captain first purchasing his ship. The used ship salesman is trying to sell him on another ship, but nothing to it. Mal sets eyes on his ship and he knows the sky's his limit. The look on his face was that of complete bliss, complete freedom. It gave me the kind of feeling I felt when I was first moving to NYC.

Hair Dare

2009-02-25T23:38:00.002-05:00

The wonderful think about New York is that you can find almost anything for free. Most recently I took advantage of a salon training night to get a free hair cut. Here is the account of my experience:

I walk into the studio... salon... classroom? I check in and they tell me to sit down. I pull out a book to read, as they mentioned it would be a little while for them to get settled. I am distracted by a woman across from me. She was heavy set, had a wide frog like face, and shoulder length combed over hair. She looked like a cross between Mary and Professor Umbridge, she had the temper of both as well. She was there for a free hair cut like I was and she was getting all up in arms when they couldn't accommodate her immediately. Its a free service, lady, get a life and stop complaining.

Anyways, I finally get called for my hair cut. Woo hoo. Unfortunately my student didn't quite comprehend what she was getting herself into. You see I straightened my hair and my hair is normally curly. Other than the fact that she was a little timid and slightly afraid of the power she herself had with the scissors in hand, she preformed well.

All in all, I would say i made out on this deal. Free hair cut in exchange for letting them practice with my wonderful hair... I let them chop so much off. The instructor loved my hair so much she asked me to come back as a color model!

I love my hair.

Answer in the Form of a Question?

2009-02-25T23:36:00.004-05:00

One last hurrah before I give up alcohol for lent. Yes, I am going for the gold and giving up alcohol in effort to attack the New York social scene as me, without the influence of alcohol. So as a last hurrah, I went out with a couple of friends from production- Amy, Wendy and Emily.

We went to this bar in the west village and spent most of the time catching up as none of us had worked together since July. Sadness. I love these girls but at the same time I like what I have been up to. We get to catching up on everything and I go on a rant about all my guy problems as of late, I mean honestly why can't I just meet a guy who is cute, nice, funny, adventurous, smart and just up for something fun.

They deliberated a moment, then Wendy says they have a guy they want me to meet. I say okay and we leave it at that for the time (I'll reference back to this later).

So anyways, as it turns out, there is trivia at this bar and I decide it would be fun for us to play. I go up to register us and use the first name I can think of, "after party babies." Don't ask, you don't want to know.

Trivia commences. We have a blast, most of our answers are a little off due to one thing or another. Oh well, its still fun. We learn that the 4 or us know way too much random information and that we should find lives outside this world of useless knowledge. Yay trivia, we should play this again.

Friday the 13th and Other Such Happenstances

2009-02-15T21:39:00.003-05:00

As I am currently between jobs and attempting to side step a possible stage five clinger, what better way to spend Valentine's Day than with my college roommates in DC (rather Alexandria). I made plans with my friends, booked my bus ticket and all was good to go. It never seems to matter what method I choose to travel, I am always a tad apprehensive as a traveler. In any event, I always seem to have interesting experiences. I would be traveling on Friday the 13th, it is guaranteed to be an eventful trip.

I woke up at 6am on Friday the 13th. I'm not entirely sure if my body is preprogrammed to maximize my Friday the 13th time or if I just so happened to wake up early, but at 7am when I couldn't fall back asleep I gave in and got up. I proved to be incredibly productive with my additional time, but I could have used the extra sleep.

Now earlier this week I sent out my resume and cover letter to various production companies in the New York area. To my surprise, I received a response from one. They want to meet with me next Thursday. They want to meet with ME next Thursday. If there is one person out there noticing me, there is bound to be more. I make the appointment and set off for my trip.

I arrive a half hour early for a 3:30 departure time, unfortunately I must have missed the memo because our bus arrived a half hour late. We were on the road by 4:15, but still, Kirsten warned me the trains stopped working properly in DC at 10pm. If traffic was bad, I could get caught in that mess.

The trip proceeds smoothly. That is until we make our first pit stop. The bus driver stands up and very rudely explains to us for a good 5 minutes that we have a 15 minute break. He talks to us, with his poor enunciation, as if we are children and unable to understand the concept of time. Believe me hun, I wouldn't spend more than 15 minutes at a rest stop on the jersey turnpike if I had to.

We are back on the road and I continue to alternate between reading and napping. Surprisingly reading wins out despite the fact that I have been up since 6am. As we get closer to DC we make a stop in Baltimore. It was an unexpected stop that the idiot driver turned into a 45 minute detour between waiting a half hour to fill two seats on the bus and stopping to ask for directions back to the interstate. Dude, I have never had this trouble with a chinatown bus... what the hell is going on here.

We land in DC around 9:20. that was a 5 and a half hour trip... that should have been 4 hours. I call Kirsten and Annie to let them know what was going on, but that I should be fine as far as the train goes. We arrange to meet up on King Street in Alexandria (I haven't been there since Poppop's funeral). I buy my ticket, find my train and get on to the platform by 9:30. I am in the clear.'

15 minutes go by and only one train has, one train that was not the one I needed. I look around the half empty platform and notice a gentleman standing near me. He looks like your typical film noir detective: white button up shirt, black pants, long trench coat, shiny shoes, and a fedora. I ask him if he knows whether or not the Yellow Line has stopped running for the night. He says he hopes not as he has to take it to get home. Apparently the Yellow line sometimes does not show up on the arrival board. We make small talk, I mention I'm from NYC and haven't been to DC in about 5 years. We find we are headed to the same stop, small world.

8 more minutes go by and still no train. He checks his phone and our route cannot be planned. Great, so we both missed the memo that told us the Yellow Line would be out of commission. He tells me he is taking a cab to Alexandria and offers to split it with me. Before I have a chance to hesitate, he says not to worry that hes a cop. Unless I have a problem with cops, then I'm out of luck. So he really is a film noir detective... stuck in a 2009 world. I concede and we introduce ourselves to each other. His name is Tyler. He thinks my name is pretty.

(Yes I might sound like a school girl with a crush... that's cause I am)

I call Kirsten and let her know whats up. Tyler and I grab a cab and are on our way. He calls his girlfriend, or wife, to let her know why hes running late.

We talk the entire trip to King's Street. Its not just small talk, once we got past the who we are and what we are doing in DC the conversation evolved into one that utilized our mutual skill in observation of others. Alas, we arrived at King's Street far too soon. We parted ways and got on with our weekends. He left me with payment for the cab and a crush on a cute, intelligent guy that I just don't seem to be able to find in New York.

When it comes down to it, I don't think Friday the 13th is about good or bad luck as so many people assume it to be. I thinks its a day of serendipitous happenstances thrown at you by the universe. An unexpected twist of fate that is neither good nor bad but rather determined so by the way in which you react and accept your fate.

Paddling Down the River

2009-02-12T17:08:00.003-05:00

As a young girl I had always dreamed of finding my Prince Charming, who sweeps me off my feet and with whom I can live happily ever after. (How many of my posts have started like this... probably quite a few) I am finding, though, as I date more and more, I am no closer to finding my prince charming than I was when I was 6 years old. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, maybe I am not cut out for a relationship, maybe all the boys in this city are duds, and maybe it's just not my time yet.

Most recently I have gone on a couple dates with a friend of a friend. Really nice guy, met him one night when we were all out. He seemed nice enough, I gave him my number and the very next day he called me. Truth be told I'm not used to this, but I rolled with it because it was unfamiliar territory. I am after all always up for an adventure.

The only problem presented is that even before our first date, he was either calling or texting every single day. I really wanted to say to him, "Look Hun, I don't even talk to my best friends every day, let alone someone I hardly know." I was polite and did not. He lived in Jersey and I in Brooklyn, there was hardly a chance I would see him every day. I continued to roll with it.

Our first date we met on neutral territory, Manhattan. Twas a little awkward, but perhaps he was just nervous. Despite the lackluster first date, I was willing to give him a second chance. The calls and texts kept on though, I might say I had plans on a particular night and he would still check in to see what I was up to. I ignored them and wanted to shake him and say, "Look, I have a life outside of you. No offense, but just because we went out on one date does not mean we are dating."

I did not. I had already gently coached him away from saying things like "baby" or "my girl," I can give this over zealous guy a second chance.

Second date I suggested Manhattan as it would be easier for him to drive to. He insisted Williamsburg. That is the point I began to freak out. Williamsburg is my territory, when I have dated before Manhattan is the neutral ground... no one wants to come out to Brooklyn... Brooklyn is reserved for more intimate relationships once I get to know a person better. It is my ground, my territory, and frankly I don't want people trying to invade my world. I mean its my kingdom so to speak, I even have a moat.... more like the east river, but still it serves as a barrier between me and the comfort zone that is the city.

What's wrong with this picture? I am looking it as an invasion, not a date. Who views dates as an invasion? Clearly only someone who is going on a date with the wrong person. I shouldn't feel threatened, or suffocated, or inhibited. I should be excited and giddy. Alas I was not.

I sat on the phone with one of my friends for a half hour ranting to her, as she has to me many times before. She said to me (stolen from Gilmore Girls), "Maura, you are a Kayak."

"What?" I asked.

"You are a Kayak, a relationship is a canoe. A canoe requires two oars and two people to navigate it. A kayak has only one navigator and one two-sided oar. You are a Kayak, you are independent."

In the words of Loralie Gilmore, "I am kayak, hear me roar."

I survived the date, but I will probably not be seeing this guy again.

Maybe one day I will transition into a nice canoe, more likely a second Kayak to travel with me. Unfortunately for this guy though, it looks like hes looking to share a canoe, and I'm not ready to turn in my Kayak yet. As for my future Prince Charming, well hes going to have his work cut out for him. He better start looking into acquiring a second noble stallion as I am not the type of Princess who will settle for sharing a steed

Trip Down Memory Lane

2009-02-06T22:20:00.006-05:00

Do you ever have those moments where you realize that as you continued to grow up, the world where you grew up stood still? I often wonder what might have transpired had I stayed in Virginia. Then again, I don't really.

I will occasionally take a gander at high school friends on facebook. Every time I read of a new couple who are now engaged, who either knew each other in high school or dated in high school. It wasn't until this that I realized just how small town Virginia Beach really is. People grow up in VB, leave to go to school, and come back to settle down. Its like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, people venture out far enough to say they saw the world and then come back.

Then, once they get back, they hang out with the same people they did in high school. I only still talk to a handful of people from then. The ones I still talk to are the ones I've known forever. Would I be stuck in that same rut or rather situation had I stayed in Virginia? I've always been the one who met people out of school and outside the normal cliques. Its no wonder Virginia never suited me, I might be a tiny person but Virginia Beach was just too small for me.

I have been trying to get out of VB since the moment I arrived there. Now granted, it was a nice place to grow up. There was far more to do than other towns. The only times I was ever really bored was during that peculiar stage where you're too grown up to be content staying at home but not grown up enough to venture out by yourself. I wanted more, I have always wanted more and I think the vastness of the ocean I grew up near taught me that there was a whole world out there for me... and I was going to see as much of it as I could.

After following up with old friends, I realize I am living one of the more interesting lives, by my standards anyways. I have ventured out there, seen the world, paved my own path and am successfully living in the city I want to working in the industry of my choice. Despite the fact that I have bouts of unemployment, I am doing what I have always said I was going to do.

What happened to the dreams of our childhood days? Few from my childhood are living out theirs, but so many more have traded their frivolous dreams for job security and a spouse in a quiet beach town. Why is mine so much more interesting? I made it so. I have taken risks, I have remained optimistic through both good and hard times, I have risked it all for a nothing chance... all because I know I'm going to make it out there. I might have to make it up as I go, but I'm going to make it because I will it so.

From Beginning to End

2009-02-03T21:32:00.002-05:00

In as far as I can tell, life is in part made up of beginnings, part in endings and part of getting from the beginning to the end. I could speak of many of these in many areas of my life, but in particular I have been thinking a lot about friends, relationships, from meeting to parting. Life is about beginnings and endings, but more so it is about the people we encounter along the way. The people who join us for a while along our own personal journeys. Upon first meeting, we never quite know what these people will mean to us, we only hope that they can help us to recognize more about ourselves and grow a little as a result.

Exhibit A:
The other night I was walking home from the subway station at 4:30am. Fear not, I was not drunk, merely extremely tired (either situation not good, so just forget I mentioned it). In any case, some guy stops me and asks what a pretty girl like me is doing walking home from the subway alone. My brothers would ask me the same thing, but they don't read this so I can say whatever I want. He tries to invite me to grab a bite to eat, I simply say I am too tired to do anything but go home and go to bed. He insists on walking me home. I don't let him, he just follows like a sad little puppy dog. Maybe hes not a sad little puppy dog but still.
He talks about a lot of random stuff while I focus on going home. Home and Bed are my only thoughts at the moment... and I am the only character featured. We get to my place and he asks for my number, and in my tired state I give it to him.
As I thought about the incident when I woke up it occurred to me how stupid it all was. Stupid of me, and very unsafe. Who is this guy? What are his motives? What kind of guy picks up a girl at 4:30am? My mind races with these questions and I realize it doesn't matter. Yes, it may have been 4:30am, but how different is it meeting a guy here than it is in a bar. Either way you're taking chances, and you have to trust your gut most of all. If he calls I might give him a chance, if not then I don't have to worry about it. We will all see. In the future, I will be a little smarter. For now I have realized that you take a chance every single day, but you can't live in fear of it all.

Exhibit B:
I met my friend Mara a little less than a year ago, just before I left for Atlantic City to shoot Ice Grill. We didn't really start hanging out until July, but once we did we were kinda attached at the hip. We had our Ma(u)ra photos, and Ma(u)ra nights, and Ma(u)ra parties. All was well and good with the world, all was well and good with us. Some how, she and I just get each other.
Recently we have begun collaborative writing projects, just in time for her to head to Texas for a while so she can sort out her finances.
She and I balance out each other's craziness and help to keep our dreams alive. Both fascinated with film and the processes, we work well. And, somehow we both have enough drive to follow through.
Its not often you find someone who gets you so well, I can count the number of those friends on one hand. I only pray this is not the end of our friendship

People come into your life and leave as quickly. Alas only time will determine what is to become of beginnings and of endings. Only time will tell us what significance these moments will have, these people will have on us. Only time will show us how these people, no matter how long they were in your life, have affected us.

"Some people come in to your lives for a reason, some for a season, and some for a life time."

Oh the Mythical Fraterday

2009-01-23T22:44:00.014-05:00

I shall document the course of the night. As the concept of Fraterday is a mere myth to those who have not experienced such a phenomenon, the world needs to experience the not so glamorous part of the film industry. So from here out, you will get a blow by blow, shot for shot, encounter of this evening.

10:48pm- mmmm food has arrived to feed our starved mind... well we are far from starved, its merely a pleasant divide between now and the time we go home. Derek tries to mooch off of us, we make him suffer

11:05pm- watching The Office while pulling sides, television has proved productive for something.

11:15pm- finished sides as much as I can be... moved on to proofreading the confidential cast list. I didn't know there was a Neward, New Jersey. Maybe they meant Newark

11:25pm- I offer James cough drops because hes coughing... he rejects my offer.

11:30pm- Costume Dept needs help loading van full of clothes to return. I help. Its not about the time it wastes as much as its about helping another dept... and getting up and moving around, that will help me stay awake as the night drones on.

12:00am- James is coughing again, and again rejects my cough drop offer.

12:20am- A sudden outburst comes from my producer's office. None of us in the office have ever heard him so animated about anything. What's so great? Clue us in please. He shuts the door, huh. I wonder what it could be.

12:40am- proofreading finished, and so am I caught up with The Office... now we wait

1:00am- I give up on trying to work and start outlining a new fairy tale

1:10am- Jason Ivey informs us that we have to distro a new one liner... can we not go one night with out distro? This decree overwhelms Bev with joy, and Abbey is laughing at out disdain for the new schedules.

1:40am- Distro complete... and we weren't even rushing

1:57am- James is coughing again, this time I take a hand full of cough drops and hand them to him. He tells me he doesn't like the taste of cough medicine. 1. I tell him to get over it and be a big boy. 2. I tell him they don't taste like cough medicine. He tries one, finally believes me. silly boys.

2:30am- I start watching scrubs... then, just then the unexpected happens... Jason Ivey gives us the call sheet! This means we can run all our paperwork for this evening, and be good to go when we wrap. E-mails prepped and everything before we even wrap.

2:40am- Bev and I are running call sheets and such... Abbey laughs hysterically as Jason Ivey makes some simple joke that blows all the other walkie talk from this evening out of the water.

2:50am- Bev's phone rings in the middle of our working on stuff, she answers it. Its James calling her from across the room asking about car services or something. Smart guy, she was standing right next to you two seconds ago.

3:00am- Nightly paperwork is done, now we just wait for wrap.

3:08am- Bev turns on Womanizer radio on Pandora. Dance party in the office... haha just kidding.

3:20am- we are so close to wrapping that mom and dad have left by now, by mom and dad I mean our two producers... they are like mom and dad in many ways... many ways.

3:24am- Abbey, Bev and I are bored as hell, no one in and out of the office, no one asking us questions, no one bothering us. Its quiet, too quiet. Something must be up.

3:30am- I was wrong, nothing is up, just the still silence of the production office while still shooting on the infamous fraterday. I'm not quite sure when it crosses over into fraterday, but if I had to guess, about the time that you realize by the time you get home you're not waking up until at least noon... if not later, well past the 12 hour marker on your day.

3:48am- We wrap, and in record time we get the wrap report, package up everything and are ready to go...

4:00am- F*ck, we are stuck here until everyone is out. We, the production office, have to lock up. F*ck, F*ck, F*ck.

4:15am- the PA's offer Bev and I beer, a peace offering in that if we have to be there we might as well join in the social happenstances. We accept.

4:20am- I try to lock everything up but people are still loading out. I walk back to the beers.

4:30am- the boys start talking nonsense. As boys often do on the Fraterday, they lose a sense of who they are and start acting primitive again. The Ginger kid suggests swapping around chairs as we talk of the bullshit of the day and how people are idiots... this goes on for about 20 minutes. The most coherent part of this discourse is talking about our weekends, whose doing what with whom and for how long.

4:45am- I can finally lock everything up.... And when I say everything I mean everything.

5:00am- Bev goes out with a group of smokers. I finish closing up the office while the PAs begin to wrap up their antics. We peace out and head home.

5:20am- am home safely and with in 15 minutes am changed and ready for bed. I hope you have enjoyed the wonderful interpretation of the not so glamorous fraterday

The Late Shift

2009-01-23T01:07:00.005-05:00

These late nights on jobs really get you thinking about, well things. Lots of things I am unfortunately unable to convey beyond the deepest depths of my mind. Its not to say I am trying to tease you, tantalizing you with a tidbit and then taking it away. I am merely trying to convey that a lot has been on my mind this past week on the Late Shift.

I think the greatest question that has been presented to me is this: How can anyone steal away someone else's dreams? In my time since I finished school, I have encountered many a person. It seemed, though, that no matter what we were all working in the vain of creating, building up others and making dreams come true. What is it worth living if you can't live your dreams, or at the very least attempting to make them come true? With out dreams, we have no goals, with no goals we have no hopes and with no hopes we have no real reason for living. Stagnation is the bane of dreamers.

Dreamers, I have encountered most of all, and like I said we are all in pursuit of our own personal dreams. To find that one out of the many, one whom I trusted dearly has attempted to steal away dreams of others in order to live some feigned existence. I feel cheated and cut, most of all I feel as if I have something to do with this. I feel as if I was a device to this crime, and IMO stealing hopes and dreams is far worse than stealing any physical piece of property.

While living in Detroit that is all that kept any of us going. Dreams are what kept me going, and for someone to steal that opportunity away from someone else is an atrocity to existence.

All in all, it is a relief to hear that one of my current coworkers drops pennies to purposely give out wishes. He started it in part to get ride of the pesky pennies in his pocket, but the more he did it and the more he thought about it he really liked the idea of giving away wishes. Its his way to bring inspiration to life. Maybe if more people would help give away wishes than stealing dreams the world will still have hope for tomorrow.

Spilled Milk

2009-01-13T22:30:00.005-05:00

When I was a kid, I hated milk. I couldn't stand the taste of it, and when my mother forced me to drink it, it had to be either chocolate or coffee flavored. I had it today, alone for the first time in years and I have to admit I liked it.

I suppose as you grow up, you're supposed to change your ideas, your mindset and find a new one for your new life. Yet, each time I find one of my previous beliefs about myself to be proven false, I am more and more dumbfounded. How much have I changed over the past few years?

On New Years my best friend came to visit me in New York City. This was the first time in two years I had seen her. It was going to be a fantastic visit, I was going to show her my New York as I had shown everyone who has come to visit, the New York I have fallen in love with, day after day after day. The trip was exceptional, but until now I had never realized just how much we had both changed.

We are no longer those high school girls consoling each other after drama with friends, boys and school. We have grown up; we are leading separate lives; we no longer see eye to eye as we used to. Everyone grows up and grows out, so why should we be any different? That's the thing, we aren't supposed to be and I never expected us to be. I just never expected it to blindside me quite in this way.

In our own way, our friendship is like that milk. Something that tasted one way years ago, just isn't as sweet. Something you were so sure about, just isn't anymore. You still appreciate it for all you can, but in a way your own beliefs have been spilled out over the place and you're left trying to make sense of it all.

Spilled milk is nothing to cry over, you just need to make sense of it all before the puddle spreads to thinly.

Distraction

2009-01-04T21:58:00.004-05:00

The days are growing warmer. The snow is melting away and the grassis beginning to show itself again. The fresh smell of spring is in the air again.

The song of birds in the trees awakens our heroine to the beauty in the world. She would like to share this beauty with everyone, but as of late she has been tied down with assignments. With her spring break less than a week away, she needs to get on top of things. She wants to be outside enjoying the day and the world, though. She could work forever but yet the world won't wait for her. There are more important things in life than work, but right now this is what she feels she needs to do.

Sometimes she misses the simple life she used to have, not having to worry about the future. When did she ever wonder where she would be in the years to come? Never. Her curiosity has always driven her to wonder. Wonder about all the what-ifs that will be that will be, could be, or never will be. Lately though she has been living in the present, the here and now. She finds that life is best serves in doing this, in not worrying... she is happy.

The world calls out to her, "Come and chase your dreams! Be free! Come and take flight, soar, fly. Join us! Leave your past behind!"

The world calls her to live and chase her dreams, to forget everyone and everything she has ever known. Freedom calls to her; no strings attached and nothing to tie her down. The world calls while she sits and works. She looks out of her dorm window and thinks, "All I want is out there some where, I could go now and chase it, follow my dream. I could have it all."

Then she wonders, "is that what I really want? Do I really want to run and chase some dream that may not belong to me anymore?" So she contemplates it all. On one hand: want not, do not live not, have not. But, on the other, maybe all that calls to her is fear, fear of not being anything. The fear calls her to runaway from it all and give up what she has worked for, ALL she has worked for. Everything.

The sun goes down and the world stops calling for today. The moon rises in the deep twilight sky. The stars surround it one by one. Ever notice how the stars seem to watch over and protect you. They give you hope. She looks to the stars for guidance.

"The stars hold all my dreams, my hopes. They hold the answers," she thinks. Staring at them she wonders again, "do my dreams really want me to go, to follow them?"

"What is it you want?" ask the stars.

"Well," she thinks, "I have always wanted to... hm... I want to be an actress, and in general successful."

"No, what do you really want?" ask the stars again. "Not your superficial wants. What do you really want in life?"

"What have I always wanted?" she though. "Well I have always wanted to fall in love and have a family, but more than anything I want to live a happy life. I guess what I should ask is will leaving make me happy?"

"Exactly!" the stars reply.

"Will leaving make me happy," she thought. As she thought, she realizes, " No, it won't, not now at least. I have far too much here to just pick up and leave. Too many people who mean so much to me. I can't just go."

The next day when the sun and world called out to her, she refused, "I can't go. Not now. It's not time."

"But you could have it all," taunts the dream, "you could have your dreams."

"I will one day. Now is not the time. My heart is what guides me, not fear, " she plainly states. With that the world left her alone for it knew she would not go until her heart called out to her.

Welcome Welcome 2009!

2009-01-01T21:17:00.005-05:00

Another year goes by and I am beginning to think my life has been put on fast forward. Funny thing that time. Alas, I have not written as much as I would have liked to but on the other hand that long list of resolutions I made last year.... Yeah, I accomplished quite a few of those. Now it is time to start a new again.

I love that New Years is about new beginnings. A time to reinvent yourself, a time to improve your life. A fresh start for a possibly better year.

2008 was quite a year, my first full year in New York City. It was my first full year really on my own. It's an amazing feeling, really being on your own that is. I think instead, of doing supurlatives for this year or posting all my resolutions, I am going to throw out my top 5 for this year. Its something I learned from my older brother Tom.

2008 Top Five Moments

Tom and Amy's wedding

My birthday that lasted a week

Seeing my baby brother graduate College

Having made it in New York for a year on my own.

Visiting the West Coast

I always find it tough trying to simplify my year (or whatever the case may be) into five key moments. It really makes you think about what is and has been important in your life and the world around you though. Hopefully one day we will look back on all these moments and be truley thankful for what they did for our lives.

Now I am going to leave you with a simple suggestion, take a moment and make a wish, a genuine New Years wish. Write it down and see if it comes true. They do come true.

Challenge for the year: Find a reason to fall in love each day.

2008-12-10T23:49:00.003-05:00

"Its time to move on," she whispers to herself. The last fleeting thought of her last love fluttered through her mind as she walked down the street. Everything that once reminded her of him seemed to, now, be barely recognizable in any sense more than a passing landmark. How can something that seemed such a sure thing be only a faint memory after such a short time? They say time heals all wounds, but she never expected it to work so quickly.

She hurried through the busy streets, searching for her destination. Frequently bright lights and interesting sights caught her eye and for moments at a time she forgot her mission. Where was she headed? Her mind, a fog of fleeting thoughts, distracted. She saw him today and barely recognized him. She saw him again... and nothing. All that time she only saw what she wanted to see, she wondered "Was there ever anything there at all?"

2008-11-23T22:26:00.004-05:00

The unequivocal magic of the movie For Love or Money never ceases to enchant me. I cant help but fall in love each time I see it. Since I first saw it, I wanted to be the person who made things happen. I wanted to make people's dreams come true as I worked to live mine. And as it would turn out, I would inevitably fall in love somewhere along the way and have to make the choice of staying on course and chase my dreams or give it all up for the potential love of my life.

I would of course choose love because I am ever searching for my fairy tale. As a result, everything would fall into place nicely and neatly because I was willing to give up something I wanted more than anything to commit myself to someone else. And that is how fairy tales are made.

I want to make things happen, I want to make dreams come true, I want to fall in love. I want to write my own fairy tale.

For Love or Money keeps me hoping that all this is possible. And it all starts with figuring out what you want and chasing it until something happens.

Masochism

2008-11-20T22:42:00.002-05:00

I can never just be friends with you. As much as I like to think I could, I realize that would never happen. I guess I hit my head harder than I thought.

I Can't Take the Distance Anymore

2008-11-19T00:08:00.005-05:00

Something suddenly clicks on and you think to yourself what have I been running from? As I state time and time again, my life is in constant motion. I am constantly and consistently moving. When I'm not on the go, I start to freak out. I think that's more that I don't want to allow myself time to stop and wonder what I'm doing. I don't want that reflection time, I don't want that reality check.

Why? Reality checks help to better understand yourself, the world around and how you relate to it. I like to feel a disconnect. For the past year or so now, since I was in Detroit, I try to keep myself at distance. I don't want to connect. I don't want to commit.

Committing, connecting means standing still for enough time to really feel attachment. This has been one of my biggest fears for a while. Letting yourself just fall is admitting you don't have control, lets the possibility of hurt in. Last time I really let myself fall, I hurt the worst I have ever hurt in my existence. Truth be told that was while I was working in Detroit. I put my heart and soul into all I did and left a little broken. I left with a goal, but a little broken none the less.

Since then I have been struggling to really let my self fall in love with my work and my relationships as I did there. I love what I do, but as I said I keep my self slightly distanced. I couldn't commit myself to a steady job because it meant eliminating possibility of other work. I couldn't admit that I wanted a guy (or a particular guy) as something more than friends because that would mean standing still long enough to admit I needed someone else in my world. I have a horrid Independence streak that I need to break.

No longer am I able to take that distance, I want to break free from this resistance I have created. I am ready again to let myself truly fall.

The Over the Fence Kind

2008-10-30T16:59:00.004-04:00

The Magic of baseball, I think, is that no matter what, its always any one's game. You never quite know what will happen; one hit, one play, one run can change everything. There is a certain quality in knowing and experiencing this. Baseball in this way renews our sense of magic in life.

Its the magic in our life. When you think about it our lives often come down to one hit, one play, one error. Nothing is determined until we play. All action is catalytic and sets life in motion. One little twist can set us off in a different direction entirely.

We don't know what our actions might mean until they have changed which way we are headed. Should we let this affect our stance or cause a slight hesitation to our swing? Why would we, the only way we can ever know is to put the ball in play and see what happens. After all, what's worse: swinging and missing or striking out looking?

I used to think it was the safe bet to just let strikes go by. The fact of the matter is if you don't take a chance, you don't swing, you will never make contact. If you don't make contact, don't take a chance to make contact, you will never get anywhere. For all you know it could be that one moment you make contact, headed for the right field wall, that out of the park, home run moment. But you won't know until you take a chance and swing.

Always go down swinging, and know that if you strike out there is always one more at bat, one more game, one more season for you to take a chance on.

Where Do We Draw the Line?

2008-10-22T11:11:00.002-04:00

When I first moved to Detroit, I was told never to give to homeless or beggars on the street. It was always better to give to organizations and causes, otherwise your good money would just be used on drugs or alcohol. If you really wanted to help someone you would give to the people who could help those in need. A little backwards when you really think about it.

Now over a year since I left Detroit and I still have this thought that lingers in the back of my head. In reality how do we know who really needs help and who is cracked out on a street corner late at night trying to stave off a high. You don't, in fact you never do. You never know that the money you give to organizations really gets to the people who need it, and you never know that the people you give money to aren't just blowing it away.

This whole cycle of helping people turns into a trust circle. I have tried to take the approach of buying people a lunch or a coffee, but even that doesn't always go well. Of course when it doesn't, that's when you know you should have just kept walking.

Its always late at night when I am stopped, and that is always when I keep walking. Its not so much that I don't want to help then, but I'd be more likely to help if asked during the day. I never hesitate to help when I can in the middle of the day. At night, though, is the worst time to question me. Its bad enough that I will walk from my friend's place to the subway at 2am so that I don't have to crash on their couch. My brother's will lecture me when they find out. I hate throwing this card out there, but for a female walking alone at night the stakes are always a little higher. There is always that question in your mind of whether someone is trying to follow you, or whether the many seemingly menacing people outside of bars are going to stop or try and accost you. I absolutely hate thinking like this, and yet I have to keep this thought in the back of my head to keep me from doing something stupid.

Often times, and always at night, I end up just walking by strangers. I can't help it. Its not that I don't want to help, because that's honestly a constant struggle for me. The question, is just when and how to help, and who really needs it? It seems like its not enough to just be kind hearted anymore when there always appears to be someone looking to take advantage of those willing to help.

Random Encounters

2008-10-20T18:52:00.003-04:00

I leave M & Em's apartment following the end of the Sox game. They had been down 0-7 i think it was, and made an impressive come back. So, of course I end up heading home quite a bit later than I anticipated and I had work the next day. Dammit.

The walk to the L was nothing short of usual. It was a nice night, the temperature was cool and it was an easy walk. I get to the subway, tired, and according to the time board, the train should be arriving now. SWEET!

No train. The board switches to 15min for the next Brooklyn bound L Train. I sit down and journal about how I love my Sox (sad but true). 15 minutes later the platform has become quite crowded and still no train. The board yet again adds 15 minutes to the arrival of the stupid L train.

Of course, the one night where I accidentally stay late, am legitimately tired, and just want to go home is the night the train is ridiculously late.

In any case, the train finally comes and we all pile on to it like sardines in a tin can. I swear the train is as crowded as the morning commute, I mean the L is a popular train as it is the only real way in or out of Williamsburgh and Greenpoint and Bushwick.

The train of course putters along the tracks all the way through the tunnel. At one point it stops or starts suddenly and the guy standing next to me bumps into me. He apologizes like any upstanding gentleman would. I say not to worry about it. All in all though it spurns a conversation about how if it weren't for this epic journey along the L line, specifically tonight, we would never have been able to see the exotic yellow tubing that runs through the tunnel through East River. Once the jungle safari part of the conversation ended we continued chatting.

He was tall (in retrospect everyone is tall to me), curly light redish blond hair, light eyes. A writer, actor, producer. I made the comment of how appropriate we meet on the L train heading back into Willamsburgh as I am in film myself and all of us shady characters tend to commune in this particular area of Brooklyn. Well maybe not all of us, but it seems to be one of the trends.

We then discussed the wild hipster in his native environment of Williamsburgh. It is not uncommon to spot the hipster on any given night communing off the Bedford or Lorimer L stops. Two most common places to see them before and after they venture into the city or other areas of Brooklyn. They blend in quite well with the rest of society, when they have to. It seems quite common that they choose jobs where they don't have to camouflage their persons though.

The hipster, as we discussed on the train, appears to be a bit of a hybrid between the Hippie and the Gangster. They are all about pushing boundaries, antiwar, often anarchy, very earthy creatures that dabble in holistic methodology and often foster a lack in agenda. At the same time in their demeanor they like to give off an apathetic and sometimes threatening or imposing demeanor. They have an attitude that says, "go ahead, try and mess with me."

All in all this interesting encounter was abruptly halted with my departure at my stop on the L. We may never know what is to become of this random encounter, but it was an interesting journey into the wild, more like a safari, of Williasburgh

This city is full of random encounters, serendipitous meetings. You don't really know how or why or when these encounters will impact your life, but most assuredly they do. One thing is for certain, you will never know until you take a chance and jump.

A Dab of Wisdom in My World of Chaos

2008-10-12T01:08:00.002-04:00

At the age of 24, I am convinced I can make no wise decision. Decisions, yes I can make those. In fact I make those everyday. They are not based on wisdom, but rather on impulse, desire passion, fear, joy, anger and pain. Emotional, instinctual decisions and the experiences resulting from these decisions will one day enable me to make wise ones.

For right now, at 24 I am incapable of making a wise decision. I am facing the fact everyday that I know nothing and yet am trying to learn everything all at once. At times I fail immensely and at times I surprise myself. It's all a learning process, sometimes you have to just jump in and see whether or not you're going to sink or swim.

When you're in your early 20's, though, you're not concerned with wisdom. You're still at that age where someone can tell you something, it goes in one ear and out the other if its not what you want to hear. You have to discover things as you go because, ultimately, you're not going to learn it tile you try it for yourself. I often find myself in situations I never thought I would ever be in, and its sometimes these moments that help me rediscover myself. I find that I am bolder than I ever knew myself to be. In my world, I have to be. I have to see what this world has to offer and what I am made of; the only way to do that is to take risks, to experience the world around you and to push limits. When things don't quite work out, okay move on and make it work next time.

Life seems to repeatedly, like production actually, be about making plans and then compensating when these plans don't work out. At 24, the decisions I make in these moments are not wise but, as I mentioned, instinctual. It seems to be a defense mechanism in a way. A natural reaction that helps you get out of the moment for the time being. Again, it isn't always the best plan, but it works temporarily and in the end teaches you something.

What it seems to come down to, is when you're as stubborned as I am, life is the best teacher the world could afford you. More people should really take advantage of this free education, especially when its so readily available.

Memento Mori

2008-10-03T14:30:00.004-04:00

If you were to die today, would you be content with the life you are living and the life you have lived?

I find myself pondering this question every so often since I found out about Stan being hit by a train. Whenever I have little existential questions, whenever I start thinking I am in the wrong place at the wrong time, whenever I start longing for a crush that went no where, I ponder this thought. What a tough question to answer with so much I want to do, so much I want to be. Ultimately though if my life ended today I would feel like I have fully lived my life.

When it comes down to it, I am living my dream. After finishing college, I moved to Detroit to change the world. Then on a whim I move to New York. I have been succeeding in all I do and though times are not always easy, they are memorable. I learn something new every day. I chase my dreams. I fight for what I believe in. I lay my heart on the line. I live for others. I live for myself. I have adventures. I strive to better myself. I can cook. I have experience. Ive been hurt. Ive been loved. I am not afraid to take risks. I let life take me away. And, though I have much left I still want to do, I have no regrets for where I am standing now.

I was in this conversation a few weeks ago with a couple of people, one of whom was not content with where he is or what hes doing. This feeling is not because he's unhappy with his life, but rather because he feels like hes not living for now but rather working to secure himself 5-10 years from now. There is so much more he'd rather be doing, and yet he feels innately obligated to work for something he can't quite grasp right now. Many 20somethings feel that way, feel the need to work for something that will be rather than live for right now.

Perhaps I am an exception to this rule. Personally, I have no idea what I want out of life even in the next year. I am constantly working, constantly living, trying to pull ahead in what I know I want now. In my world, 10 years from now could take me in a different direction entirely. Why mess around with the future when you can be content with who you are and in what direction you are headed.

Though I didn't know Stan well, he impacted my life more than he will ever know. Knowing someone whose life ended just like that, someone younger than you, really makes you understand what in this life is important. It makes you stop thinking, stop worrying and allows you to just live.

Why did the man thrown the alarm clock out the window?

2008-10-03T12:09:00.003-04:00

He wanted to see time fly.

I didn't have to throw an alarm clock out the window to see time fly though, all I had to do was move to New York. Its amazing, how when you get right down to it, there is little time for anything else beyond living. For the past 6 weeks, if not longer, I have been in a perpetual state of motion and I have simply forgotten to take time.

Time to process, time to recover, time to rejuvenate, time to relax, time to think, time to stop, time to play, time to go home again.

The thing is, when you stop taking time you start to lose yourself. In some ways you learn the most about yourself when you stop thinking and just being, and inadvertently losing yourself in what you do. Its when you get so wrapped up in life and forget yourself that throws you through a loop. That is when you need to slow down, that is when you need to take time.

Graciousness is a Virtue

2008-08-20T11:32:00.002-04:00

Sometimes its hard to keep your eyes on whats really important when you're so caught up in the world around you. In this freelance world its all business: how can I make myself more marketable, what is the best course of action for me, how can I benefit? Its hard not tho let it become some egotistical power trip. There are ups, and there are downs; but mostly you just think of how to get what you want.

At times I become so hyper focused on my goals, where I want to be, and how I want to shape my career that it makes it hard to see the bright side offers. I had two offers on the table recently for jobs, neither exactly what I wanted but in different ways what I needed. Both were in Connecticut, both had ups and downs, and neither was want I was after right now. Because it wasn't what I was looking for, I couldn't see the bright side. I accepted one, but remained apprehensive about it the entire time. It was only when one of my friends on the other project told me she was a little jealous of me, getting to work with new people in a new position, that i really realized how lucky I am.

Not only do I have opportunities with my same crew, but also with new people who take chances on me based on past work. What more could I ask for? I've always said I wanted to travel for my work, well here's my chance!

The more I thought about it the more I realized that it wasn't that I was ungrateful for the opportunities. It wasn't that I was apprehensive really about the opportunities. I was stuck in between the two because taking one of these means limiting possibilities of another kind. What can I say? When your world is built around maximizing possibilities, it feels a little claustrophobic when you have to start limiting yourself.

Am I afraid I will miss out on something? Am I afraid of missed opportunities? Everything I might miss will be waiting for me when I get back. Friends will be here when I get back. Life will be here when I get back. I have never been one to put life on hold because I was afraid of missing something... maybe I just stall a little.

Any door I am meant to pass through will still be open, or will be opened again. If its meant to be, nothing is ever truly closed. I am one who likes to play by my rules and on my schedule. In the long run, though, its out of my control, always has been and always will be out of my control. And, even though I try to feign control, its never been mine to control.

Never take any opportunity for granted and just have faith in knowing that whats meant to be will be...

Stuck Between a Rock and Well... Something Else Entirely

2008-08-19T14:18:00.002-04:00

Why do I always find myself stuck? Stuck in situations I can't quite get out of with out some help. Yet I continue to play around and try to solve it myself. It never works and I end up with a splitting head ache. Hence the rock and something else.

Add one more to the Books

2008-08-14T14:42:00.004-04:00

A year ago I said "this will be a good year..."

Good was an understatement, great would even be an understatement. This past year I have grown more than I had over the previous 5 years. I attribute that fact to having never really been on my own before. I won't lie I led a sheltered life. Detroit cracked open that hard shell I had been encapselated in and New York has helped me to grow and fulfill the me I'm supposed to be.

Power vs Responsibility

2008-08-11T00:12:00.002-04:00

So on my walk to the train tonight I over heard a conversation discussing subway conductors and other public works employees. The parties involved in the discussion made mention of how cool they thought it was for these employees to strike at the busiest times. They suggested that even for an hour during rush hour (or some equivalent) would be a reminder to everyone of who actually holds the power.

I'm all for fair work conditions, and equal rights/ respect across industries... but that got me thinking. So much of today's society is about power. Who has the most power? Who can challenge power/ authority? etc...

I have made my fair share of decisions the challenge authority and push limits, but there is a distinct difference between challenging and disrupting the flow of things. Every once in a while a disruption is necessary, when clear points NEED to be made or when people are being abused. But on a normal basis, disruptions to simply exhibit power are not necessary.

An ideal society works best when everyone is doing their job to the best of their ability. It needs to be viewed as a well oiled machine as opposed to a power structure. When every one does their part, life moves on and we are able to make the most progress. Disruptions only hinder progress.

Unfortunately in this day and age, especially in this society, it all revolves around power. This in turn raises a whole new set of issues...

A Magician Never Reveals Her Secrets

2008-07-27T20:18:00.001-04:00

And thus I haven't

To Follow UP

2008-07-09T21:57:00.002-04:00

So. I have come to the conclusion that life is a game designed to make you work, work hard, for what you want out of this existence.

Word of advice: If you want something, no matter how scared you are of it, do everything in your power to make it so.

Fight or Flight

2008-06-29T16:24:00.002-04:00

Every once in a while, I'll admit, I find myself terrified beyond belief. My voice trembles, my hands shake, butterflies fill my stomach, and part of me wants to run as fast as I can away from where I am.

Half of these moments are all I could have ever wanted. I get excited at the prospect of them; I dream about them. Yet, when it comes to up and doing anything about it I am terrified.

I'm not a coward, and I don't want it any less; I think what terrifies me the most is the prospect of my wildest dreams coming true. Part of me is thinking that its too good to be true, that there's got to be a catch. And so, I'd rather not have anything at all.

It's not like me to quit, give up, or run away. I am stubborn and as long as I am willing to let things happen, my fear eventually subsides. I mean there must be a reason this opportunity was even presented before me. Why shouldn't I have what I want? Why shouldn't it work out as I see it?

Maybe this time I will just close my eyes and let myself fall...

Living Life on the Fly

2008-06-10T18:14:00.002-04:00

Its time I learned to take that leap and see what I'm made up of. Its time I took a dive with out second guessing where I will land.

The biggest risk in life is never risking anything...

Worse Than Goodbye

2008-06-09T17:18:00.003-04:00

It seems to me that as times and people change, you lose track of the reasons for those changes. I can honestly say that a huge turning point in my life was living in Detroit. The people, the place, the environments, the experience changed me forever. Without having lived there I would not be here today.

I find it hard to keep in touch with that world, though. As much as they all meant to me, as much as I love them, as much as I have been bettered because of that experience, it was one I left and never looked back on.

Hopes Can Fly High Too... or is it "Can Fly Too High"

2008-06-06T19:26:00.002-04:00

Its a messy business, this one of love and relationships in the midst of trying to create a life for yourself. I suppose that's the way its supposed to be though, I mean you do tend you learn more about yourself when actively engaged in relationships. Friends and lovers teach you a lot about yourself and so it makes perfect sense that we would become entangled in that mess as we are doing other things. That is, after all, when life tends to happen.

I tend to be overly optimistic when I have my eyes on someone. Let's be honest here, anyone who knows me KNOWS how I get when I'm crushing. Not bad, but I definitely get that dreamy lovestruck look in my eyes, not to mention how giddy I get when I am around the person. Not overly giddy (well now anyways) but certainly a noticeable change in my persona. In the worst case scenarios I get obsessive to the point where I will talk incessantly about the person, but its been a while since I let a crush get that bad. An attitude like that sets you up to be crushed by your crush.

In all honesty, I can never tell if a guy I am interested in is interested back. Half the time I just see what happens and any chance fades away with time. The worst is when you find out months, even years later that that person fancied you at the time and neither did anything. What are you going to do? Its not like you can go back and change the past or make it happen now. Times change, people change and in the end if it didn't happen, it wasn't a lost chance, it just wasn't meant to be.

The moments you actually want to work out, will work out. The people you are finally willing to take chances on are the ones (in your world anyways) who are worth it. In the end you will have a plethora of stories that you'll look back on and wonder who thought that up. I'm not going to lie, relationships rarely get to the point of "relationship" in my world. I couldn't tell you why, they just don't. When I see potential, though, I have learned to trust my gut... but listen to my heart. Those two working together will never let you down. Its when you're head gets in the way that things start to unravel.

Think through things all you want, let your head go where it wants to. For things that matter, throw all of those thoughts aside (good and bad) and listen whole heartedly to what your heart tells you to do. As Edward Monkton quoted on one of his cards, "sometimes the heart should follow the mind. Sometimes the heart should tell the mind to stay at home and stop interfering."

Hmmm we shall see where this leads me...

Summer Camp Film Style

2008-05-06T22:51:00.010-04:00

You remember how summer camp you went away for weeks at a time, going home only sometimes on weekends? You struggled to make friends at first, but by the end of the time you were all best friends who swore to keep in touch forever? You always have that one inevitable hook up between the two people who every one says should hook up? You live in a world of isolation for long enough that with out realizing it you've formed a community, a family.

Yeah, that's kind of what filming a movie on location is like.

The filming of Ice Grill, USA was an experience like none other... or perhaps just like every other movie on location (as its my first one, I'm not really sure)

My story begins on a Thursday in New York where I get a call from the production manager (after a long line of recommendations). She doesn't hire me on the spot, but she does end up hiring me, and three days later I am on a bus to Atlantic City. It's a very interesting first day and i end up doing mostly busy work so that she can see what I am capable of, which is more than she had originally bargained for.

The small beach town we stayed in was Brigantine. It was kind of incredible the way you could drive down the main road of the island and to one side see the bay and the other the ocean. I'm not going to lie, being back by the beach was quite pleasant. I love the ocean and the salty air did wonders for my spirit.

I would say the one down fall to my story is that the house I was staying in was on the other side of the island from all the other crew houses... oh phooey... AND no transportation down there. This story will not be nearly as interesting as it could be, as I need to spare some details. Yes, I was effectively that kid who had to use kids on the other end of the island to rescue her from her cabin...

I was told once the shoot was over and done with, that some of the crew thought I didn't like the because I never hung out with them. That was most certainly not the case, I would have hung out with them every night if I could have. Just, the nature of my job was such that I had to go back to the office every night and since I didn't have a car I couldn't easily get home or to their place for that matter. By the third week in, when I finally managed to get out, they realized just the opposite... that I actually did like them. What can I say, they are all sweet hearts. I honestly just needed them to come and rescue me like the princess I was. Seriously, whats not to love.

My house wasn't so bad, I mean after all it was a house full of girls (haha...hahahaha). Every evening the first week of shoot was spent discussing the day. Every day I would have to play the devil's advocate for the majority of the crew, as the people in my house took to the classic stereotypes for crew members and the roles each person played on set. Of course it wasn't all true, I could see that... but then I am the one who often tries to fight against such stereotypes.

Once we got past those stereotypes, we of course discussed the particular charming qualities of the gorgeous gentlemen we were so privileged to work with (not kidding on that point). You can't tell me that you've never done that amongst peers; it doesn't matter whether you're girl or guy, gay or straight, pink or green everyone talks about everyone else they work with. Now some might have shorter discussions like,"I'd do her," and leave it at that. And then there are others who are long winded.

When I wasn't sticking up for the crew, I was arguing my case as to why there was nothing going on between me and the DP. Yes, he and I were friends before the shoot, but NO there had never been anything between us. I'm not really sure why, but I seriously kept getting that question from people the entire shoot... well about half the shoot. Do I honestly seem like the type that would have a running thing with one of her coworkers? (this is a rhetorical question not expected to actually be answered, I'm not sure I really want to know what you think on that issue). In the end I was finally able to convince everyone that there was nothing going on between us.

My production manager was still not convinced.

Our day to day routine was nothing like summer camp... well not a beach based summer camp. It was more like that intensive project based summer camp. Each person had their roles and we all played our parts. Had lunch at specific times, and ended our days when work was finished. Okay so maybe it was a little more like boot camp, but each new day brought new challenges that we all rose to, and in the end we made our movie.

All in all, we all work together, play together, drink together, talk together, fight together and have fun together. We form a community, and as much as you're glad to leave some people; after everything its still a little hard to say goodbye. When you think about it, we all haven't grown up much from those summer camp days. Most of the time you leave with these big plans of keeping in touch forever, but you don't. You make plans to see that summer crush again, but you don't. You leave with hopes of reunions, but they don't happen. Its not that we don't want these things, but its more that they took place in that moment, these people were part of that moment, these activities were part of that moment, and perhaps they can't exist beyond. For that moment, for that time they are part of us, but like all good things they too must end. So, we say goodbye, we close the door on our brief stay, hop on a bus and bid farewell to Atlantic City...

or perhaps we merely leave it at "soon."

Strike Outs and Curve Balls

2008-05-05T12:42:00.003-04:00

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, or so they say. No mater what it is though, hurts to the point that you wonder if it wouldn't have been better had you never known. Life throws some crazy curve balls at you sometimes, generally it seems to be nothing you cant handle. These moments always leave me wondering, "why me?"

At the end of March, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. That night I happened to meet a guy who was nice, cute, and interesting. He walked me to the train at the end of the night and texted me to make sure I made it home safely; he actually seemed like a decent human being.

He was not my type at all, I tend to prefer pub boys to club boys. I figured though, if he actually called me up, I'd give him a chance. Every once in a while you need to step outside your comfort zone and let life happen. He called. He called and we talked back and forth for about a week until we could finally set a time to meet up again.

We made plans, was supposed to be the Sunday before I started my job in Atlantic City. The night before we texted back and forth to solidify everything, and I never hear from him again. The next day, I get to the Brooklyn Art Museum where we were supposed to meet and wait.

I wait and wait and wait. No guy, in fact no text message, call or anything. I wait for an hour and a half before I decide to leave. In all honesty I put my sunglasses on as I tried to fight back tears. I felt embarrassed, insulted and jaded. All I wanted to do was break down and cry.

After ALOT of venting to friends, I got over it, moved on and started my gig in Atlantic city.

Four weeks later (May 4th) I get a call, from an investigator. The kid got hit by a train sometime between the hours of 4:30am and 6am the morning we were supposed to meet, after he left the club. Appearantly I was the last one who talked to him.

What? What! What?!

Who does something like this happen to? Who actually gets news like this? Is this even absurdly possible? I suppose it is because it did actually happen, but still... its quite a shock.

I don't even know how to begin processing this. I mean everything I thought about that incident is false. He didn't actually stand me up, and I had the nerve to say a lot of really mean things about the kid after he didn't show. No I shouldn't hold it against myself, but at the same time what good do those thoughts and comments really do?

I don't even know if I really liked the kid, and I was going to take a chance and just see what was going to happen. Then I am thrown this huge curve ball that looks like its going one place and goes some place entirely different.

An incident like this changes you, even if you're just some third party observer, makes you reassess all you thought was important and logical. That's what the world is supposed to do, I suppose, throw things in your way that will change the course of your existence entirely.

What will this mean for me? I don't know... but it will, it will

Adventures in the World of Temping

2008-03-26T16:02:00.002-04:00

As the day is beginning to wind down, the song "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind" comes on and I contemplate the events of the day. For a temp day, its been quite interesting. Its the third week in a row that Ive temped at this specific furniture company in Manhattan, they love me and I get to sit around all day and do nothing.

Certain occurrences today were out of the ordinary, so much so that I have several times wondered whether or not I am stuck in some sitcom.

I wake up this morning about 6:50am wide awake and ready to go. Now this is 15 minutes before my alarm was supposed to sound for the first time. I get ready to go, leave an hour ahead of time only to find that my train isn't running into the city. I had waited about a half hour at that point and it was only then that the MTA employees could tell us what was going on and so they were ushering us out of the subway, directing us to bus it. At that point, I was already late so I just sat and waited around for little while to see if a train would come. It did, I boarded and we ended up being only about 10 minutes late. Not bad at all.

I get to work, get settled in and get a text message from my friend (A) asking if I left the bar we were all at the night before at the same time as his friend (B). I said no, and asked why. Apparently A and B were supposed to have a meeting and B never showed (which is unlike him). So I said I would contact friend C and D who were there with us, see if they knew anything, and get back to A.

Wait...

Around 11am a little Spanish speaking man walks in. He is from a soup place and has a delivery for a Linda. There is no Linda that works here. I tell him that, and suggests he tries next door. He insists for about 10 minutes that he is in the right place. I finally convince him that he should try next door. He comes back tells me that they said this was the right address. I finally get him to go away. Crazy Spanish soup man. I know you're trying to do your job, but trust me when i say Linda is not here.

Still no word... A is starting to get worried.

Two wrong deliveries walk through the door: Lamp Shades and Flowers. I direct them both to the main building at this address, not our store.

I try to get in touch with C and D again. No word from either or B. I begin to speculate what may have happened. About 5 stories came to mind... I wonder which, if any, it is.

1pm rolls around and this guy walks in, starts asking me stuff about policies, and our products. Naturally I call a sales rep. Turns out this guy was a Consumer Protection Investigator, who apparently goes around to businesses and makes sure they are on par blah, blah, blah. He looked like a fat moron if you ask me. He kept the sales manager tangled up in policy stuff for about an hour. While hes here I notice I missed a call from A, I wonder if hes heard anything.

2pm I go to lunch and immediately call A back. Apparently he received a text message from B, mentioned something about a police station in Brooklyn. I begin to ponder.

I get back from lunch and I finally talk to D, he fills me in on some. It was an interesting night as I gather from the vague information i am able to draw out. But no specifics. Damn.

The day goes on, things slow down and I keep trying to amuse myself. Nothing quite tops the investigation from this morning. Though I still don't know the details, you cant top a story that is deemed an interesting night and ends in a Brooklyn Police station (what ever the reason may be).

2008-03-13T00:30:00.002-04:00

Just when you think you have your world figured out, life happens and throws you through a loop. When I moved to New York, I had a vague dream of working in film. My heart was there but my focus was all over the place. Now, 7 months later, I have a drive; I have a focus; I have a plan.

Further Reasons Why Hell is Freezing Over or My Life in the Twilight Zone

2008-03-11T18:47:00.002-04:00

There are only two things in life we know for certain: death and taxes. Then there are thoughts or happenstances to serve as reality checks and make you question everything you have ever represented. It is the uncertainty in life that makes everyday worth waking up for, an adventure who's end is unknown. The days go by and the uncertainty, while keeping me on my toes has begun to blend in with everyday... thoughts though seem to stick with me. I have had two such thoughts in the past few weeks, and in many ways they terrify me.

Lets start with friendlier thought:

I like dancing. Many of my friends who would read this might think I'm pulling everyone's tail in saying this. I am, of course, the self proclaimed girl who just doesn't like to dance. When you get down to it, though, I have found I really enjoy dancing. There is something about the simple action that is enticing, invigorating and even sensual.

I started off merely dancing while I cooked. As I generally cooked alone, no one would be any the wiser. It was my own little secret, that I always had to be on the look out for a roommate who might enter the kitchen and catch me (like that 5 year old kid who stayed up way past his bed time just to read or play a little longer in the darkness).

Now I find myself willing to dance more and more when I go out. At first there is a little resistance to my friends, but I let them get me out on the floor. Once you're out, the great thing about dancing is that you can say so much through your body and the looks you throw at people.

I have communicated (on separate occasions) rescue me, I'd rather be dancing with you, back off, you can look but not touch, take me home... the list could go on. Point being that dancing alone or with friends is a great way to communicate... I just now have to better learn to communicate the whole "I'm not interested," after I have already rejected advances on kissing, Number exchanging, and further dancing. You'd think the guy would get a clue.

Thought number 2 that might just blow everyone away:

Grad School

I have decided I like the idea of going to Grad School, in particular for Ethnology and Folk Lore at a school in Scotland. An interesting combination, I am sure all of you are thinking. In reality this program is quite possibly perfect for me. It combines storytelling and cultural studies into one small package, which I can later use in my ultimate goal of telling stories on the big screen.

Never before have I so adamantly thought of going back to school, and yet as soon as I saw this program the wheels in my head started turning. I have a plan, now it just needs to be executed. I have never been one to follow plans, but we will see where this one takes me today.

Of Dreams and Lost Art

2008-03-02T18:56:00.004-05:00

Still photography was one of the first art forms I remember really taking a liking to. I got my first camera when I as probably about 6 years old, it was one of those long rectangular one that you couldn't really get anything good on. I was persistent though and took pictures whenever I could. My mother, mostly to keep me from trying to steal her 35 mm automatic (that wasn't very good anyways), bought me my own little 35 mm point and shoot camera. For a time I was satisfied.

At 9 years old, I only desired to take pictures of friends and the silly games we played. Every once in a while I would manage to take something I would now consider quality, but to a 4th grader with her own camera the world was at my finger tips.

Now, it was either 5th or 6th grade (I am leaning more towards 6th because that's when my mother started leaving me at home alone), I went snooping through my parents room one day when I was bored. Where is this going, you ask yourself? In my dad's things from when he used to be out at sea all the time, I found his old 35mm Fuji SLR. I was in heaven... I had no idea what it was really, but I knew enough to realize that it was a fancy camera. Being the type of person he is, my dad left the instruction book in with his camera. I read it cover to cover when I should have been doing homework, and then pulled the camera out to put it together.

Before my mom got home, I carefully took apart the camera and put it safely away. I asked my dad about it shortly there after, and asked him to teach me how to use it. I don't recall him ever actually teaching me, beyond how to load it that is, and so I reason that I taught myself.

It was a love affair from day one, and I knew it would be a long friendship. I used it every chance I got, but actually took time to look for interesting shots or subject matter. With my old one I was often trigger happy, but this time I knew it would take time.

I used my dad's camera for the next couple of years, including for my black and white photography classes that I took. My mother wanted to make sure I was serious about my photography before she shelled out money to get me a nice one. Of course, she delayed and it was my older brother who bought it for me as a 17th birthday present. My Rebel- who I now fondly refer to as James.

James was faithful to me from day one, but 4 years after our relationship began I for whatever reason lost my inspiration and I took pictures less and less. I would plan out places I wanted to photograph, subjects, times etc; but, I could never follow through. It finally reached the point where I would carry him around for show and never actually use him. Not intentionally of course, that's just the way it goes sometimes.

With the lack of inspiration, I decided to put down my camera for a while. I needed to take a break, find my muse again... so to speak anyways. Now, after a very long two years, I think I am finally ready to reunite with James. I wouldn't quite say I'm fully inspired again, but I know full well that I am lost with out it as an outlet.

Try as You Might

2008-02-25T23:21:00.002-05:00

The final hour drew closer and closer as we wrapped out of Louie's house. As far as short films go, minus a few minor complications, it was a pleasant shoot. We finish shooting, the company moves out and all is well.

As the first 15 passenger van pulls away, I get ready to start loading my stuff into the other. When I get out there, though, I realize something almost horrific as I try to open the door to the van. The keys are sitting right there in the ignition.

F*@k!

I frantically check the AD kit and the UPMs files for the spare keys. Of course the one were missing is the one we need. So I do the next best thing. Find a couple of paint sticks left over from the Art Dept to try and pry the door open. Not good enough... so I grab a screw driver to add that extra little bit of leverage.

I'd seen it done before, so I think I am able to recreate it.

I get the door pried up no sweat with the screw driver, but as I fiddle around sliding the coat hanger through the space and its no use. I can't quite hook the lock. So, I come up with a plan B (you always have to have one of those). I look around the location for something like a dowel rod that is sturdy but thin.

Nothing... seemingly, and then we find a rod for blinds. Unfortunately it is no good, as its too short. With some quick thinking, I decide to use a stick, long enough to reach and thick/ sturdy enough to hit the lock button.

With in 10 minutes I get the lock open... and it had just gotten dark! Success! I now have a new skill to add to my resume.

Fairy Tales

2008-02-22T23:45:00.002-05:00

I have been talking back and forth with a friend of mine about fairy tales. Mostly the fact that I am writing fairy tales in my spare time. He commended me and said it was cool (Wow! someone thinks I'm cool), because he wants his life to be one.

First of all, who doesn't? I mean I feel, in my experience at least, that we all have this innate desire to have that "happily ever after." We have this want to live this big, extravagant adventure that ends in the heroine finding her Prince Charming, or the Hero finding his Princess or Fair Maiden. There seems to be something completely magical about the idea of living a fairy tale that just makes every day life seem overly difficult and mundane.

Why all this longing for something that is nothing more than flowery words and fictionalized stories. My friend, for example, talented Actor and Musician, with and independent album and a lot of promise. He wants to live a fairy? He is living one. What I said to my friend and I repeat to everyone who dares read this blog (myself included) is that real life is way more interesting than any fairy tale anyone could pen. Its all about semantics. Anyone can live a fairy tale, anyone can have their own fairy tale; all you need to do is elaborate and exaggerate the truth a little, add a mythical/ magical twist and end on any note you feel like.

I think we all need to do a bit more of living and less longing for that which you seem not to have. Although, who am I to talk? I probably do the most longing, the most dreaming and the most wallowing out of anyone here. I try to hide it well, but truthfully at any given moment I am wondering why it didn't work out with my latest interest, why my world isn't in perfect order, or thinking about everything I don't have in my life.

How can I be the optimist when there are times I am genuinely unhappy with my life, my world? Simple, I am an optimist out of necessity. When times get tough, when days become rough and when it seems like you will never get out of your hole, you have to (or at least I do) keep your chin up and hope for the best. After all, if things cant possibly turn around and get better, then whats the point of continuing.

I mean my life isn't so bad... in fact most would consider this a dream life, a right royal fairy tale. Whose to say fairy tale characters never got their hopes down? Whose to say that everything always happened perfectly in these stories. They certainly didn't, but then the focus was on the Happily Ever After, and everything prior to The End just let them straight there...

Singin in the Rain

2008-02-10T18:30:00.001-05:00

Upon wrapping our short film yesterday, the entire crew went out for a drink at a near by bar. We were all chatting, shooting shit and chillaxing after a long week of production. I must say, that despite the craziness and desire to strangle some of the people I worked with, it was a good crew and I enjoyed the company. G however is no longer speaking to me.

At around 1900 hours, I get a call from Tim, Matt, Matt and Dean, who are visiting for the weekend and they happen to be a few blocks from where I live. I immediately hop up, give everyone my regards and exchange hugs, grab my things, and head for the door. When the good looking spanish DP says, "Maura, why don't you stay longer with us?" I politely say, "I have friends in town," "but im leaving for Spain on Tuesday," "but you'll be back, I havnt seen these kids in forever." Well it seemed like forever, I love the Lovechylds.

I ran out the door, flagged a cab and went home to drop my stuff off and quickly get back out the door. I was going to run all the way there, but my lungs couldnt handle running in the cold air. What can I say, I like these guys.

They are at Alligator Lounge, free pizza with every beer. We sat, chatted and had fun. Tim made the comment that when he and I talked it wasnt about the past, which is often what old college buddies talk about when faced with a reunion. Not us though, it was more about what everyone is doing now and how life is and the works. These kids never bore me...

We leave Alligator Lounge around 11:30 and head for the subway, stopping first at a convenience store where I can find a redbull. In crossing the street, I slip and wipe out... not spilling a drop of the red bull. We try to hail a cab, but they wont take 5 ppl so we try for the subway again. It takes about an hour to get to their hotel room where they retrieve their guittars, and we leave again.

There is a subway station down the street from their hotel and we head there. Enter the subway and they play. It was like being in college again, only grown up and more adventurous. I fogot how much I loved them. I was the resident groupie. At one point Matt plays a very familiar bass line, and Tim stops him. I say, come on you gotta play that... And so they play a completely acoustic version of "I Believe In A Thing Calle Love," fantastic.

I dont remember when I last smiled as widely as I did around these guys this weekend. I felt truley at home again.

All Work and No Play Make Maura Something Something...

2008-02-10T18:11:00.002-05:00

So 2008 starts and just doesnt stop. February 10th and I am wondering where the time went. I have been working incessantly, and am happy to be working. The lack of work is starting to get to my roommate, while I actually wish I had less work to do. Truth be told, though I dont want to turn down work because, as soon as I do there will be a lull in my employment. Id rather be working than doing nothing. As I dont have a boyfriend right now, I have no reason to worry about working late... or too much. Sure my friends will miss me, but I need to stay busy.

While I often mention the perils of love, I rarely mention actually wanting boyfriend. Do I want one now? I dont know. There is someone I am interested in, but I am not sure when I will next see him. This is part of the reason I am trying to stay busy. I like this kid, but Im trying not to obsess over him or the fact that I like him. Im not really sure where I am going with this, but even so... I like this guy, he likes me and yet again I fall into a pattern of not being able to get my act together for something to happen... more updates later.

Career wise, I have been costume deigner for 3 shorts in a row. The student shorts love me because I do my job, do it well, and come in under their budget. I love them because they are fun and pay me. Its a win-win situation. I have also played UPM- unit production manager- I told the producer i tend to work with that it better be a VERY long time before he hires me as UPM again. I can handle a lot of things, but I want to learn how to do htat job well before I tackle things again.

On an upcomming short, I was asked to be 2nd AD... far cry from production, but it will be a nice break. The 1st likes the way I work, so despite the fact that am inexperienced as a 2nd, he feels like I can handle it and handle it well (and for the record, as much as this may sound like my fairy tale... the 1st is not Phillip... in fact there is no Phillip, I made up the character).

Life is slowly coming together for me... seriously

...

2008-01-25T00:49:00.002-05:00

The world is again a blur as I work simultaneously on two short films. Its crazy how much you forget the world around you when you're busy. Such is life in the big city. Such is the life in the big city.

Since January began, my work life has picked up quite a bit. As strange as it seems... to me anyways, I have been working mostly in Costumes and Wardrobe. Two months ago I was looking to get out, and now here I am running the show. Its funny how things turn out... how life works out. Costumes balance my need to run the show, and as odd as it is I think I want to get to producing through wardrobe.

At least right now, that is what I think I want. Do we ever know what we want when we see it? When we are exposed to it?

No, I don't think so. I think we get ideas and the ideas run away with us. Do we then take steps to make the ideas come to life? What happens then when the outcome is not how we pictured it?

Is it ever supposed to be?

from time to time perhaps... but in general no...

Best of 2007!

2008-01-08T13:30:00.000-05:00

As I look back on 2007, here are some of my highlights as I see them:

Best Overall Move: Deciding to pursue a film career in New York

Coolest New Move: Unpopping Collars in Bars

Most Surprisingly Movie-like Story: Me moving to NYC and Starting work

Most Surprisingly Awesome Project: Planning and Coordinating the Summer Camps

Most Memorable Movie Worked On: Red Hook.... it was my first and it will always hold a soft spot in my heart

Coolest Short Term Freelance Gig: Helping to make Turbans for Marc Jacob's Holiday Party

Coolest Temp Job: Working in GQ's Fashion Closet

Worst Temp Job: Tying bows on books for Cole Hann

Best New Beginning to a Story: This is what was suppose to happen... This is what actually happened

Coolest Night Out: Going to get RENT tickets at 12pm not getting home from that whole endeavour until 5am

Best Day Trip: Anita and I going to U of M to see 12th Night as done by a children's theatre... and stopping by trader Joe's while we were there

Sweetest Engagement: Tom and Amy getting engaged the last Saturday in August!

Most Memorable Kiss: Grant... although that kiss at Dive 75 also ranks up there (more because Tom won't ever let me live that down)

Person I Wish I Could Get Back in Touch With: Grant

Most Interesting Celebrity Met: Vinnie Jones

Sweetest Networking Contact and Friend: J.B... he's been a mentor to me since he took me on as UPM for Venice

Coolest New Friend: Lauren Loeb... though I have met many new people over the course of this year, Lauren ranks as coolest because she has many a time been my partner in crime

Best Sporting Moment: Red Sox Winning the World Series

Favorite New Player: Dustin Pedroia

Best Book Read: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Best Movie Seen in Theatres: Juno... Hands down this one was by far the best I saw in theatres and it luckily snuck in under the radar

Worst Movie Seen in Theatres: this should actually be classified as movie I saw in theatres that I like the least.... 1408

Most Watched Movie: Love Actually, for grand total of 15 times.... that I can think of

Favorite New TV Show: Private Practice

Most Watched TV Show: Firefly

Favorite New CD: Travis- Boy with no Name

Most Listened to CD: James Blunt- All the Lost Souls (there is something completely mesmerizing about it)

Hardest Goodbye: that's a toss up between Elaine, Elana and Anita... all were very special and dear in their own way... and all were very hard to let go of

Most Over Used Turn of Phrase (by me): Fair Enough

Most Over Used Hand Gesture (by me): the sign language Y with a little nod

While there are many other bests and worsts of the year, these are among the ones I chose to share... may you enjoy and laugh at these little sentiments

A New Year State of Mind

2008-01-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

New Year's is a time for new beginnings, a new start essentially for anything you want to better about yourself. I started my new year by taking a risk, I made eyes at a complete and total stranger on the bus from New York to VB, until he invited me to the empty seat next to him where we talked for the majority of the 7 hour trip. He was really cute, really nice and we had quite the interesting conversation. Honestly, how many times do you meet a stranger that you can talk to for 7 hours and not find them boring or in any way trite.

We got to VB, and parted ways. No numbers, no e-mails, no last names, just the experience of having talked to each other for the duration of the trip. Probably dumb on my part, but you know... you live and you learn.

Here are my projects for 2008:

Never drink vodka again (I know I have said something similar before... this time I'm for real)
Drink less
Get into a regular exercise routine
Eat healthier
Read at least 1 non industry book a month
Write 1 short story every two months
Meet nice guys, and go out on at least one date (I find it hard to believe that I am 23 and haven't exactly been out on a date)
Stay Positive (My whole living situation in Detroit really took a toll on my positivity... I still have a little ways to go to get back to my old self)
Figure out what I want, and go for it
Repel the guys I am not interested and attract the nice ones I am interested in
Trust myself, others and the world- everything will fall into place as it already has

So this seems like quite the list... lets see how I do. 2008 here I come!

Beginnings and Endings

2007-12-29T23:48:00.000-05:00

And thus 2007 comes to a close... What an interesting year it has been, full of changes and adventures. Thus I leave 2007 with a "when one door closes another one opens" mentality. May 2008 be filled with many more open doors.